The Raggamuffin I am

Jesus loves me, Yes Jesus loves me for the bible tells me so......

Remember that song we all used to sing in Sunday school?  It seems to be resonating with me more nowadays in my adult life.

We go through the ups and downs in life trying to find that one person who loves us just as we are. We don't find it so we become something we are not to feel that love and acceptance from others. We crave to be loved just like everyone else. But we have those things about us that some people cant accept therefore they cant truly love us the way we want them too.

If your anything like me, you know exactly what I am talking about. Being gay and trying to go to church is like putting a camel through the eye of a needle. I don't how many times I have went back and forth denying either my gayness or my Jesus just to be accepted in one of the two groups. cause how dare I take my gayness into the church or take my Jesus into the gay community. Deep down I just want to be loved for the ragamuffin I am.

So they say the Jesus guys loves me cause the Bible tells us so. Well the sad part of that is the bible is connected to the church . So how is this all suppose to work?

Well let me tell you....

whether or not you go to church it doesn't matter.... its when we all accept our baggage and our dirt. pick it all up. All the lies you've told, all the horrible things you've done. The things you hate about your self... you big nose or your crooked ears. your flabby stomach  or  your puny arms. Grab it all up and sit it down right at Jesus feet. Forget what you experienced in church cause at this point its not about church its about you and Jesus.  Take it to him and let him love you. Accept it. whatever he tells you, Believe it!

Jesus loves us,  o yes Jesus loves us, not because I say so or the church says so . He loves us cause his word says so. Whether Gays or addicts, whether big or tall we all belong.  For we are weak and He is strong. Strong enough to carry all our flaws and failings.

O Jesus loves us o yes he loves us. He so dearly loves us. As he always had. Holding out his hands saying " o my child come to me, Come to me just as you are. Bring me all your broken pieces, Bring me all your anger and hate. Its ok come to me and let me love you for the ragamuffin you are.

Friends when you experience his love, When you really take that time to just let him love all over. Into all the cracks, all the if I only did this or I regret that's, all the fuck ups that we just cant seem to get over. when we truly let him love us its a freedom of true peace... I am in the midst of it right now.

Its a journey but at the end of the journey I know I will come out refreshed!

If you never loved me...

If you never loved me why did you acted like it . If you never loved me why did you show me you did. Why did you touch my face and send me all those texts? Why did you lead me down a road of a belief that was a lie. If you never loved me why did you mess with my heart like you did. Now as I have to deal with this pain of hurt you go on like nothing happened.  You moved on and don't give it a second thought of the pain and anger you've stirred up inside me. You don't think twice about the lie you made me believe that cuts deep inside my soul. As you lie their next to him... As you squeeze him tightly and tell him how you love his face and miss his face. How you run your hand through his hair and down the side of his face, your blind to the fact that  you fucked with my head and got deep into my soul.  And you than you wonder why I spaz out. You wonder why I act the way I do. Maybe because you never loved me and yet acted as you did and it flipped a switch inside me that I can't seem to flip back.  Maybe because you didn't listen to me when I told you to be open and honest.   You truly are  not like anyone I have ever met. You hurt me deeper than anyone I have ever known and you will never realize the damage you truly have done.  HOWEVER, I will not let you strip me of the person I am ! I will just be more cautious! I will not let you take everything away from me, I will live on! I will move on! I will not let you control me or my feelings any longer. I will love again! and I will dream again! and I WILL BELIEVE AGAIN!!! BECAUSE ENDLESS POSIBILITIES ARE POSSIBLY ENDLESS!!!! I WILL SING AND I WILL DANCE! I WILL NOT LET YOU WIN!!!

I hate you!!!!

I hate you! I hate that you filled my heart with love that was not true. I hate that you lied to me. I hate that you allowed me to pour out my heart and soul than used it against me. I hate that you really don't care. I hate that I love you.  I hate that you can really give two fucks about me. I have nothing but hatred for you.  I hate that your no longer mine. I hate that I actually fell for you. I hate You!!!!. But more than anything I hate that I can't let you go.!!!! Ughhh Ughhh

There comes a time in everyone's life,  more than once, where you take a step back.

Promises

Don't you love it when your promised something and it goes unanswered. It hurts and usually leaves a void in you. I have been promised things many times and just because they say they promise I tend to believe them. I have many voids in me because of this reason. People not holding up to the end of the deal.

      Friends that are great friends on paper and with words but when their force to put those words to action the just simply are not friends. They are simply people trying to say what they have to say in order to get what they want, even if that means they have to make a promise they don't intend to fulfill.

When I think about this and my situation in life, it hurts deep. The pain almost paralyses me but that is when The GREAT GOD ALMIGHTY speaks! and we get to see all the promises that he makes are kept and fulfilled. Even when we lack on our end. He still comes through. In the midst of our tears and heartache God shines through.  His promises we can stand on, his promises are real and true. and I truly and blessed to have been told about him.

