ventation

I love to journal out my thoughts, not to get feedback but just to get them out of my head. I am really confused right now. I have always been someone that does things for others. This next year I want that to be different. I want to start taking care of Me, but i sound so selfish when i think that way. I just know that no one will take care of me if i don't. I have done my share trying to help people and "fix" there problems. I have played God long enough and its time that I be me and work on myself. There are people out there that I love dearly and will continue to love but if i haven't shown them by now that i care about them then i will never be able to get it across to them.

I am just so confused with this world!!!

The greatest gift....

TRUE FRIENDS!!!!! yep that is the best gift. the last two days Ihave seen true friends in action. I was talking to a friend online last night and he helped me out alot with my mom and dad. He showed me that they have to have dedication for the long haul. I know its not my place to say what goes but I am just glad that i am able to see what i would do different if it were me and i am glad that i have the friendships that i do to hold me accountable if things were to get rough.
I also came home from spending a couple of days at my moms with my brother to a gift from one of my closest friends. She is a person that gets stuff that is so simple yet its so me. She catches the small stuff in our conversations and i like that about her. I am glad to have her in my life and I know that she is someone that God put in my life.

this is how cool she is.......

I was talking to her about how I always do stuff for others and I get left in the dust so this next year I am working on me. I have in 2011 its all about me on my phone and she got me a blanket with a monkey that says it is all about me. thats three in one. I told her i needed a new blanket, i like monkeys and its has my saying for 2011. its just too cool :)

by the way mr brother says hi

The greatest gift....

TRUE FRIENDS!!!!! yep that is the best gift.

Marry Christmas

........ For better or worse till death do we part? Isn't that what people say when they get married? Well I know my mom and step dad and sister and brother-in-law did. They should have said for better or until i can't handle it anymore and till stress do we part.
This christmas I got a present I wanted when I was five, when i was so small i didn't understand adult hood. My parents our getting a divorce, and my sister and brother might be as well.

It really boggles my mind. I never thought this stuff would happen. I am more in shock than anything. One reason i moved back home was to be around my family and now it is falling apart. My mom plans on moving to tenessee and I don't know what everyone else is planing on doing.

Some days i wonder why did i even bother moving back home. I really liked florida, yeah there were some bad parts but there are bad parts everywhere and there were also good parts in florida too. i have alot of friends down there.

Life is pretty messed up sometimes, This has taught me that I need to make myself happy cause if i don't no one will.

Prayer

When I first moved back to Indiana, I went through all my stuff I had left here when I moved to Florida. I came across all my journals that I wrote in. I started reading them and saw very quickly how alot of my prayers had been answered. Prayer works!! I know it does cause I have seen it work in my own life and in others that I have prayed continusly for.

Right now as I write this, a dear friend of mine is sitting behind bars probably withdrawing from all the drugs they had taken. I have been praying day and night, calling other people to pray with me also. However in this moment it doesn't seem to be doing any good. I am sure you have felt like that before. I know I have felt like that, but we forget its one HIS time not on my time and it is HIS way not my way.

Naturally, I wanted to find a way to bond them out, I want to help them but in the last six months I learned that when we go through the suffering we learn the truth. God is with us and the only way we learn is through experience. So I am praying that God continues to work on them and that they realize that it can be different and alot better if they choose to.

I know one day i will look back on this moment and see how God had answered my prayers, once again.

Where's the line?

Where is the line at in order to be saved ?

I ask this question because there have been mormons coming to my house. The say that they believe Jesus is God's son and that he died on the cross and rose again. They believe he is the Christ. But is that enough ? Talking with them we came to some disagreements and in the midst of trying to prove them right or wrong I wondered does it matter who is right or wrong. as long as we believe that much does it matter what we believe about heaven or hell or before and after life. Does any of that really matter?
I wonder if it does. But if it does then i want to fight for the truth. If it matters then i want to tell people the truth. But if it doesn't then i will just make sure they know Christ. so where is the line?

