Acceptance

Something that my dad has and is still trying to teach me is acceptance. There is somethings that are just hard to accept but all i can do is accept or change my situation. I can't change them. One thing i have a hard time with is when someone writes to me anomously. I don't like it cause i want to know who it is. I want to know who cares about me and who is thinking about me. The more I sit back and think about why i don't like it i realize very quickly that I don't feel enough without other people telling i am enough and that is something i have to work on. I am enough cause My God tells me i am enough and i don't need others telling it in order to believe it. So today i am going to put acceptance in pratice and accept the anomous comment i reacieved knowing that I have to be enough without the reward or i will never be enough with it. Thanks for the comment and the encouragement.

ask and you will recieve....

most likely not when you what it or how you want it but you will get it.

I remember when i would talk to a old friend and tell her how cool it would be if we had someone who would meet all of our basic needs so we could just minister to people for our life.

Well yesterday i was talking to my dad and he asked me if i wanted to move in with him. I thought about it for a couple seconds and said sure.

talked to my dad for a little bit about all the details and then went outside to play with all the kids on the block.

we were playing football. my mom came to pick me up and i thought about how i can really impact these kid's life with not only my words but my actions. they want to be loved and someone to play with them and they love it when adults play with them

so i get in my moms car and was thinking about all of this and got to thinking how my dad is going to pay me for watching my brother but it isn't really watching cause i love hanging out with him and i get to play with his friends.

maybe this is it. i get my basic needs met and i get to do Gods work. how cool

Pain

Sometime life sucks and no one seems to understand

This pain inside me hurts so bad and seems to linger on

I want it to go away but then again i dont

causes it the only thing i seem to have left of her

If i let it go then i let everything go and

I am just not ready

to completley let go of her

i dont want to say goodbye

completely goodbye.

Sitting here wanting my phone to ring

wanting to here your voice on the other end

miss you so much

Honestly Am I lying to mylself

When I look deep inside myself I wonder if I am lying to myself? I try to be strong and I try to do the right thing. I tell myself I am not in love with her along with everyone else. But I wonder if i really still do love her like that. I know there is something about us that we shed. Maybe its that i can see clearer now that i am out of the mess. I want to love God and keep God in my life and I pray that I never take him off of where He belongs but I miss her. I really do miss her. Its not about the sex or anything like that cause that dont even matter but i miss her holding me or me holding her. I miss her and her children. I miss her touch. I just miss her. Yeah she has downfalls but everyone tells her about those, what about her good in her. She really knows how to make people laugh, and she is a very great listener. People tell me to forget her and dig into God but I believe you get forget it but all you do is pushing it down inside you and covering it with God like he is a bandaid. I need to be honest and say I MISS HER. I know God can accept that about me. He is ok with me saying that cause that is how i feel and since HE knows that is how i TRULY feel its ok to be honest. so yes i am lying to myself i miss her and still do love her, Cause i know if i saw her right now i would leap for her arms and wouldn't want her to let me go.

it will be ok

Today, I am doing ok but not that great. I am neither up or down at the moment but just here. I have been thinking about alot of stuff and figured i would write it on here to get it out of my mind.

For some reason I am missing the touch of Melissa's hand on my face. When I was a sleep at times she would put her hand on my cheek. I never opened my eyes but i knew that she cared about me. Just so everyone knows i am not missing the romantic relationship i had with her, So when i speak like this Its not that I am still in love with her cause i am not. I miss her, i miss her friendship. I miss talking to her and having someone there to actually listen and actually get me and what i am say. She had a way of making a gray sky blue. When my world seem to be falling all around me she would tell me it would be ok and it was. See Melissa to me was more the a girlfriend it was more than that. She was a friend. Yeah there was bad moments there really was. I mean she is an addict and very ill so she would do whatever she can do to be ok but when she was ok she was the best person i ever knew. Her kids came first to her. Right now i just wish i could lay my head on her shoulder and just cry cause i miss her so fucking much.
I miss my friend, I miss the person that made me see i can be whatever I want to be, I miss her so much. I wish she would get clean and stay clean but being an addicted is such a hard thing to battle. I don't know from experience but living with her and seeing her sick everyday. I seen the pain in her eyes and to not be able to do anything to help her hurt me so bad. I just wanted her to be ok. I had to leave cause i couldnt handle seeing her hurt herself anymore. You know i just wish i could stop in and say hi or just give her a hug. But most of all i wish i could just feel her hand on my cheek letting me know that i will be ok.

Dear Lord, I just pray right now and thank you for giving the time with Melissa that you gave me. I know we lived in sin and I was wrong for that. I know that you have forgiven me. Lord you know my heart and you know that i miss her, and i worry for her. Lord I pray that you continue being with her and help her to see that lies that she has been told and led to believe. Lord help me continue to be strong and continue on with my life one day at a time.

if i loved HIM that much

Yesterday i got thinking about blogs and wonder if anyone even reads them or let alone writes on them anymore. I was going to write yesterday cause i had things to write out but then when i thought about that i was like whats the point if no one reads what i write. As the day progressed i went to my reader and deleting some blogs that i have no interest in. When i took a look back at the old stuff I realized things about me that back then that i was blind to. I wanted to be like a old friend. I wanted to read the stuff she read, so i started doing it. i wasn't interested in it and it didn't entertain me but that is what she did so I did it.