Thank you to all the people that told me about this AMAZING GOD ALMIGHTY

Who holds the key?

Yesterday I went to get a tattoo on my chest that symbolizes a very meaningful event in my life.
 My tattoo is a superman logo with the letter "A" in the middle instead of an "S". with a keyhole in the middle of the "A". On the top and bottom it say Endless possibilities. My tattoo symbolizes a moment in my time that was Super Amazing showing me that there truly are Endless possibilities and I locked my heart up

New place, New life, New ME!!!!

   In the next couple of days I will be moving into my apartment all by myself along with my puppy, Buddy. This is the first time I ever lived alone and I am so looking forward to it.  There is a lot of things I like to do different about my life and I am so looking forward to being able to do so.
   Over the 30 years I have been living I have learned a lot of things about myself. the major thing is that I just want to be loved. I want to be shown that I am loved. Its something that I have been craving from my mother for years. I grew up thinking that if I did everything she asked then she might love me just a little bit more than what she does. That craving leaked into my relationships as a child and an adult. Rather it be friendships or relationships  I would try and prove my love to those I truly loved. I always went above and beyond to let them know that I loved them even to the point of  sacrificing my morals at times. I eventually learned that I need to love myself first before I tried to love anyone else. I also learned that how can I expect someone else to love me if I don't love myself.
    Once I realized this I put a caution boundary in place where I knew what the red flags looked like when I was trying to "force" someone to love me. Once I saw the red flags I knew I had to take action. Now I am at the point in my life where I love myself and if I am the only one that loves me that so be it.
    I will no longer try to force anyone to love me, try to prove my love to anyone or beg anyone to love me. If I love you I will tell you and show you but other than that they will get exactly what they give. Including my family. This might mean that I stop talking to family and friends but I am at the point where I have realized that I count too and I matter also. There are some people in my life that truly means the world to me and it would hurt greatly if I lost them but it hurts more to keep them in my life knowing that I will constantly be let down by them. So its better to just let them go if that's what they choose to do.
  Any who, I am so looking forward to living in a secluded area, doing me, working my passion. I will have a clearer mind and will be able to focus on me and my work. I will be able to spend much much much needed time with my creator. I will be able to fall more in love with my self . I am sure there will be times  of loneliness where I miss some people but I am expecting those times and look forward to accepting them and embracing them.
    So I am not sure who reads this or not just know if you realize our friendship has changed whether for the better or worse then take a look at your side cause I am just going to give back what I get in return.  I will try for so long then after so many rejections Ill just stop. I am a firm believer of if its important to you, you will make an effort.  If their is no effort made then I guess its just not that important to you.

Do I love her? Do I love her not?

At times I wonder if I really am in love with her and other times I wonder how could I not be in love with her.  There are days that I hurt so much from the pain she caused me. I wonder if it was all just a big game to her and she knew how she was fucking with my head. Then there are those days that I really wonder if she could even have it in her to be so cold.
  When she is gone for a period of time I start missing her. I really don't think she purposefully set out to fuck with my head. She just isn't that type of person but I don't believe she realized what she was getting herself into when she met me.  I don't think she believed just how real i was.

Lost cause?

In my line of work I see cases where people just don't seem to be "trying" to better there life. They continue to make choices that leads them down a bad road in life. They have opportunities to change their life and yet they dont. Why is that? Just because they don't change are they really a lost cause?
     I would have to say no they are not. Yes you do get to that point where you as an individual just accept them where they are at and just leave it in their ball court weather they want to change or not. Yeah that might include backing off a little bit but to lose hope in them is something you should never do. If they were a lost cause they wouldn't have been placed on this earth.

Do You, Own You, Love You!!!

     In the last month or so I have noticed a lot of people wanting to be something they are not, themselves.  They talk about how no one will love them or people will talk shit about them and a lot of other reasons why they just cant be the one person they so desperately want to be.
        I have a friend that I have told from the first day I met her to just DO her. She cant be anyone else but herself and she gets to choose who she is. She can be anything she wants to be and she is doing just that. She figuring out who she is, what she wants, and I am very proud for her she's taking it one day at a time and  Doing her.

  But she still has to learn to OWN what she does. If she wants to go to a party with some friends but doesn't own it then there is something there that she doesn't like and she is really not being her. Not everyone is going to like and accept what you do or think and that is ok. I would never want to be loved by fake love cause that's when you get hurt the worst cause its all a lie and lies hurt a lot more than the truth. So if you want to go do something with someone and you have to hide it or lie about it then maybe you should question yourself and your motives cause your not only being unfair to others but your also being unfair to yourself.

