Be yourself, Be a witness

As i was sitting at the air port today waiting for a friends flight to come in i was looking around and observing people. i have heard alot of airport stories and how people have witnessed to peolpe in and airport or on a plane so that started to flood my mind. i started to think about how could i witness to someone? seeing all different people around me i started to ask myself wonder if people would say that i was a christian just by my apperance? i decided that there are some people that i would make a great witness to but there are others that i wouldn't even be on there radar screen of being a christian. so i ended up with this question. If we are suppose to be a good witness to people and we will never be a good witness to everyone who do we target? thinking through that question more as the day has went on. I beleive that god made me to me a good witness to people and i can be myself. i am not saying that there aren't stretching times and that i shouldn't be open. i know that i should but i beleive that i should also just be me and by being me i will be witnessing to the people that God wants me to witness to.

Who i am

so i am still asking myself the question Who am i? the other day i was thinking about how i have tried so hard to "fix" myself so i can become perfect but it isn't working and it seems like there is always something to work on or something i could change. i have gotten myself so far into this that i forgot who i was and what i like to do. So as i was sitting in class yeasterday i told my friend that i am tired of trying to "fix" my problems because i am not enjoying life doing it and things pass me by and i miss out on them. So as i started to think about this i realized that i like wearing my hat and i like hanging with the people i hang with. i like talking the way i do and i enjoy sharing my heart. i love the lord and i like serving other people. i like sleeping and i love to eat. these things i like to do. i also like wearing the clothes that i wear.
Others tend to want me to wear different clothes and act a certain way. i have recently realized thanks to my dad that i only get be me and that is what i am good at doing so that is what i am going to do even if that means pissing other people off.
this week i realized quickly that some people just have this interpertation that there is the right way to act and a wrong way to act but as far as i am concerned i am just going to act like me because i am simply me and am no one else other then me

Truly happy journey

i am still thinking about what makes me truly happy. like i said in the previous post i don't think i can ulimately be truly happy until I am with God but on earth what makes me happy. Today i have be thinking about friends. i have noticed that i that a happy when i am around all my friends but the level of happiness varies with them. i was thinking about why is it that when i am with some friends i am happy and content but depending who it is the level of happiness changes.
here are some of my thoughts on why.
could it be that there are three kinds of friendships
1. those that talks and listens equally
2. those that talk but never listen
3. those that listen but never talk.

i have examples of these three friendships.

i have a friend that lets me know what she is going through and asks for advice. she spends time telling me about her day and what is going on. i do the same. we contribute equally.

i have another friend that does all the talking and i listen to her. i have gotten to the point where i don't even bother telling her anything after she is finished because i am wore out.

i have many friends where i feel like i have to do all the talking otherwise nothing would be said. i ask them how they are doing and the say ok and you and then start asking me questions.

those are the three kinds of friendships that i have noticed that i have with my friends. i don't know what my friends think about it and i would love to hear there side because maybe they see me as a #3 friend. i would like all my frienships to be equall because i like hanging out with those that talk and let me in on their life as much as i let them in on my life.

let me know what your thoughts are.

in order to truly be happy...

these words have been on my mind since saturday night. my dad told me " In order to be truly happy i have to be me because that is all i can be". when he told me this i couldn't help but ask the questions Who am I? What do i like? What makes me truly happy? the thing that gets me the most is the context that my dad said this in.
we were talking and he asked me what is my passion in life? what is the one thing i would love to do? i told him i would love to work with youth that struggle with SSA (same sex attraction). he asked me why and i told him because it is something that i have struggled with and i want to help others that deal with it. He then told me a story about himself and then those famous words were said. i didn't know what he was trying to say.
anyways that got me to thinking about who i really am and what will truly make me happy. i also started thinking about Could someone be truly happy and living a sinfull life? how would i know if i was truly happy? For example i could say that i am truly happy right now but maybe i will be happier if i stopped fighting my struggles and gave into them. i will never know if that will make me truly happy until i did that. i can only be as happy as i know how to be and i believe that i will never be truly happy til i get to heaven ( i would like to blame ashley for that rabbit trail. as i was typing i was like she is rubbing off on me :))
so back to the point though what would make me truly happy? maybe i first need to find out who i am because i think that i have allowed people to pull and push me to liking the things they like or doing the things they do and now i don't even know what i truly like or who i really am. i have been starting to ask myself if i like this or that and if the answer is no then i get rid of it. somes examples are blogs. my friend introduced them to me and she has alot. i didn't know that i liked them until she told me about them. at first i started to read all the ones she liked but i realized quickly that i am not one to read all of those so i realized i liked reading blogs but not that much so i then realized i LOVE reading Perry Nobles blog so i kept his and a few others that i like to skim through but i deleted the rest. there are some things that i don't know that i like because i did't even know the exist and once i am introduced to them ( usually by someone that likes it themselves) like Roly Poly :) then i realize that i like that.
i also need to figure out what i believe also. that is another thing that i allow people to tell me to believe so i have to think through things like that. i need to start to become myself and find out who i am then i will be able to find what makes me truly happy or at least as happy as i know how to be because all i know right now is i am happy when i am around my friends that let me be me the best i know how to be. ( thanks pal)

