what i am thinking

Why do humans worry so much about what other people think about them? Why do we let other peoples actions and words dictate our thoughts and feelings about ourselves? i am really struggling with this myself lately. i have noticed how what other people say i take and create negative or postive thoughts about myself. It is so easy to do and the funny thing is it is harder to accept the truth and see myself as God sees me.

i heard a cool saying today and i am going to try and to remember it:

Watch your thoughts because they become your words
Watch your words because they become your actions
Watch your actions because they become your habits
Watch your habits because they become your character
Watch your character because it becomes your destiny

Dependency

God has really been showing alot with the last three weeks. i have been able to admit to i have a dependency issues. God has really opened my eyes and helped me to see that friendships are good and the ones i have he gave me as a gift. i just need to be able to let them be there own person and let me be my own person. We all have different personaliteis and we all like to do different stuff. I have noticed lately how i tend to get jealous, frustrated, and upset when things happen that make me insecure. i don't show them and i keep them inside because i know that they aren't healthy or a good thing so i jut push them way down inside and try to ignore them not let them be the base for my actions. i am really good at not always letting my feeling dictate my choices. i don't like it when these feeling start flooding in me and it makes me even more upset when they just sit in me and won't go away. I can just feel two consciouses going at it. I know that i don't need to be like this and everthing is going to be ok. i know at the end of the day the people i am afraid of leaving me will be there and will care for me. i know that they love me. i know all of that but the other part just keeps pounding into me that i am going to be alone that everyone is going leave me. the really cool part is i was able to talk to a friend and let her know that i do have this issue and i want to work on it and i don't know how. She just happens to be the one that i am dependent on and it is just so cool how she is really to help me work on it and give me people to talk to.
she is a really good friend and most people would probably say that you just need to drop them but i don't think that needs to happen i just need to be open and honest and work through it and things will get better. i know it is going to be hard but i know its going to be worth it all.

What makes us a women?

I just finished reading a book about women and their souls. as i was reading it yesterday while i was at a school that has six shows i was reading it outside and these two girls cames out. i am totally assuming this but i believe they were a couple. Anyways i started thinking about what makes us a women and i started thinking about my own struggle in life. We try to dress like a guy and some of us decided to live the lifestyle and date and some of us go as far as getting a sex change but by doing all of that does it change the core of who we really are? Does it give us different desires? Does it take the hurt and pain away? i couldn't help but think about how i was interwoven with my soul and no matter how i dress or the choices i make i am still me and i still have the desire to be loved and i still like romantic movies and i still like to cook and clean. We were all created to be women and no matter how "manly" we try to be we will always be a women and we will think like a women and we will have women qualities because we are women. i think you all should pick up the book that i read. it has helped me accept myself more for who i am. it is called Ruby Slippers by Jonalyn Fincher.

The "You better call your Parents" generation

Today i went with Chirs and Brian to the Verizon Store so Brian could get a new phone because his got broken last night. When we were in the store talking with the Verizon lady, brian mentioned how he was spending all of his money except for 15 dollars on an new phone and he will only have 15 dollars to last him the next two weeks. The first words out of the ladies mouth ( who was in her 20s) were you better be calling your parents. When she said that it hit me hard and i realized how our generation is all about calling our parents for money. Money doesn't grow on trees but our parents know where to get it and we know that we can get it from them. It is so true. So many friends that i have (including myself) go to there parents to get money and our parents give it to them. the most common way that we justify it is it can be a early christmas present or birthday present. who even said we get gifts this year. i was just amazed how our generation depends so much on our parents for money. What will we do when our parents are no longer with us?

Sad Day :(

Today chris, brian and I all headed down to Newport beach for the day. the two guys were looing forward to huge waves and alot of surfers. they were planning to had out bottles of water and moutain dews. I was looking forward to a nice Roly Poly wrap. When we got to the beach there were like 5 boogie boarders and they were all younger kids about middle school age and the waves her not that big at all. We staed there for a while and made it a fun time anyways then we headed off to got get lunch at Roly Poly and we get there to find them closed. i was sad. i went into the store next to them to see what their hours were and i find out they closed at 3pm. we got there at 4. we missed them by an hour. it was a sad day for me. But for the most part it was a cool time and we had fun. i did enjoy myself today although i don't think i will make this a habbit because hanging out with them was a little draining and i did come back and take a good nap which was good.

how many times does our mouth get us in trouble

Today i was at a school putting up the screens to get my show on the road and i had a couple of kids helping me. we were dong a camel which is where you fold the bottom part of the legs attach the screen and then pick the legs back up and latch them. i have been doing this for about a month now, anyways this teacher guy came up to me today and told me i was doing it wrong and that i needed to lay the screen down and attach the leg that way. i told him that i am doing it right but thanks for his help. All day i have been thinking about people who have no idea whats going on tend to think they know more then you on something. i thought about how many times have i done that and end up looking stupid at the end because i put my nose where it has no buisness being. i know i have done it plenty of times. At the end when i was tearng down the same guy came in and told us we had 30 min to tear down before pratice. i was like cool and got it done it like 15 20 min. he end up helping us a little bit at the end. before that he was talking to the janitor lady and i kept hearing the lady say i know that but here is where i am coming from. i wasn't really payinf much of attention so i could totally be wrong but it sounded like he seemed to be a know it all.

i won a bet today because someone try to tell me that Pennsylvania is 3 hours BEHIND California. Again they spoke to soon and they knew they did.

our mouth gets us in trouble so many times and some times it has bad consequences. i have been trying to think more before i speak and i have saved my butt alot by doing it