Brainwashed

As I have been reading books, talking to people I have come to think about how brainwashed humans are. It is just so fascinating how we are so messed up because of the fall that we can't even comprehend what truth is.

We are costantly questioning God and after he reveals the answer we still aren't sure if that is him or satan. This past couple weeks I have been able to get a sense of how screwed up we are which has given me so much more thankfulness for Jesus.

We as messed up people are tryin to mentor or minister to other people and it just starts the ball rolling. We will never get out of this cycle we will just keep spinning and spinning into these lies that we have been told since we were young.

I have came to realize how people can get so mixed up in there thoughts that they don't know what is true and what is not.

Personally I have people, all who care for me (or at least I chose to believe they do) giving me advice on what i should do with my life. Some agree with me and some don't. This is where i try to see what God wants and I don't know what he wants.

Life song

I just learned how to put videos on my blog so I am redoing this and putting the video on my blog:)

This is my life song at the moment in my life

Hard Questions

I am not one to ask hard questions. I don't really know why? I just don't like answering them i guess. There are other people out there that don't mind them. They ask them and wrestle with them. I can't do that. I think another reason is because i already know that answer to them and i don't want to hear it.

Today i had some hard questions asked to me. They keep going through my mind and i have decided to face them and wrestle with them . I think it is time to admit the truth to myself and move forward with it. It has been a hard day for me. I am asking myself these questions and as I wrestle through them I am going to seek the answer whether i want to or not. it will be hard but its time that i do face it.

thoughts

Have you ever done something that sorry could not make better? Its so weird to me but i was thinking how we think the word sorry will make our wrongs disappear and make the pain leave the person that you hurt. Last week I hurt the one person in my life that truly meant something to me. I want to make things better and I want for them to stop hurting. I didn't want to hurt them but I wasn't thinking of them at the time. Instead I was thinking of myself. After i told them the truth all i could think of saying was "I am sorry" but that didn't help this time. "Sorry" was just another word to them and it didn't make their pain go away.

These last couple of days i have come to learn that i am starting to care more about them as a person then the friendship that I hid behind. I have lost alot of credit for what i did and i deserve it. It hurts that i don't get to be in there life and all my trust is gone and "sorry" isn't going to make it better. i have been doing alot of thinking about this and this has shown me how my actions do affect others and how thinking before acting does one good.

today i decided that i didn't really want to talk to anyone and so i didn't. At least when i don't talk i don't do something i will later regret. My mom told me that one day my mouth would get me into trouble but i never expected it would be like this.

No Way Out

Everywhere I turn, I hurt someone

But there’s nothing I can say to change the things I’ve done

I’d do anything within my power, I’d give everything I’ve got

But the path I seek is hidden from me now

Friend, I let you down

You trusted me, believed in me,

And I let you down

Of all the things I hid from you,

I cannot hide the shame.

And I pray someone... something will come,

To take away the pain.

There’s no way out of this dark place,

No hope, no future.

I know I can’t be free,

But I can’t see another way,

I can’t face another day.

This is one of my favorite songs from Brother Bear. I never thought i would be able to apply it to my life.

questions

" Is the Creator a Lamb or a Lion"?

"Some would say that the Creator is a lamb. Some would say he's a lion. Some would say both. The fact is, he is neither a lamb nor a lion. These are fiction. Metaphors. Yet the Creator is both a lamb and a lion. These are both truths."

"Neither changes the Creator, only the way we look at him."


" How is it that God can allow evil to exist?"

"Because evil provides his creation with a choice and without it, there could be no love."

"Love is dependent on evil?"

"Did I say that? How can there be love without a true choice? Would you suggest that man be stripped of the capacity to love?

This was the Great Romance. To love at any cost.

These were in a book I am reading and they caught my eye and wanted to blog about them.

Lesson from the Buttercreamers

Last night i was laying in bed thinking about life and friendships. I like to think about the past the how things were back then. I know we all change and things will never be like that again but it makes me smile when i can't smile now. Anyways as i was thinking i remembered a movie i watched when i was younger called the buttercream gang. It came to my mind because there is a part in there where Scott challenges his friend Pete to hang out with him for one day and have fun just like they did before things changed.
I woke up this morning and watched a couple clips on youtube because i wanted to see that particular clip but i couldn't find it but i found another clip where the dad tells Scott that he just simply needs to love Pete right where he is at.
I started to think about that and realize that i need to do the same. I want things to be better in my life and i want people to change for the better. but i need to accept them for who the are and love them no matter what. Now that doesn't mean that i let them walk all over me and get away with things but it does mean that I need to see that they too are human and that they too go through rough times in life. I need to understand and realize that people are going through things that i might not even know about. I just need to Love them right where they are at and know that Love wins out in the end.
Now how do i love? that i don't know. I am sure i can start with prayer then move from there. Maybe i can show love just by accepting there wishes. I could show love by being patient with them. So i will keep looking further into this but i know that i just need to love them. Its a good reminder for me.