What a Day

So i am up at 8 am on a saturday cause i get the privelege to work all day til 6 tonight. i cannot beleive that i said i would do this because i hate getting up early. especially on a saturday! Guess what i am gong to do when i get home tonight? well even thought this is short i wanted to post because i haven't posted in a while so i thought i would write something about how i don't like getting up this early.

wow

the last couple of days have been very thoughtful. i have done alot of processing things that have been going on in my life so i thought i would share some of the things that i have been thinking about:

First of all i like having a friend that can discuss why we are friends and it not be a threatening thing. If most of my friends ask me why we were friends i would freak out because that was a sign that our friendship was done. i like being at a level with someone that i can trust them enough to not freak out and just be honest and talk about that very good question.

Secondly i went to a bible study tonight and i told ashley how sad it was that our table put down a "christian response". i couldn't believe it. it is one thing to say how you want to help the needy and witness to people if they are just words but what if that is actually your heart?

Thirdly i met this couple at the bible study who don't attend church because they don't feel welcomed. they feel like they are an outcast because they live together. that got me thinking about if some people are as far away from the box as others are in the box. i know that some people just think everything is suppose to be happy go lucky once you become a christian and they say what they are suppose to say but what about all the others that just claim to be christians and are to far out. Like one guy said at the bible study that there are two things jesus commands Love God and love others. is that all though? Does the bible even say that we aren't allowed to live together?

Fourth thing is i was thinking about my testimony and if my life circumstances really led me to God. i was telling my Ashley that i don't think they do. i have always wanted to serve God as long as i can remember but i am not sure why that is so i am in the process of really looking into my testimony and seeing what led me to god

so i think that is all as of right now.

Something worth blogging about.

I know i just posted like 5 minutes ago but this is actually worth posting about. Everymorning i get up and get online to see who in on, check my email, check my facebook, read my blogs, ( or at least the ones that i find interesting to read), then i might put a puzzle together or even blog but after it is all finished and i have no real reason why i should be on the computer, i find myself staring at my inbox trying to think of something that i forgot to check because i just know that i forgot to check it and if i check it i will have a message there waiting for me but i can't think of anyplace that would be. Just like everyday it happened again today but this time when i looked up i saw my bible sitting on my VCR so i remember the talk i had with God last night so i grabbed it and started to read it. i flipped to a page that was marked and started reading for a couple of lines then i turn the pages and came to the beattitudes (sp?) except in my bible it is called You're blessed.
As i read these they sank into my heart because i knew i was not alone anymore. i felt God speaking to me. i want to share some of them with you.

You're Blessed when you are at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule
You're Blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you
You're Blessed when you're content with just who you are-no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.

These were the first three that i read and when i read them they spoke to me because right now i feel like i am at the end of my rope with somethings. i just am at the point where i don't like caring about things. i don't like having hopes and dreams. i am at the point where i just want to live my life and be done. as i read these i thought about how it is God telling me Dottie it is time to come back to me and be who you are. i know that i am not being someone i am not or being fake because i don't like when people are fake. but there are times when i am being myself and others will think different. i need to let that go and know that its there problem if that is what they want to think then they just don't know me like they thought because i owe no explanation to anyone except God.
finally the middle one has been the one that i have been hit the hardest with because i feel like not just the one person but everyone that i hold dear i am losing. i know that i am not but it feels like it and i feel like i have fought a battle against Golaith to keep a grip on them but i need to be me and let them be them and if them and me don't stay close then we don't stay close. i gotta have faith that God will take care of them whether they are with him or in prison or out on the streets. God will teach them the way he whats to be taught.

