Dear rae

Dear Raelynne Penn,
     
  Hey I hope this letter finds you in good spirit.  So much has happened in the last 6 months that brings so much emotions and thoughts up in me.
    When I first met you and started talking to you I thought I was in awe of you. When I got up the courage to tell you how I was into you I really was all about us just being a fling. I wasn't about the committing or even settling down. I just wanted it to be just something little something small. I didn't want to get attached. 
    Then next thing I know you were writing me letters and texting me how fun you were having and how I made you smile. You were telling me how we should get a house together and I can have my dream of being a foster parent.  As I would listen to you and read those things I would think to myself wow she really cares and I am important to someone and for once in my life I felt alive; I felt like someone actually cared about me.
    Then you started coming over and never leaving which lead you to moving in. During this time I felt myself falling for you, looking forward to coming home every night knowing your arms would be waiting for me. It felt amazing to know I was important and loved by someone. It was simply  amazing. 
     Then just as it began it started ending.  No more pet names, no more I love your face, no more quality time together.  Coming home to your arms stopped. Everything just ended and I couldn't figure out why? All I knew is I did the one thing I promised I would never do again. I gave you my heart. I fell in love with you and it scared the shit out of me. But you were different,  or so I thought.
    I look at where I am now and where you are and I realize that I fell in love with the feelings you allowed me to feel.  I attached your actions towards me to the way it made me feel and I craved to feel that good so when your actions stopped so did those feelings.  I started hurting again and that pain grew to hurt extremely. 
  I know you have issues and they affect those around you including me. I know your just trying to figure your life out as so am I. I know that I love you but to say that I'm in love with you I can not truly say because if you don't know who you truly are how can I or anyone else.  I know I fell in love with feeling loved by you.
    I'm learning that I am loved weather or not I feel it . I can't live my life waiting on you to tell me how you feel about me. I just need to love myself and allow you to figure you out and do you. I have to remember if it's going to be, its going to be. I also have to know that you feel whatever you feel for me and that's for you to know. Rae I love you,I know I do and I'll always be here for you but I have come to accept that I can only live one day at a time so that's what I'm going to do.