What do you want to have mattered?

"Sometimes when you are young you think nothing can hurt you its like being invisible. Your whole life is ahead of you and you have big plans. To find your perfect match, the one that completes you or the thing that completes you. But as you get older you realize its not always that easy.Its not until the end of your life where you realize the plans you made are simply plans. But then at the end when you are looking back instead of forward you want to believe you left something behind that is good. You want it all to have mattered"

At the end of one tree hill Lucas always says something. Tonight i was fortune enough to get what he said ( i think i missed a word or two).

As i was reading this again I started to think about this quote and how much i want my life to count. I want it to matter. I think about things i have done that isn't good. I think about it and realize that the time i have wasted for selfish pleasures that i could have used for good, use to encourage someone or to serve in some way but instead i used it to please myself. I want my life to matter. It isn't as easy as it looks but when i look back on my life or others look back i want people to be able to say that i fought hard to do what was good. i might have not always succeeded but i didn't give up easily.

How will it work out?

Today i am going to go search for jobs. I don't know if i will find any or not but i know that i plan on hitting every place in this town today. i am going to make a list of all my jobs and references and i am going to sit down and fill them in and turn them in and go to the next place. My plan is to do that all day today. As i was in the shower this morning i started thinking about how god might be teaching me humblness cause i don't want to work at a fast food resturaunt. i have a college degree for crying out loud I am better then that but then i started thinking about how i could see having me work at the exact place i don't want to work just to teach me a lesson. but as my friend says any job is better then no job. so lets see what happens.

Acceptance

I have been realizing how i have a hard time with acceptence. This quote is from The Big Book which is a book that people in AA read. It is my dad's life quote and I thought it was time to make it mine cause i have a hard time with acceptance. I wrestle with so many layers of it.


"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation-some fact of my life -unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake."

One tree hill lesson

Tonights episode had alot of different things that i came away with...

1. Everyone deserves a second chances.
Jamie is wondering why people keep getting mad at his grandpa dan. Given Dan shot his brother but he did turn himself in and i think he deserves a second chance and am hoping that he gets one.

2. Sometimes it good to be scared
Brooke gets to help kids from other countries that need some medical care. she is so excited but at the same time she is scared cause she doesn't know what she is getting herself in to . i have thought about how there are times that i am scared when big responsibilties come up in my life but it just goes to show that i need God to lean on.

3. The word Forever tends to scare some people

Brookes boyfriend O doesn't like the idea of a kid being a part of his and her's life so he decided not to come over to talk with brooke. A good friend tells her how forever sometimes scares people. I think sometimes we can image how long forever is.

4 Start doing what you enjoy.

Nathan and Haley have been told that they need to start doing what they enjoy so Haley is pursuing her music career and Nathan is going to start working on basketball again. I think that we need to do the stuff we enjoy was it is such a gift from God.

I really like watching this show cause i always walk away with something.

I can ... But you can't....

Have you ever noticed how many things that you do but then you don't like when someone else does it. I have noticed myself doing this alot lately so i thought i would list some.

I can live in sin but you can't
I can say no but you can't
I can decide not to grow to a better person but you can't
I can be selfish but you can't
I can not pay attention to you but you can't
I can be a hypocrit but you can't
I can climb up a slide the wrong way but you can't
I can yell at my nephew but you can't

I have noticed that I get mad or upset of frustrated or some other emotion when I see others doing doing one of these but when i look back at my pass and see when i did the same thing the first thing that wants to come out of my mouth is " THATS DIFFERENT" or some other excuse. But in all reality it isn't any different. alot of these things that i wrote are not good things and its not ok for anyone.

This is something that God has really been convicting me. I don't like being a hypocrit and ever since i had a disscussion with a good friend of mine all i notice is how hypocritical i am. I have seen alot of areas in my life that i need to change and realize if its not ok for you then its not ok for me.

If i don't like you living in sin then i should live in sin
If i want you to continue to grow to a better person then i should be growing into a better person
If i want you to pay attention then i should pay attention
If i don't like hypocrits then i shouldn't be one
If i don't want you to climb up a slide the wrong way then i shouldn't do it
If i don't like you yelling at my nephew then i shouldn't yell at him.

its just that simple.

quote

Find whatever that hangup is in your life preventing you from articulating the call of God on your life and overcome that hurdle. God has a plan for your life to change the world but it will only happen when you come to grips with it and begin moving forward."

My Wish

" think of a wish.. You have it? ... Now believe in it with all your heart and never let it go"

Have i said i love one tree hill? Because i do. I always walk away with something. Tonight i walked away with this quote. Has i was listening to the end of it i started thinking about what wish i would make. This might be messed up but this is what i thought of....

I thought about a friend of my and how i wish that she would get an undeserved blessing poured on her from God. I thought about how awesome it would me for my friend to get her dream job and how she would see God's hand at work even we she doesn't deserve it. I wish that my friend would get the job that she wants so bad.

You might ask why do i wish that?