Scared?

when God calls you to do something do it even if it scares you, you will be bless.

another ride with my father...

Yesterday I went on another ride with my dad and this time we got lost!!! I never know where we are going when I hop on the back of his scooter but I put my trust in him to get me back home safely.

I love riding with him because it helps me build my relationship with God, my heavenly father.

It was a cold ride and my dad blocked the wind from me and kept me warm just like God does for was when I am tempted. He blocks it and helps me find a way out.

When we got lost my dad didn't lose faith or give up on getting home just like God didn't give up on me or lose faith in me when I lost my way.

Just like I put complete trust in my dad I also but complete trust in God.

Focus on HIM

It seems like its been a while since I blogged. Its not that I have nothing to write, its that I have so much to write when I go to write a blog I don't know what to write about that won't take all day to read :)

Like I said in my previous post I found a church and am getting involved. I get to meet the youth leaders tommorrow and hopefully can spend some time working with them. I still haven't found a job but I just keep my focus on God and know that he will provide for me. Sometimes I get bored but I just remember thatI have to continue to focus on HIM.

God is using different situations to lead me more and more to him. I have some mormons that keep coming by and we take time to talk about what they believe and what I believe. It has been really good for me to strengthen my walk with him. Some of the stuff they believe just boggles my mind and leads me to pray for them and the truth.

Life has its ups and downs turns and twists and its muds and mucks but I know that I just need to focus on God and take it bit by bit and I will be ok.

rounding the corner....

The bible tells us how we are running a race and how we need to persevere. I think about that alot when i look at my life. I am one that thinks about my life alot; the past, the present and the future. When i think about the past i think about all the choices i made in my life. Some choices were really dumb and i wonder why did i ever choose that. I also think about where i could have been if i would have not chosen that choice. I find myself getting upset alot when i think about the past because of where it has lead me which is here and now, the present.

Jobless, bored out of my mind, lonely at times, left with me, God and my thoughts. A week ago I just existed. I knew what i needed to do. I knew what God wanted me to do. He has been telling me to do it since i moved back home. He wanted me in church and involved. He didn't care where or how or when, He knew like i knew that i needed to be around him and his people. He knows how i have this passion burning inside me that has been dying to get out and its the spirit of God but i need the church and the church needs me. We were created to be around people as we glorify God. I can't do it alone. So I am rounding the corner ( one of many) in my race and as i press on to the future I might not have a job that pays me money but i do have a job from God and that is to Get involved in church. I have friends, true friends near and far.

Yeah i made some lousy choices in my life but those lousy choices led me to here and to a very promising future. I am looking forward to it and this time I pray i won't take my eyes off of God.

Also to my anymous friend; Thanks for your support. To know someone is there for me and i don't even know who it is helps. an email would be cool though ;).

People Pleasing

A friend of mine called me the other day and wanted to catch up on life since i moved back to indiana. I have talked to her twice since she contacted me but in both of our conversation these words came out of her mouth ".... make sure Dottie is careful who she tells that she is still talking to Melissa because some people won't agree...." . When she said it i instantly thought what does it matter what other people think. I am not worshiping them I am worshiping God and I only need to worrk about what He says and thinks. People might not agree but then again they don't know my entire story or what I talk to her about.

We are here to listen and do as God says not what people says.

Lessons I have been Learning

There is so much on my mind lately and alot in my heart as well. I need to try and get it out everyday but i can't seem to get to the computer to get it out so i settle to a journal which helps but I have been learning alot even though its all juggled in my head and in no order at all. I am learning about obedience and how that fits into Love. Love seems to be the main focus and Obedience is something God asks from us that love him. From the smallest things to the biggest things. When we are obedient to christ then that shows him that we trust him and until we completely trust him he can not work through us.
I know that i have a problem with trust. But it is more of what others might say if i do something that isn't normal.
I went to church on Sunday and we learned about abraham and issac. Now think about if God asked someone to sacrifice there first born son today. They would be put in a mental instituion and then be convicted of attempted murder. BUT If we truly know who we are in Christ then it doesn't matter what people think. Yeah we would be put in a mental hospital or in prison BUT we wouldn't disobeyed Christ and obeying him matters more then were we are or aren't put.
So i am slowly learning to trust God and get over my fears. I know that God is in control so it doesn't matter how i see the world or the problems.
I have put Melissa in God's hands and I know that whatever happens it will work out for the Good.

