To whom it may concern

To whom it may concern:

I have a friend and she is probably one of my Best Friends and i enjoy hanging out with her. when i am with her i am at peace with life. i know that she truly cares about me as a person and wants the best for me. Even though we spend alot of time together i don't know everything she thinks feels or does. i am tired of you asking me about her and her life. she is a type of person that if she wants you to know then she will tell you and if she doesn't then i guess she doesn't want you to know. i feel like i am constantly defending our friendship and i am tired of it. she is my friend and i made that choice and if you don't like it well too bad you don't have to be her friend. so i am letting you know to stop talking to me about her because what you say to me will not change my opinion of her. She has been there for me when no one else was and she is a great person. i just wish you would stop condemming her and worring about our friendship and take the time to get to know her on a personal level because then and only then will you see the reasons i choose to hang with her. you will see the amazing heart that God gave her and the incredible mind that she has. if you only take the time to look deeper then the service you will see my true friend, my loyal friend, the person that i thank God for every night before i fall asleep. you will see the true lovable Ashley and you will not regret doing so.
Dottie

ash
thanks for everything your amazing. i am so glad that your my friend and i will always have your back.

Whats the problem with just talking

so i spent the day with my friend yesterday. i got up early and went to church with her roommate then we met up with her at taco bell and grabbed lunch. after that we came back and i went rollerblading for a little bit then went back to my friends apartment and hung out with her til i went home. on the way to taco bell her roomate was complaining to me about how she has to work and my friend doesn't have to work and that she should. she was also saying how she doesn't get how my friend's parents don't make her work. while she kept venting i just sat there and listened and told her that maybe she shouls talk to my friend about it.
Later on in the day when i was hanging out with my friend she starts telling me about how her roomate complains all the time about how she has to work and how my friend doesn't and then my friend decided to vent all her frustration out about the exact same thing. i had to laugh because it was funny to me that both of them are upset about something that is totally a personal choice that they made. i told my friend to talk about it but she also said no.
My Thoughts?
first of all they have a choice weather or not they choose to work or not work, safe or not safe, Money is a personal choice and they need to stop getting upset because of what the other chosses. it was ridiculous. Secondly why couldn't they just talk about it. it is evident that they both have a different perspective on it and they both are justifiable so why not just learn the other person's perspective instead of getting upset over it.
thirdly, as i was just writing this i wonder if i have ever gotten upset over something stupid like this?
k i got to go return my books and see if i can make any money so i can go to encounter tommorrow.

Work

So i have been here since noon today and i have had alot of stuff i wanted to say. first of all i don't get why chrisitans can't be creative enough to create their own toys and games. they always have to take the secular version of something and change it. for example we have a christian version of DDR. how do you dance to christian music? Secondly i decided to let phil ( the guy i work with) to work in the cafe because i hate working in the cafe and only want to because you get tips back there so we are going to split the work and the tips. this is me starting to be less selfless. thirdly we are having a jazz band play here tonight. i don't know how they will do but i hope it brings us some people because i don't want it to be dead like it is now. i did bring a book to read though just in case:)

I might get it.

i posted the other day about Encounter and how i love going to it but it drives me nuts. my friend told me that i need to research the emergent church so as i was looking at it i think i might get why it drives me nuts.
They are always talking about a journey that they are on and with the emergent church and how they go about with their way of teaching they will never be able to come to some time of certainity. i am ok with be uncertain about some things but in order to believe you have to have a basic certanity. For me i know that God exist and i know that he wants the best for me. given there are time in my life i feel like it isn't true i know at the end of the day it is true. it is my basic level of certainity and with that i can come back to it and know it is true. this gives me the freedom to question other things and "journey" down other roads. With the emergent church who knows was it true and what isn't. that is what bothers me because it is too full of unknowns for my comfortable level.
What do i like about the emergent church or at least encounter. i like the acceptance aspect of it. i like the community part of it. i like the questions that they ask and i like looking at it from others perspective. i just really don't like the attitude that your on your own journey and it is ok to be where you are at because sometimes we need someone to pull us onto the right path of life. and if we are all on our own journey then how can we be a true community.