felt like writing

Today is that start of the last half of the last semester of college. i am so excited in a very non caring way. really i don't care if i graduate anymore. if i do i will be excited but if i don't well then i don't. i have fought so hard to finish school and i am tired of fighting so i am done fighting. i am just going to go to class everyday and try to get my homework done and if i am not able to graduate because i haven't paid the last two thousand dollars then i can't graduate and that is about it.
All that to say i don't have class today but i still have to get up and go to school so i can eat lunch with a friend and meet with my mentor. i am looking forward to it. i haven't eaten with my freind in a long time or met with my mentor in a long time either. so i am looking forward to hanging out with them.
well i just felt like writing on here so i did.

sometime you just do

so i watched Sweet Home Alabama tonight with a friend. When we were watching it she asked me why i like to watch that movie because i watch it alot. Really i have no idea why i like to watch it for but something about it i like. Tonight while i was watching it i started to think about graduating and what i really want to do after college. I started thinking about how she moved away to "better" herself . Why do we always think that we need to move away to have a better life? i do. i think about how i can't wait to leave my family and all i know and move somewhere to start all over. but are we really starting over? it isn't like we get to wipe the slate clean. As i continue to think about the movie and why i like it so much and can't think of a good reason why except the fact that i just do

Bond us Together

i attend this small little church out in the country every sunday when i am at home ( i go to college). i have been going to this church for a while now. Anyways i was laying here thinking about it and the people there. i see much potential there ONCE they get over some things. i really want to tell them about it and so this post is mostly for me so i can remember what i was thinking about. here are the top 6 things that i think my church needs to hear. ( there is more but we will take small steps).

Every sunday the last thing we do is get in a circle,hold hands and sing bond us together. everytime i sing that i picture god wrapping yarn around our hands and i sing it as a true prayer asking that God will bond us together. i have seen some things in this church that are keeping us of bonding with one another. i also see things that does bond us and i want to talk about 3 things that i think keep us from bonding and 3 things that bond us.
1. Accountabilty- the bible tells us how we need to be accountable to other people when we are sinning. i would like to see my church keep one another accountable doing in a loving way.we always need to help others grow. sometimes that means telling them what they don't want to hear but need to and sometimes that is encouraging them.
2.and 3. Judging and Gossip - we need to stop judging one another and we need to stop gossiping. i have seen alot of judging of one another and alot of gossiping of one another. we all have different talents and purposes in life. We need to do what gifts God has given us to help out the church. Whether it be going to new orleans and preaching the word to lost people or it is being the church secreatary or take care of the kids during church or taking food to people, or playing the piano at church. we are all not wired the same and we are all not called to do the same thing. God gave us that talents and are they are all different but we need to know that God gets all the glory in the end. with us gossiping and judging one another in the church we are doing more harm then good. We need to put a stop to it and start loving one another. if we have a problem with some one go to them and talk to them. don't go talking to others about it. lets start building people up and telling one another how thankful we are for them using there talents to help make the place better.
4. we do an awesome job at greeting people. that is one reason why i like this church. i know every sunday that i attend that there will be someone right inside the door when i open it. that is a highlight of coming to church.
5. this church is full of very giving people. i have never seen a church give like this church does. it is amazing.
6. Pastor Bob- without him i think this church would be gone. he is the backbone of this church and he is one of the people that i will always admire. we all like him and i think that is one reason why i keep coming back.
so with these things i challenge to do something. here are just a couple of ideas.
- get an accountabilty partner that isn't a family member .
- ask someone that you don't usally talk to at church how there day is going.
-sit with different people instead of sitting with the same people all the time
-send out thank yous to people in the church telling them how wonderful of a job they are doing
if we take some small steps we can have 6 things that bonds us instead of just 3. just think how stronger the bond will be.
i want to give this sermon someday to my little country church. so pray for me because i get nervouse when i think about it.