What I Have Learned

I finally finished my bible study. I was going to finish it yesterday but i just wasn't in the mood so i relaxed and thought about things. I got up this morning and finished it and this is what i came to learn through it.

• God commands us not to lie ( Lev 19:11) -There is a reason that He commmands us not to lie, He wants the best for us and he knows what lying can do to relationships.
• However we are all Liars (Rom 3:4)- We have all lied and sin. it only takes one lie to become a liar and one sin to become a sinner
• We need to confess and repent. ( 1 John 1:9)
• Jesus also tells us to forgive our brother (Mat 18:21-35) - I am still wondering what forgiving looks like because i have seen it played out in many ways. Maybe i will do a study on that some day.
• Friends love at all time ( Proverbs 17:17)

With this i need to realize that i not only wronged a friend but i also wronged God. I need to confess and repent and change from my wrongdoing. It is not up to me to change the heart or thoughts of other people and i can't keep begging them to give me a second chance. What is done is done i did what i needed to do and know all i can do is wait and love and accept others where they are at. The biggest thing that has come out of this is that i have become so thankful that i am in the hands of God and not of humans because humans are harsh.

Here are some verses that really stuck out to me as i was studying, Some of them was hard for me to face but others i was again glad that God loeves me as much as he does.

• Proverb 18:24
• Proverbs 19:5
• Proverbs 19:22
• Proverbs 12:17
• Psalms 34:12-14
• Romans 1:25
• Col 3:9
• Proverbs 27:10
• Proverbs 27:6

God will always come through and God can mend things that seem beyond repair so I am giving this to God and trusting him to do as he wills

Bible study

I have been looking up scripture dealing with lying and telling the truth. I haven't even read through most of them and i am quickly seeing Why it is one of the ten commandments. When we lie to people we think that it won't hurt anyone. that it just a simple little lie just so we can save ourself. (With me it was because i was scared that my friend would get mad at me and not want to be my friend anymore. ) Ever since i confessed to my friend what i had done i have been thinking about all the little simple lies that i said to protect myself. I can see how each one slowly has been burning away are friendship. To us in the moment they seem like something that isn't going to harm anything until the truth comes out and then those little sparks of lies turn into one big giant fire that only God will be able to put out. Its all i have been thinking about.
You can lose alot of things and be ok but once you lose trust it is almost impossible to gain it back. I have thought over and over how can i prove that i can be trustworthy again. How can i show people that i care about that i am an honest person and that i am done lying. How can someone gain trust once they lost it. So far all i can find is to keep praying, stay trustworthy, and be patient. It isn't going to happen over night but if God wants it to be then it will be. I keep thinking about how me lying has caught me to hurt and i am sure the person that gets lied to hurts so much more . Well i am going to continue on to doing this study maybe i will learn so much more then i already have

Romans

I read all of Romans today. There was a passage in Romans that really stuck out to me and it probably true for most people. I know that it is a well known passage but it never hit me like it did today when i read it

We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

As i read this i thought to myself how true it was. I just emailed a friend the other day and pretty much told her this exact same thing. I am so tired of sinning and yet i keep on sinning. I want to do good but i don't. It is very frustrating to me and angers me at time. I hurt people that i care about because of my own selfish desires. I hurt myself because of my own selfish desires. I just don't get it but i realize how powerful sin is and it isn't something to play around with. I also realized just how strong we have to be to beat sin. I won't give up though because I know who lives in me and who loves me and one day i will do what i was and not what i want.

Confession

Have you ever confessed to someone that you wronged them? How does it feel afterwards? I did something wrong this past week and it has been eating me alive. I haven't been the same person. I was distant from this person. All week i just wanted to avoid them cause i knew i wronged them. I wrestled with it because what i did was out of my character to do and i never thought i would do this.

As the week progressed i tried to push in behind me and not focus on it but every time i went to read my bible or do my study there it was staring me in the face. I would push it away and try to keep reading telling myself it will be ok i will forget all about it.

Today as i was reading i couldn't get past it. I couldn't let it go. I had to get it off my chest and i had to confess. So i did. By confessing off came the mask. when i confessed i also lied because i was asked before if i ever had done it and i said no. By confessing i admitted that i had wronged them and i lied to them.

They are already past it and over it but i am not because I hurt them and i don't like hurting my friends. i know that i am forgiven and i feel a lot lighter but I don't like what i did.

Remember that blog that i posted about how hard it would be to live for a year without lying well it is because i failed that to.

Alone

" We are all alone, every single one of us. We are all alone" -Paul Ryan.

I was watching a show today and one of the characters on there said this quote and as he said it, it hit me hard because it is so true. We go through life wanting people to be a part of our life and wanting to be apart of their lives. We try so hard to show people that we truly care for them. We want to belong to something and be accepted by someone. We want to accept others.