God's Will

Just finished reading a book that a friend suggested that I read. It is called Like Dandeloin Dust. Its suppose to be coming out as a movie. It was a really good book and I really enjoyed it. The one thing i took away from the book is God's will always plays out and happens. No matter how much we run from it and how much we hide. No matter what choices we make in life God will get what he wants at the end.
We are like little kids who don't want to take a nap and we kick and scream and run and hide. But our father is patient and doesn't get upset because He knows that we will soon take a nap and the longer we run and hide and kick and scream only hurts us because that mean it will take longer to get what we to wake up and play again.
He stays patient with us because He know at the end of the Day he get what he wants.

Update

Sorry I know i was suppose to blog yesterday but the computers were busy when i came to the library.

I read this book this past week and i learned how I am always wanting to help people. I don't like and have hard time buying stuff for myself. I learned that I don't feel wanted or loved if I don't "earn" it buy doing something for the person that says the love me. I guess its hard for me to just be loved just because. God simply loves me and love you. I am learning that alot. I am doing alot of reading so if anyone has a suggestion of a book for me to read let me know.

Also something i noticed with living with my dad is i still have that kid inside me that can't wait for daddy to get home. I have to hold back from running to the door when i see the car pull up. when he gets home i stop what i am doing just to hang out with him. :)

I didn't get the job i had a interview for but i know i need to trust in God he will lead the way.

Acceptance

Something that my dad has and is still trying to teach me is acceptance. There is somethings that are just hard to accept but all i can do is accept or change my situation. I can't change them. One thing i have a hard time with is when someone writes to me anomously. I don't like it cause i want to know who it is. I want to know who cares about me and who is thinking about me. The more I sit back and think about why i don't like it i realize very quickly that I don't feel enough without other people telling i am enough and that is something i have to work on. I am enough cause My God tells me i am enough and i don't need others telling it in order to believe it. So today i am going to put acceptance in pratice and accept the anomous comment i reacieved knowing that I have to be enough without the reward or i will never be enough with it. Thanks for the comment and the encouragement.

ask and you will recieve....

most likely not when you what it or how you want it but you will get it.

I remember when i would talk to a old friend and tell her how cool it would be if we had someone who would meet all of our basic needs so we could just minister to people for our life.

Well yesterday i was talking to my dad and he asked me if i wanted to move in with him. I thought about it for a couple seconds and said sure.

talked to my dad for a little bit about all the details and then went outside to play with all the kids on the block.

we were playing football. my mom came to pick me up and i thought about how i can really impact these kid's life with not only my words but my actions. they want to be loved and someone to play with them and they love it when adults play with them

so i get in my moms car and was thinking about all of this and got to thinking how my dad is going to pay me for watching my brother but it isn't really watching cause i love hanging out with him and i get to play with his friends.

maybe this is it. i get my basic needs met and i get to do Gods work. how cool

Pain

Sometime life sucks and no one seems to understand

This pain inside me hurts so bad and seems to linger on

I want it to go away but then again i dont

causes it the only thing i seem to have left of her

If i let it go then i let everything go and

I am just not ready

to completley let go of her

i dont want to say goodbye

completely goodbye.