This is why... cause my friend is one in a million. she is like no other and she is amazing when it comes to ministry. she can be down and you start talking to her about ministry you can see her start to light up. She belongs in ministry and I know its her calling in life. When you see her at work in a ministry setting she is on fire and there is no amount of water that will put her out. So my wish that i am going to belive in with all my heart and NEVER let go is to see my friend impact the world in a mighty way through ministry.

and i can't wait to see it happen.

I finally am realizing

I have been thinking alot about friends and who my friends really are. A couple of weeks ago I was going through some questions that i had and one of them was something about my friends. I was dialouging with a friend about the things that i want in a friend and just pretty much making it more complex then it had to be. I finally decided to take the simple route and say I will just stop making it so complex and just see where life takes me. So that is what i have been doing. i stopped doing alot of the pursuing and decided to just let them pursue me and if they pursue i just might pursue back.

This past week has been one of the most frustrating weeks in my life because i have seen with my own eyes how the group of my friends had selfish motives. yeah i know i am selfish and i am probably being just as selfish in this blog. But i thought these friends would like to know how i am doing, i figured after calling every saturday i would finally get a call back or a reply to my email. I thought my friends would encourge me in tough times or ask me the hard questions that i need to be ask. when i ask them those questions they tell me that is not what they want from me. Then they want to try and change my plans with other friends so they can have there time.

I am tired of it. i pursue and pursue and i get nothing back. i stop pursuing then they wonder why.

When i look at what a true friend is i see someone that truly cares and challenges. Someone that isn't afraid to ask the hard questions and is afraid to speak the truth. I see someone that cares more about me as a person then the friendship we have. i see someone that give to me as much as they take. I see someone that can be going through a hard time but the friendship is not threatened. If it wasn't for this friend that i am talking about i wouldn't have grown and been challenged, I wouldn't have been able to step up and be the friend to her like she has been to me.

For a long time i cared more about the friendships then the people. When i moved back up here i decided to change that and there are times that i still slip back into wanting the friendship more the wanting the health of the person. But i eventually get an eye opener and snap out of it.

I am not saying that you have to be perfect. We all mess up even me i am just saying that looking at all the people i call friends i am not realizing that some of them aren't as much of friends as i realize.

Gender goes deeper then our parts

I saw a little bit of Oprah today. It was about a man who is pregnant. While i was standing in the living room watching it he said that he doesn't believe that it is neither a man or women desire to be pregnant but a human desire. After asking my mom a couple question to catch me up on what is going on i come to find out the this guy was a girl and got a sex change and now has a desire to get pregant.

As i thought about the comment that he made about it is a human desire to be pregnant i kind of laughed inside cause it reminded me of something i once heard Sy Rogers say about how we can change the physical parts of out bodies as much as we want and it will never change who God made us. In other words i can get a sex change and look like a man but i am still a female and i will still have female desires and my DNA is female.

This person so proving his point cause it isn't a human desire to become pregnant it is human desire to have kids but it is a female's desire to be pregnant. God put that desire in women and by this guy having the desire to get pregnant it is showing that he still is female and has female desires.

I don't know if this makes sense at all but i just want people to realize that God doesn't mess up. He made us all female and male for a reason and we can't change our sex just by changing our physical apperance.

Jesus had help carrying his cross

Jesus had someone helping him carrying his cross.

Shouldn't we allow others to help carry our cross also?

You Are Being USED!!!

Have you ever wondered why humans go through the things they do? Why does God allow people to be abused? Why does God allow people to be raped? Why does God allow us to have same sex attractions? Have you ever wondered why God won't take certain thing away from you? Why does he allow certain images to run through our heads? Why does he allow things to happen even though we beg and plead for them to stop.

These are the kind of questions that i had been asking myself. I just didn't understand it. I didn't get why God wouldn't take away something that he doesn't like? I remember growing up and laying in bed at night crying out to God pleading with him to take away these thoughts and feelings that i had. I didn't like that and still don't. After a while i would go through a list of things i knew. I knew that he loved me. I knew that he didn't approve of same sex relationships. I knew that i didn't want to have one either. What i didn't get though was why do i have the desire inside of me? Why does it seem so natural to me? And the biggest question of all why won't God just take it away?

Well I recently was shown something that helped put these questions to ease.
It was around easter and so i started to think about Christ and the cross. I started thinking about how Christ beg and pleaded with God to take this suffering away from him but God chose not to. The journey from the garden to the cross Jesus was tortured and God allowed it to happen. After all the whippings he was nailed to the cross and God allowed it to happen. God allowed his son to go through one of the most painful, humilating deaths in history. Why? Why didn't God take it away? God didn't like it. I am sure he didn't want it to happen.

But God knew something we didn't know and don't know. God knows the future! God knew what was going to come from allowing his son to die on the cross and go through all that pain and torture. Just like God knows what came from the cross he also knows what will come from my struggles of ssa and he knows what will come from your life.

As i started to think about it in a new light it showed me that i can keep fighting and keep going cause God does love me and he wants the best for me and from me. God knows ours sins and sruggles, He knows our hurts and pains, and in some way i believe he is going to use them! so if you are reading this i encourage you to stay strong look forward and keep going cause you will be used by god