Sunday, September 25, 2011
Sept 25, 2011
Well I did it. i went to church today and like any time I go I got something out of it
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Sept, 24,2011
I am one that loves to write a journal. It helps me think and process my life. I keep telling myself that I will start doing this when I get my own laptop cause I don't want to keep a journal on the one I am borrowing because I will have to erase everything when I have to give it back. Then I remembered that I have a blog that I haven't in a long time and that would be perfect. So here I am journaling again. Maybe I will not give up this time :)
So how have I been? Well I have been struggling a lot lately. With who I am and who I want to be and Who I am suppose to be. I mean life is so complicated and in all reality the things you think and feel make you who you are. So I am talking to Melissa again and I started to get back in that phase where I have a controlling jealousy mindset. I dont know if you relate to what i am talking about but i get at this point where i have to talk to her every night and she cant have a life cause then she is cheating on me or i just might lose her to someone else. I have no trust for her and that is no way to be. It is pure hell and i hate being that way. I haven't been going to church because as for me i cant do both. I want to be one way ( a God-loving, God-following person) but I also want to be with Melissa and when i try to put the two together it just doesn't work out. My life is driving me crazy! I am reading a book called "Sin Boldly". It is a pretty good book and it talks about Grace and so far has shown me that God's grace is really sufficient for all and any of my faults. He understands me right where I am at and loves me unconditional. Besides if I or anyone else didn't have any faults there wouldn't be any use for Grace. Grace has built a bridge or a "place of peace" for me as i struggle between these two lives. So i think i am going to be able to go to church and just be me and allow God to change me in his time instead changing myself all at once. The book as also shown me that I can have that same Grace on other people.
My mom recently got a divorce from my step-dad and moved to Tennessee and got remarried. I have a lot of resentment and anger built up inside me because of all of that. But as i think of why, i realize it is because i am trying to create moments with my mom that i never got as a child and instead of letting go I am choosing to let the child inside me stand back in the past waiting for these mommy-daughter moments to come that will never come. I have been doing that for the last 28 years. I have come to the realization that it isn't going to happen and i am not going to be able to make them happen. So i am going to love my mom for who my mom is, even if that means she isnt the mom that i want. I can take the grace that was given to me by my father and savior and pass it on to others.
Well i have wrote a lot on here and could still continue cause i have a lot of stuff flowing through my head and heart and it feels good to get it out and off my chest. But i think i am going to call it a night and head to bed because i have church in the morning and tomorrow i am defiantly going!
So how have I been? Well I have been struggling a lot lately. With who I am and who I want to be and Who I am suppose to be. I mean life is so complicated and in all reality the things you think and feel make you who you are. So I am talking to Melissa again and I started to get back in that phase where I have a controlling jealousy mindset. I dont know if you relate to what i am talking about but i get at this point where i have to talk to her every night and she cant have a life cause then she is cheating on me or i just might lose her to someone else. I have no trust for her and that is no way to be. It is pure hell and i hate being that way. I haven't been going to church because as for me i cant do both. I want to be one way ( a God-loving, God-following person) but I also want to be with Melissa and when i try to put the two together it just doesn't work out. My life is driving me crazy! I am reading a book called "Sin Boldly". It is a pretty good book and it talks about Grace and so far has shown me that God's grace is really sufficient for all and any of my faults. He understands me right where I am at and loves me unconditional. Besides if I or anyone else didn't have any faults there wouldn't be any use for Grace. Grace has built a bridge or a "place of peace" for me as i struggle between these two lives. So i think i am going to be able to go to church and just be me and allow God to change me in his time instead changing myself all at once. The book as also shown me that I can have that same Grace on other people.
My mom recently got a divorce from my step-dad and moved to Tennessee and got remarried. I have a lot of resentment and anger built up inside me because of all of that. But as i think of why, i realize it is because i am trying to create moments with my mom that i never got as a child and instead of letting go I am choosing to let the child inside me stand back in the past waiting for these mommy-daughter moments to come that will never come. I have been doing that for the last 28 years. I have come to the realization that it isn't going to happen and i am not going to be able to make them happen. So i am going to love my mom for who my mom is, even if that means she isnt the mom that i want. I can take the grace that was given to me by my father and savior and pass it on to others.
Well i have wrote a lot on here and could still continue cause i have a lot of stuff flowing through my head and heart and it feels good to get it out and off my chest. But i think i am going to call it a night and head to bed because i have church in the morning and tomorrow i am defiantly going!
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