Sitting here wanting my phone to ring

wanting to here your voice on the other end

miss you so much

Honestly Am I lying to mylself

When I look deep inside myself I wonder if I am lying to myself? I try to be strong and I try to do the right thing. I tell myself I am not in love with her along with everyone else. But I wonder if i really still do love her like that. I know there is something about us that we shed. Maybe its that i can see clearer now that i am out of the mess. I want to love God and keep God in my life and I pray that I never take him off of where He belongs but I miss her. I really do miss her. Its not about the sex or anything like that cause that dont even matter but i miss her holding me or me holding her. I miss her and her children. I miss her touch. I just miss her. Yeah she has downfalls but everyone tells her about those, what about her good in her. She really knows how to make people laugh, and she is a very great listener. People tell me to forget her and dig into God but I believe you get forget it but all you do is pushing it down inside you and covering it with God like he is a bandaid. I need to be honest and say I MISS HER. I know God can accept that about me. He is ok with me saying that cause that is how i feel and since HE knows that is how i TRULY feel its ok to be honest. so yes i am lying to myself i miss her and still do love her, Cause i know if i saw her right now i would leap for her arms and wouldn't want her to let me go.

it will be ok

Today, I am doing ok but not that great. I am neither up or down at the moment but just here. I have been thinking about alot of stuff and figured i would write it on here to get it out of my mind.

For some reason I am missing the touch of Melissa's hand on my face. When I was a sleep at times she would put her hand on my cheek. I never opened my eyes but i knew that she cared about me. Just so everyone knows i am not missing the romantic relationship i had with her, So when i speak like this Its not that I am still in love with her cause i am not. I miss her, i miss her friendship. I miss talking to her and having someone there to actually listen and actually get me and what i am say. She had a way of making a gray sky blue. When my world seem to be falling all around me she would tell me it would be ok and it was. See Melissa to me was more the a girlfriend it was more than that. She was a friend. Yeah there was bad moments there really was. I mean she is an addict and very ill so she would do whatever she can do to be ok but when she was ok she was the best person i ever knew. Her kids came first to her. Right now i just wish i could lay my head on her shoulder and just cry cause i miss her so fucking much.
I miss my friend, I miss the person that made me see i can be whatever I want to be, I miss her so much. I wish she would get clean and stay clean but being an addicted is such a hard thing to battle. I don't know from experience but living with her and seeing her sick everyday. I seen the pain in her eyes and to not be able to do anything to help her hurt me so bad. I just wanted her to be ok. I had to leave cause i couldnt handle seeing her hurt herself anymore. You know i just wish i could stop in and say hi or just give her a hug. But most of all i wish i could just feel her hand on my cheek letting me know that i will be ok.

Dear Lord, I just pray right now and thank you for giving the time with Melissa that you gave me. I know we lived in sin and I was wrong for that. I know that you have forgiven me. Lord you know my heart and you know that i miss her, and i worry for her. Lord I pray that you continue being with her and help her to see that lies that she has been told and led to believe. Lord help me continue to be strong and continue on with my life one day at a time.

if i loved HIM that much

Yesterday i got thinking about blogs and wonder if anyone even reads them or let alone writes on them anymore. I was going to write yesterday cause i had things to write out but then when i thought about that i was like whats the point if no one reads what i write. As the day progressed i went to my reader and deleting some blogs that i have no interest in. When i took a look back at the old stuff I realized things about me that back then that i was blind to. I wanted to be like a old friend. I wanted to read the stuff she read, so i started doing it. i wasn't interested in it and it didn't entertain me but that is what she did so I did it.

As i was looking through all my subscriptions i found one that a friend and I did together and i looked back at it and remembered the good times we had. I watched some videos that she had put on there and I even tried talking like this friend that i wanted to be like. I wanted to be just like her so I got into what she was into.

Later on in the day i was thinking about how much I loved Melissa. I would do anything for her. I was devoted to her and would do whatever she asked. If she needed cigerettes or wanted something to eat at 3 in the morning then I would wake up and walk to go get it. I even went as far as dropping my morals for her.

I wanted to be like a friend that i started doing what she did and i loved someone so much that i gave them my heart and my life.

Wonder if I wanted to be like Jesus that I stareted doing what he did and if I loved him so much that i gave him my heart and my life. Wonder if i devoted as much devotion as i devoted to these two people how far would i get? How happy and joyful would i be? If i loved God so much that i would get up at 3 in the morining to spend time with him, If i spent so much time with him that i started talking like him or acting like him. I bet i would have got it right this time.

