Would you still be my Friend?

Lately Ashley has been asking me if i would still be her friend if she then she would fill in the blank with some outrageous thing. Some of her examples were things like ...if i went to the bathroom on your face, if i cut off your arm, if i pierced your abdomen with a knife, if i killed your family and other random things like that. My answer to all of them were pretty much yes you would be. given i would have alot to get over and she might not be my closest friend but she would still be my friend. One time i even asked her if she would be a friend if she did any of that.
All that to say i have been doing alot of thinking about friendships and how in a sense my loyalty to me friendships is like Christ's loyalty to us.
Once we accept christ he is in us and with us FOREVER and will NEVER leave us. this is something that we has humans just cannot fathom. We just don't get the fact that there is nothing we can do that will change Christ's decision on weather or not he would leave us. He said we are his and we will always remain his no matter what we do.
I have noticed how i treat my friendships the same way. There is only one thing that one of my friends can do that will not be there friend and that is simply ask me not to be their friend. that doesn't mean that i won't forever care about them but if that is what they truly want then that is what i will give them.
So in my own little way i know what Christ means when we are his forever and always.

Love bugs and more

I don't know how many people know yet but I moved to florida last week and I am enjoying it except for being jobless and these bugs called love bugs. They are annoying and are out by the thousands. One amazing thing about them is that they can have sex and fly at the same time. that is impressive. Other then that they are annoying because they won't leave you alone. The other day some flew into Ashley's hair. I guess they were on there honey moon and decided to spend their first night together in her hair. Ashley however wasn't to happy. She didn't appreciate them doing the you know in her hair so she took care of that and just killed them and took care of that problem.

Note: i just want to have it written down that ashley's wound that she gave herself is infected really bad and her mom just put gauze on it. she blamed the wound on me but she was the silly one that jumped in the pool with all her clothes on and got me soaking wet. :) i just wanted to blog about it before she did. she is now starring at me trying to get me to laugh and she suceeded.

k all that said i am finishied

what the future may bring

when i was in high school my friends and i would talk about what we were going to do after we got out of high school and moved on with our lifes. i had a friend in high school named jenny and we were best friends. i really truly cared for her and loved her. anyways she grew up in a family where she had to do all the house work and pretty much be the mom of the family. i always thought that she would make a good mother and a good wife. i told her that the man that marries her will be one lucky person. back then we talked about the furture or today as i am writing this and what i thought that future would bring is not what the furture brought. instead of being a good mom and a wonderful wife she is writing bad checks and sleeping with another guy. the way life turns out for people is just amazing.
i think back on life for me and i never thought i would actually live in another state but i am and even though trials may come and there will be rough spots in life i know that i am right where i am suppose to be. so now what ever the furture may bring i am going to just ride with it and know that all i can do is my best.

restlessness

i was hanging out with a friend last night and i asked her a question with led into a night of restlessness. i asked her Why is it that people can choose a family member or other people and they can choose a boyfriend over other people but choosing a friend over other people is forbidden? i have been wrestling with this question for a long time because it makes no sense to me why there are only certain people that are allowed to be a prioty in ones life. it just makes not sense to me and i was up all night thinking about it and if i agreed with her answer.

Mother's Day

As mother's day approaches i am finding myself full of hurt and frustration towards my mom. i work at a bookstore and i see gifts for mothers and i read the mother's day cards and after i read them i think how my mom was never like that. i am not sure what is going on inside me but i honestly say that my mom was there for me when i needed her most. i don't have that bond with that i am suppose to have. This is just so weird to me because i can't wait for father's day to get here because i have so many ideas on what gifts i can get my dad. i feel like they kind of have switched places in my life. the only think bothering me with my mom is my loyalty factor. i don't know what it is but i can really care less if i get her anything for mother's day. at the same time i am sad because i feel this way and i want so bad to keep on denying how i feel but i can't. Everytime i pick up the phone to call her and she gets on it and i hear her tone it upsets me. right now i am just being pulled two directions. part of me wants to say screw her and just let go on her and part of me knows i would feel bad for doing that and wants to defend her. so i think this mother's day i am just going to try to make it through by facing the truth and be honest with her. i just wish that she would try and get help so that she could truly love us and not have it be just another task that she has to complete for the day.