Curt and Snow

So with yesterday not being a good day i actually enjoyed work for the most part. i really like talking to the customers. My favorite last night were these two guys that came in. they came in together so in my mind i thought there order was together. so i asked them what can i get you gentlemen tonight ( that just flowed out of my mouth.. why i said gentlemen i don't know because i never use that term. i usually would say you tonight or you guys but the gentlemen. after it came out i felt polite for once) . so one of that guys said two carmel lattes please. i got out two cup sleeve to write the order down and then i asked him his name and he replies Curt. so i write that down and then turn to the next guy and ask him his name and Curt replies Joanna. i was taken a back and was thinking who in the world would name there son Joanna so i look back at Curt and he explains that Joanna his is wife and he was ordering for him and his wife. they two guys just knew each other. that settle that and i felt alot better or so i thought.
i finish with Curt's order and the his friend steps up and i ask him what he would like he tells me he would like a coke and a spiced chai. so i write that down on the cup sleeve and the proceed to ask him is name glad to know it wasn't Joanna and he says Snow and ask him again because i thought he was making fun of the previous incident and he spells it S-N-O-W. so i wrote that down thinking well it probably a nickname that his buddy gave him or something. He paid with his debt card and it is definitly Snow. i guess that is better then naming your son Joanna and i will admit it is original. He was pretty cool he watched me make Curt's two drinks and his chai and asked me questions on how i make them so i liked that. i just wish i would have asked him why his parents named him snow but i didn't so i will try to do that the next time i see him.

mardi gras

i have been thinking about christians and how we tend to witness to others. this past sunday at church a couple talked about their time in new orleans. they went down to mardi gras to "witness" to everyone down there. i put that in quotes because personally i don't think the witness in a christlike way. they talked about how the held signs that said accept jesus or go to hell. they also told a story about how their group of christians were in two lines and a group of homosexuals decide to prade between them. knowing the two that attend my church i knew it wasn't a nice polite time down there. as i was thinking about this why would someone think that if you take a bunch of people that are lost what would make someone think that you will get them to change by yelling at them. now i am by no means a bible scholar but if we look at jesus and the way we lead is life he didn't go yelling at the lost. he hung out with them got to know them on a personal level and let his life be the example for them to change. i am sure that the people in new orleans were hurting and the last thing they want or need is people yelling at them telling them that they are wrong. now i will admit that it is true if we don't have jesus we will go to hell but yelling at them is not the way to go about telling them about God and Jesus. we are suppose to be examples of Christ so when they saw people that claim to follow christ yelling at them they most likely get a bad taste in their mouth. anyway i could keep going on with this because it really upset me sunday and i almost walked out of church. we need to be loving and act as christ would. would jesus yell at people to get him to come to him.

the drive home

so i went to hang out with a friend tonight and i had a good time. on my way home i had alot going on in my head that i don't remember have of the actuall drive. i first started out thinking about how i really like going to encounter and i wish i could go every week. that led to some thoughts about how i have this anger issue and how i throw a tantrem because i can't have it my way. my anger started because i really like going to encounter and i can't go regularly because i don't have a vehicle. the anger in me started getting worse on the way home. So i started trying to figure out why. i realized that i didn't want to come back home. i really hanging out with ashley and i was getting mad and upset because i can't hang out with her whenever i want like i use to. so that was the first thing that spured my anger. then i was listiening to the radio and a song came on called Alyssa lies. it was about this girl who was being abused and she would lie to her teacher and class so that they wouldn't find out she was being abuse. she ends up dying because no one helped her. that made me more angry because i just don't understand it when children get hurt like that and when i hear of stories of innocent children getting violated i get the extreme since of anger in me that i just what to burst. after i thought about that i starting thinking about how i have to go to warsaw tommorrow and i don't want to do that either. i don't know why but i really do not want to be there or here. i want to go i want to just go. so all of my anger stems because i am not in control. i just want to grab my friends and leave. anyway this is about the drive home not about my anger. so i was thinking about all of this stuff and it was so intensed that the next thing i know i am almost home.
so now i am home and i don't want to be here but for some reason i am here and i will stay here and i will go home to warsaw tommorrow and i will go to work and just be upset with it all. then Saturday i will get to go hang out with my friends again and i will be around people that get me and i enjoy being around.

my first post on blogger

so i just switched from xanga to blogger. i have been with xanga and decided to switch to here. why? because i had to two xanga sites one for everyone to see and one for writing about my struggles and things that i was ashamed of and i didn't want anyone to see that part of me. so now i decided to come here and put them all together write about me and things that i choose to write about. i am going to be simply me ( hence my name) and write about whatever comes to my mind to right about whether it be frustrations i have or hopes i have or just something i find interesting to post on. i was tired of using my public xanga site so i just used my private one but everytime that i went there i was remembered of why i started that one so i decided to start fresh and new and created this site ( actually i had a friend do it because i tried and it frustrated me thanks ash.) so here i am new to the blogger world. i hope that i like it better then blogger even though i met some great people on xanga. this is my first post and i couldn't wait to post on it even though my template isn't completly the way i want it but ash said i could post so i did. k well i don't have much more to say right now so i am going to go and do something productive with my life.