WOW!!

so i feel like i have so much to say that i don't know if i want to write it all down but i will try to keep going and write it all down.

yesterday was a very thought provoking day for me. In chapel as people were singing worship songs i decided to join in and see if i would get start to enjoy it again because everytime i stand up there to sing i just feel like i am being a hypocrit because i don't get some of the songs. My chaplaing had stated something about worship is when you give God the the glory whether you feel like it or not. i want to give him the glory and i am tired of being selfish so i just kept singing even though everything inside of me said to sit down.
After chapel i did usual stuff and then went home a took a nap.
then i went to encounter and this is where the WOW comes into play.
i LOVE going there but at the same time the place gets on my nerves. i feel like it is a christian rave because everyone is accepted and loved which is good but there is no accountability. it is more like a buffet and you can pick what is right for you. in a sense there is no truth to set up structure. there is no accountability and that doesn't set right with me.
on my way home i was thinking about how we do things that helps us out and how we want to percieve them. it is like we change God to fit our standards. God isn't suppose to change.
i am at a place in life that i don't like because God is disciplining me and he is showing me love.
So i am intrigued by going to encounter because i think they have something going for them i think it is just a bit on the whereever your at its ok extreme.
After going to encounter my friend ashley and i went to get a bite to eat and as she was driving i kept thinking about how my attitude changes when i am around her. i don't feel so stressed. i can't explain it but i like hanging out with her because of the peace that i have. i hate leaving. it is actually of the the hardest things for me to do.
i got home and another friend called me and she asked me my plans for friday and saturday during graduation and i told her that i am not 100% sure and i am not commiting to anything with her because i want to hang out with ashley ans see her family and i don't know what there palns are. My friend got upset and even though she didn't say she was upset i knew she was. and it is ok that she is because i am ok with being who i am and what i want to do. so it was a long day yesterday.

Selfish Son of a Bitch

so i am have been doing alot of thinking about myself lately and how i treat others and view others . i was thinking about how i am so selfish and i hate it. Given i don't know what is going on inside other people's head when they do a good deed for someone but le me tell you what goes on inside of mine. At first i do it out of love then while i stir on doing something nice i start to think about how it is going to better me and i lose complete focus on why i wanted to do it in the first place. Here are some examples ( its ok if you decide that you don't want to hang out with me after you read this)
Example#1 So a guy that i work with was going on a mission trip and needed someone to cover his hours so i told him yes. my intiall thought was i like him and i don't mind helping him out. my next thought was man look at all the money i am going to get.
Example#2 A friend asks me to be in a wedding and i say yes. My first thought was she deserves to have me in her wedding after all the crap i put her through. my second thought i will be attracting so many people because i will be in a dress.
Example#3 A friend is comes to visit me and another friend wants to visit her so i decide not to go to work because i know she will hang with me and not with her. Yes that was yesterday.

See what i mean! i hate it. i didn't even have a thought to change in the third example and there are more alot more. i want to be less self fish/ i know i cannot become completly selfless but i know i can come more then what i am. it seems like in every situation i find my motive of doing something more of what it is going to get me in the end. i don't like that. i really don't.

i was telling my friend that was here yesterday about it and i called myself a selfish son of a bitch and that is what i am. i am not trying to put myself down i am just being honest. i want to be able to do things for people and share things without thinking about myself.

my friend asked me this question and it might help if i answer it. What is the underlying feeling?
i would have to say fear. especially with my friends. i know its not true and i am still trying to work through it but i am scared that people close to me are going to leave me and i will be alone. given with some of my friends it has been proven true BUT i am still surving and i am ok. and with the others ( really just one other) it is a false assumption that i am waiting to happen and i will probably be waiting for a while cause i don't think it will happen anytime in the next century or so:)

So now that i and you know that part of my selfishness stems from fear i am know a Selfish Scared Son of a bitch. Maybe you help me by giving me ideas to just become a little more selfless in life and be ok with sharing and doing good things for the other person and not for myself.

who ever came up with the idea to work

i don't get it. i know that i am not the best or close to the best worker and i am not saying that i am but it drives me nuts when people are working but not working. i was at work today and there was another person working with me and for most of the time she was talking to her friends. now i don't have a problem with people talking to their friends. the problem comes when there is stuff to be done ( like taking care of customers) when it bothers me when they are talking to their friends. i finally looked down at my phone to see what time it was and it said 4:40 so i decided to leave because if it is that dead then their only needs to be one person there so i happily volunteered myself to leave.
also today my boss frustrated me because she can't make up her mind with a question that i asked her and apparently it is ok for some people that work their decide if they when they can work even when they are scheduled to work.