Amazing people.

i woke up upset the other day and i couldn't fall back to sleep. i just had alot of thinks on my mind that i was thinking about. i spent time talking to God and telling him about my frustration and how i don't want to live at home. Anyways i knew i was going to be hanging out with Ashley later on that day and i was looking forward to it. Well i was full of anger and frustration until i saw ashley's car pull up where we were meeting at. i don't know why and i have said this before but i am totally at peace when i am around her. it is like i can relax and not worry about things. after encounter i didn't want to go home yet( i never want to) so i asked her if we can hang out a little longer and she said yes so we grabbed a treat from dairy queen and went to a church and chilled there. after we were done she dropped me off and like always it takes all the power i have to force myself out of her car and into my own. this time though she told me not to worry that we will see each other soon and for some reason it those words hit me hard and i felt tears building up so i just went to my car and left. on the way home i was thinking how is it that i do everything even pray for these anger, frustration, scared feelings to go away and i eventually just have to let them sit inside because they won't go away until the minute i see ashley's car they disappear. i just don't understand it. It is just so amazing to me how it works like that but its cool. Anyways, i am glad that she is my friend.
After i got home i went down i talked to my brother's girlfriend to see how he is doing ( my brother is in jail) what started out as she a question ended up into a hour and a half conversation about my brother. i learned that him and i have alot in common we just choose to deal with things differently. I think this my teach him and he will learn his lesson. i also am glad that i decided to change my perspective of him and see that there is good in him and that he just needs the good influence there to support him. i am glad that he is my brother.

Analyze that

yesterday i was hanging out with my friend jess and we decided to watch The Truman Show. we have both seen it before so as we were watching that and she was packing she was explaining some stuff to me about the show that i never caught before. it was interesting to see all the hidden meaning behind that movie. she was telling me how her and a bunch of people analyzed the movie when it came out.
then last night i get home and catey and drew were watching Everbody Loves Raymond. they paused it to chat with me for a little bit and we started to analyze that show. i guess i don't really look for a deepere meaning behind most movies. i just watch them. speaking of watching tv i think that is what i want to do is just sit back and relax and watch television. i haven't done that is like forever. i tried reading but it made my headache worse. i think i just need to give my eyes a break.

letting it all escape

i don't know what to write so i am just writing.
life is just so weird at times. i feel like my mood is sometimes like indiana weather. i can be happy and content and then the next thing i know there is this sharp pain inside me and i noticed that i am frustrated which is making me angry.
i went and hung out with ashley yesterday and i had fun. i really enjoy handing out with her. anyway on my way home my mind started to run. i tried to slow it down by shutting off the radio which helped tremendously. then my cousin called to tell me he gets to go to my graduation. anyways i came home and sat on the counch to collect myself and then i felt a little frustrated and i didn't know why. i am in this phase where i am trying to be completely honest with myself. so i was trying to think of why i was frustrated and kept telling myself i am going to be honest and not deny it. i don't know if this is it or not but i think i am frustrated because i really don't want to move home and i really want my own apartment and i feel like people are screwing with my plans on how to get that apartment and it is ticking me off. my church took up a graduation collection for me and i was planning on using that money towards the apartment. but the secretary wrote the check out to GRACE COLLEGE and that frustrates me. i don't understand why she did that. i think that this is exactly what is bothering me because i am starting to feel better as i am writing. i just want an apartment or i don't want to move home. why don't i want to move home? because i will be trapped and i don't want to be trapped. i want to BE ON MY OWN! and learn to struggle through life on my own and not having my parents there to support me. and i also don't want to carry their burdens that i will if i move back home.
it is getting down to the wire as to where i am going to live and i hope that if i live at home for a little bit then i will be able to leave.