The Raggamuffin I am

Jesus loves me, Yes Jesus loves me for the bible tells me so......

Remember that song we all used to sing in Sunday school?  It seems to be resonating with me more nowadays in my adult life.

We go through the ups and downs in life trying to find that one person who loves us just as we are. We don't find it so we become something we are not to feel that love and acceptance from others. We crave to be loved just like everyone else. But we have those things about us that some people cant accept therefore they cant truly love us the way we want them too.

If your anything like me, you know exactly what I am talking about. Being gay and trying to go to church is like putting a camel through the eye of a needle. I don't how many times I have went back and forth denying either my gayness or my Jesus just to be accepted in one of the two groups. cause how dare I take my gayness into the church or take my Jesus into the gay community. Deep down I just want to be loved for the ragamuffin I am.

So they say the Jesus guys loves me cause the Bible tells us so. Well the sad part of that is the bible is connected to the church . So how is this all suppose to work?

Well let me tell you....

whether or not you go to church it doesn't matter.... its when we all accept our baggage and our dirt. pick it all up. All the lies you've told, all the horrible things you've done. The things you hate about your self... you big nose or your crooked ears. your flabby stomach  or  your puny arms. Grab it all up and sit it down right at Jesus feet. Forget what you experienced in church cause at this point its not about church its about you and Jesus.  Take it to him and let him love you. Accept it. whatever he tells you, Believe it!

Jesus loves us,  o yes Jesus loves us, not because I say so or the church says so . He loves us cause his word says so. Whether Gays or addicts, whether big or tall we all belong.  For we are weak and He is strong. Strong enough to carry all our flaws and failings.

O Jesus loves us o yes he loves us. He so dearly loves us. As he always had. Holding out his hands saying " o my child come to me, Come to me just as you are. Bring me all your broken pieces, Bring me all your anger and hate. Its ok come to me and let me love you for the ragamuffin you are.

Friends when you experience his love, When you really take that time to just let him love all over. Into all the cracks, all the if I only did this or I regret that's, all the fuck ups that we just cant seem to get over. when we truly let him love us its a freedom of true peace... I am in the midst of it right now.

Its a journey but at the end of the journey I know I will come out refreshed!

If you never loved me...

If you never loved me why did you acted like it . If you never loved me why did you show me you did. Why did you touch my face and send me all those texts? Why did you lead me down a road of a belief that was a lie. If you never loved me why did you mess with my heart like you did. Now as I have to deal with this pain of hurt you go on like nothing happened.  You moved on and don't give it a second thought of the pain and anger you've stirred up inside me. You don't think twice about the lie you made me believe that cuts deep inside my soul. As you lie their next to him... As you squeeze him tightly and tell him how you love his face and miss his face. How you run your hand through his hair and down the side of his face, your blind to the fact that  you fucked with my head and got deep into my soul.  And you than you wonder why I spaz out. You wonder why I act the way I do. Maybe because you never loved me and yet acted as you did and it flipped a switch inside me that I can't seem to flip back.  Maybe because you didn't listen to me when I told you to be open and honest.   You truly are  not like anyone I have ever met. You hurt me deeper than anyone I have ever known and you will never realize the damage you truly have done.  HOWEVER, I will not let you strip me of the person I am ! I will just be more cautious! I will not let you take everything away from me, I will live on! I will move on! I will not let you control me or my feelings any longer. I will love again! and I will dream again! and I WILL BELIEVE AGAIN!!! BECAUSE ENDLESS POSIBILITIES ARE POSSIBLY ENDLESS!!!! I WILL SING AND I WILL DANCE! I WILL NOT LET YOU WIN!!!

I hate you!!!!

I hate you! I hate that you filled my heart with love that was not true. I hate that you lied to me. I hate that you allowed me to pour out my heart and soul than used it against me. I hate that you really don't care. I hate that I love you.  I hate that you can really give two fucks about me. I have nothing but hatred for you.  I hate that your no longer mine. I hate that I actually fell for you. I hate You!!!!. But more than anything I hate that I can't let you go.!!!! Ughhh Ughhh

There comes a time in everyone's life,  more than once, where you take a step back.

Promises

Don't you love it when your promised something and it goes unanswered. It hurts and usually leaves a void in you. I have been promised things many times and just because they say they promise I tend to believe them. I have many voids in me because of this reason. People not holding up to the end of the deal.

      Friends that are great friends on paper and with words but when their force to put those words to action the just simply are not friends. They are simply people trying to say what they have to say in order to get what they want, even if that means they have to make a promise they don't intend to fulfill.

When I think about this and my situation in life, it hurts deep. The pain almost paralyses me but that is when The GREAT GOD ALMIGHTY speaks! and we get to see all the promises that he makes are kept and fulfilled. Even when we lack on our end. He still comes through. In the midst of our tears and heartache God shines through.  His promises we can stand on, his promises are real and true. and I truly and blessed to have been told about him.

Thank you to all the people that told me about this AMAZING GOD ALMIGHTY