No phone!

i have been doing alot better than i thought i would without my phone. i do have to say that i honestly am having a hard time not being able to text my friend and i think that i will not take it for granted when i get to have my phone back. hopefully i will be geting one on friday. i didn't pay my phone bill because i was irresponsible and i want to go to another carrier. anyways it has not been easy. i have found myself all alone with my thoughts and i can't just pull out my phone and text people stuff as i think of it. like today on the way down to chapel a kids chain came off as he was riding down rody hill and he about wrecked it was funny and i wanted to share it with my friend but couldn't. so hopefully i will be able to stay calm and collective for two more days.

last night

ok so can i just say I COULD NOT SLEEP LAST NIGHT!! i went home after i went for my walk because there was really nothing else that i could of done. i got home and brian and brandy were there so i decided to get my book and read it because it is getting enticing. i read three chapters and decided to go to bed around 9 so i got everything ready for this morning and layed down and tried to fall asleep but the one thing that usually wakes me up when i do start drifting asleep kept me up. MY PHONE! i am used to it vibrating or ringing a couple of times but it didn't because i don't have service so it was quiet extremely quiet in my room and i didn't like it. i tried just closing my eyes and thinking about my breathing and each time i took a breath and let it out i tried to picture myself falling deeper into sleep world but it didn't work. i tried a whole sort of methods the last one that i thought of was closing my eyes and coming up with a dream and force myself to have a dream. so that is what i did and i fell asleep but woke up like every 2 or 3 hours. it sucks.

I just don't know what to do

So i am at the computer lab and was just finshing up on some odds and ends of homework and i am kind of tired doing homework so i decided to take a break but i don't know what to do now. i don't want to go home because the people i am living with are having company over and i don't really like them so i don't want to go there. i could go see my friend in Kent but she is still upset with me as far as i know and i don't want to make her uncomfortable so i can't really fo there. so i decided to write one here and realize that i don't have a whole lot of stuff to do. i wouldn't mind going rollerblading but again my blades are at my friend's apartment which takes me back to the above statement as to why i can't go there. i could go to the tree but i don't know who is working besides adam and katie and i don't want to go there considering i work there and that is enough for me to go there. so i am bored because i don't know what i want to do. i could stop writing on here and do some more homework but i don't have much left and if i do it all now i won't have anything to keep me busy for the rest of this week. So this just occured to me but it is so weird to me that i can have alot to do and be bored yet yesterday i had nothing to do and i sat behind indy dorm in my friends car for most of the day and i was just fine. that is strange to me. well maybe i will go for a walk and then come back and maybe do some homework or find something to do until i can go home and go to bed.

poems

the other night i was lying in bed and some thoughts for new poems started flowing through my head so i wrote them down. this is just the rough draft but let me know what you think

this first one is a non christian talking to God about they way he views christians

God,
Is it true?
Is it true what they say?
They tell me all i need to do
is bring it to you.
They say you will forgive me
and that you died for me.
They talk about how they follow you
and strive to be just like you.
But the things the say
and the things they do?

They say that you love the whole earth
Yet they love just a select few
The say you walked with the outcast
Yet they turn them away
They tell about how you always prayed to your father
Yet they gossip about each other

God, Do you see what i am trying to say
If they won't truly strive to follow you
Why should i when i don't even believe


this next is about the way the church doesn't love

Love Thy Neighbor
Love me
Can you follow that command
Is it just that simple
Well lets just see

Let me tell you about me
I am a drug addict
I am a sex offender
I am gay
I am fallen