BUT

When things happen that are too hard or we aren't passionate about or when we are getting from people what we want. When times get hard we leave, we abandoned each other. We are so scared of what might happen if we let down our guard and let some one in. What would happen if someone truly accepted me. If i truly belonged. Because of that fear we sit outside of relationships. We sit alone. Every single one of us sit outside alone.

My little bro

The other day i talked to my mom and she told me that my brother was sent off to prison. He has been in the county jail for a while now and they called his number so it was his turn to get sent away. When i heard my moms voice, i knew that she wasn't taking it very well. Ever since then he has been on my mind and my heart. Bad things happen in prison and i don't want my brother to be experiencing that stuff. I agree he needed a wake up call but i wouldn't want any one to have to go through some things that happen in prison.

I know that some people might say that he deserves all of it but thinking back on our childhood all i can say is that I am a very lucky child to end up the way that i did. My family wasn't horrible but I can totally see how he would have chosen that road.

Growing up with a twin brother and having everyone tell you how great you are and giving him a big head. Putting expectations on him that he didn't want or couldn't achieve. While all he really wanted was a relationship with his dad. He wanted to be accepted the way he was and his friends would do that.

Seeiing his mom and other siblings smoking pot and being told that it was the "cool" thing to do. later on in life seeing how much money one can make by selling drugs. Listening to his dad always talking about money. My brother isn't a dumb kid. He listens to all of these things around him and puts two and two together thinking it will buy him accpetance and love and all it does is gets him further away from his dad and eventually lands him in jail.

Watching my brother go in a downward spiral after i had my eyes opened up by a friends i realize i was just as guilty as the rest of my family. I miss my brother alot and i have realized how the thing i say to him might seem to go through one ear and out the other but i also know that there are somethings that stick with him and i hope one of those things is God.

I ask that while he is in prison and only 19 years old that God will protect him and that he will learn how he can become a better man and a better father for his children.

Things I have been learning

I have been doing a bible study/devotional the last three days and I have been learning alot from it. It has been teaching me how I need to get to know my creator. Lately I have been frustrated with myself because I don't spend quality time with God. I have these Godly desires inside of me that I think would be awesome to do but instead I run after my selfish desires. I was talking to a friend the other day and she was telling me how i need to take intiative and do something about it. So i decided to do just that. I decided that I would start on Monday and do my lesson. Ashley helped me out by advising that I pick a set time to do it so I chose 8pm. So far I have been doing pretty well. Something that I have been taking away from each lesson is that I need to seek Christ daily. Everyday when I wake up I just lay in bed for a while and spend time with God. It is so relaxing to me. I then read my bible and read for a little bit. By just taking it day my day I have seen a difference in me and I like it.
Something I learned tonight is that sometimes I just need to just stand there. So many people want us to do something and so we are always on the go. God just wants us to stand there and develop a relationship with him. It is amazing to know that you are in God's presence. This moring as I was spending time with God it was like I just knew he was in this room with me. It felt so relaxing and I was at peace.
So i am just taking one day at a time and seeking Him daily

Mom Vs. Dad

The past couple of days all I have been watching movies and i sit here and cough up a storm. While watching the movies i have noticed when i see a father and a child i tear up and become emotional but when i see a mom and a child it doesn't effect me at all. I wonder why that is. I grew up with my mom. My dad wasn't really in my life until a couple of years ago but i would say i have a better relationship with my dad then i do my mom ( meaning i can be more open with him then with her). i just don't get why i have such a soft spot for dad's to be in children's lives then i do for moms. They should both be a big part of there child's life but growing up without my dad i have realized how much i missed out on life and charteristic that could be instilled in me. just something i realized and thought i would post on it.

Coughing

The last couple of nights I have been hacking up a lung. It is the weirdest thing ever but other coughing i feel fine. By me coughing it is making my chest and stomach muscles hurt and keeping me and others awake. I bought some medicine yesterday and I am not sure if that is helping. During the night I find myself laying here just praying to God to take this cough away from me. I just wish I would get better and I know others would to

would you be any different

I am reading a book called " Just like Jesus". A friend of mine told me that i have to read it and then we have to talk about it. So i told him ok and now i am reading it and trying to get it finished before i move to Virgina in a couple of days. I just finished reading a chapter on lying.
This Chapter really intrigued me because I saw how different Jesus was because he couldn't lie. People always told me that God couldn't lie and I alway disagreed with that statement. I was more along the lines that he could but chose not to. Lucado put it in better perspective for me that made me to think about how different our lives would be if we couldn't lie. How would my life be different if i wasn't allowed to lie. If you think through this long enough people's lives would be so much better and familes would be better If we weren't allow to lie. I am not a huge liar but when i do lie it is usually because i am trying to hide something i don't want others to know ( isn't that the reason most of us lie). If we couldn't lie to each other and we knew we had to be honest that would keep us from doing or say or being apart of stuff that we don't want people to know. This really struck me today of how better of a person one can be just by choosing to something small like not lying. given i don't have a lying problem but i do say that the times that i have lied have really done alot of damage in my life. how would your life be different if you weren't allowed to lie