All i can do is pray

I am working on leaving the past in the past and it is hard for me to do. Its got a grip on me and it a huge grip. I know with time I will be ok but while i am in the midst of this I chose to sit and read my bible. At the moment I am reading in psalms. I am on the first psalms and it says that the way of the wicked will perish. As I read that I thought about Melissa and how she can be going in the way of the wicked. She is so entangled in money. She wants money all the time. That is why it makes it somewhat easy for me to want to let go. But to know that someone that can be so much chooses to be less that bothers me. I am sure that it bothered some when I was doing the same thing. I have to learn that God wins and I just have to trust in him. I just hurt for her when I read that cause I know she can be so much. I just pray that God shows her and she listens before its too late. I pray that one day her and I can be true friends and this time we are working together for God's kingdom. Until then all i can do is pray and trust God.

I just want to forget about her and then

I don't. I want to be with her. i want her to love me. I want it to be real I just want us to be together. I really love her and I want her to love me back. I wish it could be but since it can't. I just don't want to think about her and i just can't get her out of my head.

She calls me and asks me for money. I wish she would actually care about me for me and not she want from me. What am i wanting from her. What am i craving from her. Why can't i just say forget her. Why do i feel bad if i don't send her money.

I want to be her friend but i just can't. she pisses me off and upsets me. She still runs me and I hate it. I want to let her completely go but i just can't. I feel like she has taken over my heart and my soul and i just can't let her go. I want to write her and let her know how she has hurt me and what she has done to me. I want her to know how I feel but then i wonder if she will even read it and if she knows whats it really going to do. its not like we can ever be together.

I just can't wait til the day where i don't hurt anymore. o what a glorious day that will be.

Just some thoughts

When I think about Melissa I think about someone that has been hurt badly and had

LOVE

Love is something that i crave. I want to be loved and i want to love. I wonder if love can be a downfall or if you can love to much. I have been thinking about love and wonder if what i am really craving is even really love at all. I crave attention and love it when someone is paying attention to me. I love it when i am being praised and accepted but don't we all like it. If i am giving someone attention and praising them am I loving them.

Here is the deal I miss Melissa cause she showed me attention and praised me and spent time with me. I like that and i miss it. I miss talking to her and when she calls me or i call her i dont want to hang up the phone cause i crave all of that. I just want someone to listen to me and she did that. But then I think about how i write her letters and all she wants from me is money. She is always asking about if i will send her money. I don't like that but its like i am paying for her to be my friend. I don't like to think about it like that but when i do it makes me not even want to speak to her. I want someone who really cares about me and wants to listen to me. But i don't or can't let her go to the point of stop talking to her completely.

I don't know maybe i just want her to know that she can do better then what she is doing and that money isn't everything . I am not quite sure why i am still talking to her and at times craving her company but I am and I do know that I desperatly want her to know that she is loved but i think i need to realize that i am loved also and i can force her to realize it.

ALL i can do is pray for her

Three step forward one step back

Three steps forward one step back. Thats how I see my life. I think everything is good and going well and then BAM!!! it hits me like a brick and instantly i start missing her and her children. I start missing the talks we had and the fun we had. I miss the good times. It makes me want to go back to Florida. My family doesn't help much when i feel like I am just in the way and they would be happier if i wasn't here. I know my nieces and nephews love having me around but sometimes i just want to give up and leave again.
Thats the one step back but the three steps forward is when i am focused on God. When i focus on him i feel unstopable and no one can stop me. I still miss them but I can handle it better. I just want to feel loved and i know that she loves me or what i choose to believe anyways. Not in a romantic way but in a pure way. Anyhow when i look at her or think about her I learned through my sin and God loves me and he shows me everyday maybe that is why i can handle being at home. When God was telling me to go home I fought with him for a long time and still wonder why he brought me back to this place cause i don't like being here and don't want to e here. I do however want to be obedient to God cause one thing i do know is he is the only one i can trust and He is the onle one that i know will never fail me.
i know i have a long way to go and I know i will have the one step back but I also know with the lord i will continue to get stronger. I have come to accept the truth. The truth about who I am and the truth about God. I love Melissa I truly so. Some days i still long for that intimacy with her but I also know that it is just a twisted way of getting what God has in store for me. I know one day that will go away and the pure friendship love with still be there.