No matter where you go in your life, people are going to come and go. Some will stay always but you are the only one that has to stay in your life so LOVE yourself no matter what. yeah if you do something they don't like then they might walk out of your life or they might take something away that you need. But true people, real friends don't set expectations. they love you right where your at. However if you decide not to be honest with yourself and not with your friends. Are you being a real friend to them? And if your not being a real friend to them and not OWNing up to really is going on then they are making choices that they probably wouldn't have made if they knew the truth. 

Life is much easier when you Do you Own you and Love you. cause people get exactly what they see and you get to be loved for just being you. :)

Forever

Forever is a very very long time.  Never say never

Dear rae

Dear Raelynne Penn,
     
  Hey I hope this letter finds you in good spirit.  So much has happened in the last 6 months that brings so much emotions and thoughts up in me.
    When I first met you and started talking to you I thought I was in awe of you. When I got up the courage to tell you how I was into you I really was all about us just being a fling. I wasn't about the committing or even settling down. I just wanted it to be just something little something small. I didn't want to get attached. 
    Then next thing I know you were writing me letters and texting me how fun you were having and how I made you smile. You were telling me how we should get a house together and I can have my dream of being a foster parent.  As I would listen to you and read those things I would think to myself wow she really cares and I am important to someone and for once in my life I felt alive; I felt like someone actually cared about me.
    Then you started coming over and never leaving which lead you to moving in. During this time I felt myself falling for you, looking forward to coming home every night knowing your arms would be waiting for me. It felt amazing to know I was important and loved by someone. It was simply  amazing. 
     Then just as it began it started ending.  No more pet names, no more I love your face, no more quality time together.  Coming home to your arms stopped. Everything just ended and I couldn't figure out why? All I knew is I did the one thing I promised I would never do again. I gave you my heart. I fell in love with you and it scared the shit out of me. But you were different,  or so I thought.
    I look at where I am now and where you are and I realize that I fell in love with the feelings you allowed me to feel.  I attached your actions towards me to the way it made me feel and I craved to feel that good so when your actions stopped so did those feelings.  I started hurting again and that pain grew to hurt extremely. 
  I know you have issues and they affect those around you including me. I know your just trying to figure your life out as so am I. I know that I love you but to say that I'm in love with you I can not truly say because if you don't know who you truly are how can I or anyone else.  I know I fell in love with feeling loved by you.
    I'm learning that I am loved weather or not I feel it . I can't live my life waiting on you to tell me how you feel about me. I just need to love myself and allow you to figure you out and do you. I have to remember if it's going to be, its going to be. I also have to know that you feel whatever you feel for me and that's for you to know. Rae I love you,I know I do and I'll always be here for you but I have come to accept that I can only live one day at a time so that's what I'm going to do.

How to live life

Suit up show up shut up

Honesty

Sometimes the hardest person to be honest to is yourself.  You know the truth, the way you think or how you truly feel but to admit it and accept it is hard.
    I said alot of things in the beginning thinking I knew her. It's hard admit i was wrong. I want so bad for her to be that girl i fell in love with, that girl that I became addicted to. I thought I would always love her, that she was the one. And I been fighting myself. Cause I ask myself would I or could I still be in love with her even when the very thing I fell in love with is gone.  I've never had love absolve like this. And it makes me feel numb cause i have to fight myself to keep my love for her alive. When i stop and let go just like the wind blows it's gone. No more do i care how she feels about me. It's like i can get up and walk away and not even look back. I just want to love and i want to be there. But i got to accept the person i want her to be and the person she is is totally two different people.  Honesty it's hard.

Smile :)

"Smile"

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...

If you smile
With your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...

If you smile
Through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile...

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

SMILE :)

Its more than just your lips expanding across your face. Its more than your eyes brightening. When you smile it goes deep inside you and changes you. It makes you think differently and feel differently. 

There's people out there that can make me smile just at the thought of them and when my grin goes up and my eyes brighten that's when my mood perks and my heart beats and I know that anything is truly possible and I truly am loved and I do matter. So on those sad days where your heart hurts and your eyes are wet go find that "happy place"  that makes you smile and just

SMILE :)

You're better than the best I'm lucky just to linger in your light
Cooler than the flip-side of my pillow (that's right)
Completely unaware
Nothing can compare to where you send me
It lets me know that it's okay (yeah, it's okay)
And the moments when my good times start to fade
[Chorus:] You make me smile like the sun,
Fall outta bed
Sing like a bird,
Dizzy in my head
Spin like a record,
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool,
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold,
Buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Oh, you make me smile

Even when you're gone
Somehow you come along
Just like a flower poking through the sidewalk crack
And just like that
You steal away the rain
And just like that
[Chorus]
Don't know how I lived without you
'Cause every time that I get around you
I see the best of me inside your eyes
You make me smile

You make me dance like a fool,
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold,
Buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Oh, you make me smile
[Chorus]
(Oh, you make me smile)
Oh, you make me smile
(Oh, you make me smile)
Oh, you make me smile 

EVEN IF ITS JUST FOR TODAY!!!!