As i was looking through all my subscriptions i found one that a friend and I did together and i looked back at it and remembered the good times we had. I watched some videos that she had put on there and I even tried talking like this friend that i wanted to be like. I wanted to be just like her so I got into what she was into.

Later on in the day i was thinking about how much I loved Melissa. I would do anything for her. I was devoted to her and would do whatever she asked. If she needed cigerettes or wanted something to eat at 3 in the morning then I would wake up and walk to go get it. I even went as far as dropping my morals for her.

I wanted to be like a friend that i started doing what she did and i loved someone so much that i gave them my heart and my life.

Wonder if I wanted to be like Jesus that I stareted doing what he did and if I loved him so much that i gave him my heart and my life. Wonder if i devoted as much devotion as i devoted to these two people how far would i get? How happy and joyful would i be? If i loved God so much that i would get up at 3 in the morining to spend time with him, If i spent so much time with him that i started talking like him or acting like him. I bet i would have got it right this time.

All i can do is pray

I am working on leaving the past in the past and it is hard for me to do. Its got a grip on me and it a huge grip. I know with time I will be ok but while i am in the midst of this I chose to sit and read my bible. At the moment I am reading in psalms. I am on the first psalms and it says that the way of the wicked will perish. As I read that I thought about Melissa and how she can be going in the way of the wicked. She is so entangled in money. She wants money all the time. That is why it makes it somewhat easy for me to want to let go. But to know that someone that can be so much chooses to be less that bothers me. I am sure that it bothered some when I was doing the same thing. I have to learn that God wins and I just have to trust in him. I just hurt for her when I read that cause I know she can be so much. I just pray that God shows her and she listens before its too late. I pray that one day her and I can be true friends and this time we are working together for God's kingdom. Until then all i can do is pray and trust God.

I just want to forget about her and then

I don't. I want to be with her. i want her to love me. I want it to be real I just want us to be together. I really love her and I want her to love me back. I wish it could be but since it can't. I just don't want to think about her and i just can't get her out of my head.

She calls me and asks me for money. I wish she would actually care about me for me and not she want from me. What am i wanting from her. What am i craving from her. Why can't i just say forget her. Why do i feel bad if i don't send her money.

I want to be her friend but i just can't. she pisses me off and upsets me. She still runs me and I hate it. I want to let her completely go but i just can't. I feel like she has taken over my heart and my soul and i just can't let her go. I want to write her and let her know how she has hurt me and what she has done to me. I want her to know how I feel but then i wonder if she will even read it and if she knows whats it really going to do. its not like we can ever be together.

I just can't wait til the day where i don't hurt anymore. o what a glorious day that will be.

Just some thoughts

When I think about Melissa I think about someone that has been hurt badly and had

LOVE

Love is something that i crave. I want to be loved and i want to love. I wonder if love can be a downfall or if you can love to much. I have been thinking about love and wonder if what i am really craving is even really love at all. I crave attention and love it when someone is paying attention to me. I love it when i am being praised and accepted but don't we all like it. If i am giving someone attention and praising them am I loving them.

Here is the deal I miss Melissa cause she showed me attention and praised me and spent time with me. I like that and i miss it. I miss talking to her and when she calls me or i call her i dont want to hang up the phone cause i crave all of that. I just want someone to listen to me and she did that. But then I think about how i write her letters and all she wants from me is money. She is always asking about if i will send her money. I don't like that but its like i am paying for her to be my friend. I don't like to think about it like that but when i do it makes me not even want to speak to her. I want someone who really cares about me and wants to listen to me. But i don't or can't let her go to the point of stop talking to her completely.

I don't know maybe i just want her to know that she can do better then what she is doing and that money isn't everything . I am not quite sure why i am still talking to her and at times craving her company but I am and I do know that I desperatly want her to know that she is loved but i think i need to realize that i am loved also and i can force her to realize it.

ALL i can do is pray for her

Three step forward one step back

Three steps forward one step back. Thats how I see my life. I think everything is good and going well and then BAM!!! it hits me like a brick and instantly i start missing her and her children. I start missing the talks we had and the fun we had. I miss the good times. It makes me want to go back to Florida. My family doesn't help much when i feel like I am just in the way and they would be happier if i wasn't here. I know my nieces and nephews love having me around but sometimes i just want to give up and leave again.
Thats the one step back but the three steps forward is when i am focused on God. When i focus on him i feel unstopable and no one can stop me. I still miss them but I can handle it better. I just want to feel loved and i know that she loves me or what i choose to believe anyways. Not in a romantic way but in a pure way. Anyhow when i look at her or think about her I learned through my sin and God loves me and he shows me everyday maybe that is why i can handle being at home. When God was telling me to go home I fought with him for a long time and still wonder why he brought me back to this place cause i don't like being here and don't want to e here. I do however want to be obedient to God cause one thing i do know is he is the only one i can trust and He is the onle one that i know will never fail me.
i know i have a long way to go and I know i will have the one step back but I also know with the lord i will continue to get stronger. I have come to accept the truth. The truth about who I am and the truth about God. I love Melissa I truly so. Some days i still long for that intimacy with her but I also know that it is just a twisted way of getting what God has in store for me. I know one day that will go away and the pure friendship love with still be there.