I am a deadbeat dad
I am an alcohlic
I am a pedophile
I am human

I am homeless
I am a drug dealer
I am a prostittute
I am a sinner

I am the person sitting across the pew
I am that guy that raped your daughter
I am that women that took your husband from you
I am forgiven
I am your neighbor
I am loved by jesus
Am i still loved by you

let me know your thoughts

can a square fit in a triangle shaped hole

Has anyone sucessfully been able to put a sqare shape object in a triangle shape hole of the same size? Recently ( i might have talked about this before) i have been realizing how so many people try to put their ways of doing things on other people. I know i have probably done it myself and the more i see other people doing it the more i am learning that it is ok if others do things differently then you. i think it is hard for people to know that their are different ways of doing things and i have gotten alot of people telling me how i should do things but never telling me why i should do it that way. For example i was eating breakfast with someone this morning and she brought up an inccident that happen a couple weeks ago and started telling me how i should see where other people are coming from and there point of view and how i should change my way of doing things for them. i don't expect them to change things for me and i won't change things for them especially if they don't have a valid reasoning behind it. this process of being who i am and being able to own it is freeing. i have been able to accept alot of things about myself and been able to be more honest with my friends with who i am.
This thought continued on during chapel when the speaker read a verse from the bible: 33For John the Baptist came neither eating bread nor drinking wine, and you say, 'He has a demon.' 34The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and you say, 'Here is a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and "sinners." As i was thinking about this verse i quickly realized no matter what choice i would have made they will find something i could have done different so it is best just to do want i think is best for me. people aren't going to like it but they will deal with it
and move on.

what other choice is there

so there are times in my life that i will talk to god and spend time with him but i find myself going to him when i am all out of answers and am desperate. why do i do that i don't know but i have been asking myself if i chose not to go to God what other choice is there to do? given that is all i know to do is talk to him but even when i do talk to him i still stay upset with myself but when things just seem way to much what else can i do but go to him. maybe i should go to him before it gets like this. anyways i have to go to work so i need to eat and take a shower. let me know if you have any thoughts or encouraging words for me given i put myself in this mess.

Top 10

so i was talking to my friend on the phone and was telling her how if there was such a thing i could be the doctor of friendships and i would make a pretty good living in that field. then she told me i should write a book. i decided to write down the top 10 things never to do in a friendship

10) don't date your best friends crush
9) don't hang out with your best friends friends without them
8)don't lie

what i have been learning

i have been learning how sometimes the right thing hurts. the other day i was talking to my friend and she has a choice to make so she asked me what should she do. i honestly wanted to tell her that she needed to make tha choice that involved getting to hang out with me but i knew that wasn't the one that she needed to hear or the right answer. i knew she needs to to the other choice. in all honestly i didn't want to tell her that because i wanted to be selfish but i have been learning that sometimes life isn't about me and that it is ok. i also have learned that i like to control things and i can't always do that either. i find myself wanting to freak out and start saying stuff but i don't and i see how it works out to be nothing at all and how God has is hand in life.
i have also realized that in order to be me i have to admit that i really do love God and i want to get to know him better. i have been missing that part of my life. i am me and God made me me and i am glad that i am me. the more comfortable i am with me being me i have notice the things i hold dear to my heart are purer and closer also.

To be one of the Three!

so graduation is coming up and i have been thinking alot about college and the five years that i spent here at grace. i have been doing alot of thinking about the one thing that i love most in life. F-R-I-E-N-D-S. Yep thats right Friends. i would have to honestly say that i wouldn't be walking in 30 days if it wasn't for my friends. i came back to school every year because i wanted to be around my friends. i will actually be graduating because of a friend that has helped me keep going when i wanted to quit. i have have many friends in my time at college that have helped me along the way. i started to think about friends and what it would be like to have Jesus as a friend. To have actually hung out with him and chatted with him. To be able to ask him questions, to joke with him, to play games with him, to have sleep overs with him. to actually be his friend just like the friends you do all those things with. Wonder what is was like to talk to him as he was walking by your house. Wonder if he had time for everyone that wanted to hang with him. Wonder if he brushed people to the side because he had things to do? I think of someone famous signing all these autographs and some people don't get one because the star just didn't have time to sign their autograph. was Jesus like that? to hang out with God that would be awesome! then to actually be one of his three best friends that would be just cool! wonder if jesus ever talked to them about all the pressure that was put on him or thoughts that he had. to be best friends with God that is just amazing to to that. to be one of the three that is just too cool