Goodbye

Goodbye love
Goodbye touch
Goodbye breathe
Goodbye emotions
Goodbye fantasy
Goodbye feelings
Goodbye truth
Goodbye  

Before I go crazy......

So have you ever wonder if you really went crazy? Have you ever believed something so deep inside urself and everyone else is telling u ur crazy for thinking like that? It's like when there is a fire and everyone is running in the direction of the door and your the only one running the other direction. At times you stop and wonder if you really have lost your mind . The sad part is the person your running to is the only person that can answer that question. ...

Whose got me

Sometimes I want to be gotten!  Sometimes I want someone to have my back!  Sometimes I want to be missed!  But more than anything I just want to be loved

Your life will be affected in a profound way.

Your life will be affected in a profound way.



They might stay in your life or they might go but either way let it be what ever it is

Pain

What do you do when you hurts so deep inside? What do you do when the very one that causes the pain just happens to know exactly what your feeling.? It's like holding onto something that just causes me nothing but heart ache. So y not just let go? Why not give up? Why not just turn around and walk away? Cause if those that were hurt now hurt others well maybe if you love them they will eventually learn to love others.

Life

Sometimes in life you don't want to admit the truth cause when you admit the truth it could cause pain.  But I think this time I think I'm gonna be alright

Good morning

Today is my second day of no facebook.  I wanna get on it because I want people to know what I have to say. But I wonder if people even really care what I have to say? Not having facebook as really made me start thinking about this illusion that Facebook gives people.  Like the illusion of friends. .. just cause we are friends on Facebook does that really mean we are friends in life? I'm blessed to be able to have lived before facebook and it was a whole different concept back than. You went outside and played with your friends. You had sleep overs with them and you got in the mud and got dirty. And there was a computer screen or phone between you and them.  Facebook has became a very addicting part of society and everything including our emotions are based on what the Facebook world has to say about us. Everyone has an opinion about everything.
        I find myself wanting what I had with Raelynne but then again I wonder if it was just an illusion she put on. I wonder if she got too scared and backed out or if she didn't want to hurt me so she just stopped. 
    Hmmm lol I bet you there Is a pattern in my blogs. Anyways life is life :)
      
    

All about me

Going through my email I had alot of emails notifying me of all the Facebook status I was tagged in. As I read through all the ones Raelynne tagged me in I quickly realized how I seen how she was all about me. How she would praise me for doing things for me or how she couldn't wait for me to get off work. I almost teared up when I read one where she said she loved me. That one of the things I really miss hearing her say. She says all we do nowadays is fight and maybe that is true.  I just wish we could be like we used to be.  I miss those days alot but I also know that I can't live for her.  Idk I just know I gotta do me and make myself happy.

The nut job

Just finished watching The Nut Job. It was a pretty good movie.  You know when I want to walk away from people and be independent and only worry about myself I realize what I'm all about is exactly what life is all about, Sharing.

Facebook deactivated day one

Well I find myself wanting to get on facebook. .. it's like a window in people's life. When your on facebook you almost like connected to something bigger but when you really think about it it really is nothing but drama and complaints. It's a huge ball of poor poor pitiful me's. Yeah it's tough not being on it cause I feel lost but I know this is a good thing for me and in time I will reap good things from it. But right now major withdraws.

Change of focus

So as life takes us down a path sometimes we get so caught up  in chasing something that we forget what we are supposed to be chasing. The other night I was on facebook searching to find something that I know had to be there. I was asking people if they knew anything about it. When out of no where I was slapped across the face with a huge hand. Then God was like Dorothy get a grip of yourself.... your chasing after something that is making you go insane when your supposed to be chasing after me and if you were chasing after me you wouldn't be worrying what others are doing.
    So I have decided to change my focus. I deleted everything out of my life that will cause me to get wrapped up in this fanasty that leads to a empty broken road full of anger pain and hurt. I am leaving Thursday to put myself in check. And starting Monday I will be one my new road to a more fuller prosperous road. I'm looking forward to it. 

Reality

It's been a while since I wrote on here but I thought it's better to write my books on here then on facebook.  life is going alright for the most part. Trying to struggle to find my place in Raelynne 's life. But I think we found a place that suits us both. I know there will come a time that she will get a boyfriend and it will sting for a bit but if he makes her happy then that's all that matters. She asked me today why I don't look for someone. I wasn't looking when I found her and I don't want to find or be with anyone.  If someone comes along then so be it. But I am not interested in a serious relationship.  I got to get my life together.  Focusing on me.