The best Relationship

Its been almost a month since I have been home and I am still learning more and more about my God. One thing that I am learning is to completely focus on him and when i focus on him everything else will fall into place. I was talking to my sister the other day and was telling her how a relationship with Jesus is just like any other relationship. She said she didn't want to go to church cause she would feel like a hypocrite. I told her that she isn't a hypocrite because of that. I explained to her how her and I are sisters and we have a relationship. I told her that she would still come to my house even though i don't smoke, she just wouldn't smoke while she was there. Its the same way at God's house. God doesn't want you to stop coming to his house even if you are sinning. He still loves you and wants you to know that a relationship with him is what you have been looking for.

I understand that thought of feeling guilty when you are living in sin and so you don't want to go to church but I tell you to go and don't feel guilty because just like relationships with people there isn't a rule and regulations you must follow to be Jesus' friend. When you become Jesus' friend. the more you hang with him the more you become like him. You change and you don't even know your changing. Its just like when I chose to date Melissa. I started changing slowly and didn't even know it. First I changed on the inside the it became visible on the outside and the it was evident in my everyday life. I noticed me being grouchy and upset all the time. the kids would call me grouch. The people we hang out with change us is some way.

When we hang out with Jesus he changes us and the more we hang out with him the more he changes us. So don't worry about the "rules and regulations" people put on you or me but just focus on a relationship with Jesus and live in the relationship just like you would with your mother or father or your brother or sister. Just know that your relationship with Jesus will be the BEST relationship you will ever have!!!

WOW!!!!

In the Beginning God created the heavens and the earth. HOW Amazing!!!!!!! He created the heavens and the EARTH!!!!

My trash, God's treasure

In my last post ( which was last year) i wrote about how i want to be the old Dottie. I remember writing that cause after I wrote that blog i went home and wrote a prayer to God about how i want to have my faith back.

For the last two years i have been living in sin. I knew it was wrong before i made the commitment but still went ahead with it. At first it was fun. I felt like i have finally found the real me and i felt so free and loved. For the first time in my life i felt like i was on top of the world. I said yes to dating a girl who i grew to love( or so i thoutht) as my wife. The first month was great. Then things start going downhill and they never again went uphill. I hung in there through everything thinking it would get better but it never did. I found out things about her that i didn't like but i was already trapped in the lie of satan. There were so many times I would be fed up with her and my life and would leave only to miss her and go back to it.

I knew that I truly did care about her and loved her the way Christ loved her but i also was "in love" with her and they mushed together where i couldn't see the difference. I hated things she did but i was her enableler and allowed it to happen. I didn't want to lose her so i would put up with everything. I started getting bitter and angry with her for hurting me. I just shoved it down inside me.

I lost everything and still hung around all because i was so desperate to have that love and know that i was loved.

We both cared about each other but we were living in sin and because we are children of God it wasn't setting well with us. She was tired and I was tired. She decided she was going to change and one thing was breaking up with me. I was devastated. i stuck with her for two years and now she was going to break up with me. I was hurt at first cause the love i was trying to get was no longer possible ( or so i thought) .

What really was happening was God was answering my prayer. He was bringing back the old Dottie. I starting realizing that God loves me and he wants me to have a better life. He created me and knows that Dottie isn't full of anger and bitterness but full of love joy and fun. I started realizing that man can not give me what i am looking for. People can tell me that but God will show you.

I starting seeing love come back in my life and true Godly love for her. I decided to move home and we are still friends and talk daily. we keep encouraging each other to focus of what is above.