In the next couple of days I will be moving into my apartment all by myself along with my puppy, Buddy. This is the first time I ever lived alone and I am so looking forward to it. There is a lot of things I like to do different about my life and I am so looking forward to being able to do so.
Over the 30 years I have been living I have learned a lot of things about myself. the major thing is that I just want to be loved. I want to be shown that I am loved. Its something that I have been craving from my mother for years. I grew up thinking that if I did everything she asked then she might love me just a little bit more than what she does. That craving leaked into my relationships as a child and an adult. Rather it be friendships or relationships I would try and prove my love to those I truly loved. I always went above and beyond to let them know that I loved them even to the point of sacrificing my morals at times. I eventually learned that I need to love myself first before I tried to love anyone else. I also learned that how can I expect someone else to love me if I don't love myself.
Once I realized this I put a caution boundary in place where I knew what the red flags looked like when I was trying to "force" someone to love me. Once I saw the red flags I knew I had to take action. Now I am at the point in my life where I love myself and if I am the only one that loves me that so be it.
I will no longer try to force anyone to love me, try to prove my love to anyone or beg anyone to love me. If I love you I will tell you and show you but other than that they will get exactly what they give. Including my family. This might mean that I stop talking to family and friends but I am at the point where I have realized that I count too and I matter also. There are some people in my life that truly means the world to me and it would hurt greatly if I lost them but it hurts more to keep them in my life knowing that I will constantly be let down by them. So its better to just let them go if that's what they choose to do.
Any who, I am so looking forward to living in a secluded area, doing me, working my passion. I will have a clearer mind and will be able to focus on me and my work. I will be able to spend much much much needed time with my creator. I will be able to fall more in love with my self . I am sure there will be times of loneliness where I miss some people but I am expecting those times and look forward to accepting them and embracing them.
So I am not sure who reads this or not just know if you realize our friendship has changed whether for the better or worse then take a look at your side cause I am just going to give back what I get in return. I will try for so long then after so many rejections Ill just stop. I am a firm believer of if its important to you, you will make an effort. If their is no effort made then I guess its just not that important to you.
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