The Great 2008 Roller Coaster

I was thinking the other day about Janurary of 2008.

I was sitting in an old friend's bedroom writing a post on 2008 and the experiences we were about to face. At that time I was a couple of minutes away from moving to Virginia. As i was writing about what 2008 was about to bring I never thought i would have experienced the UPs and Downs and the turns and twists that 2008 has brought me. I have been down some dark valleys and up on some high mountains. I have experienced true love and true pain. I have experienced what bondage is and what freedom.

This year is the year that will stick with me Forever. It is a stepping stone in my life. I have truly let go of things that i thought would be with me forever and i have gained things that i never thought i would gain.

I have found love in the most uninexpecting places.

2008 What a year!
What a roller coaster!

Love is.....

For a while now i have been trying to figure out what love really is and how do we do it. I looked in 1 Corin. 13 and it tells be what love is but it doesn't really tell me how to apply it. I emailed a friend and he said something to the effect of love is giving and refered to John 3:16 and how God gave his son...

But I think Rob Bell explains it the best.

" Love is handing your heart to someone and taking the risk that they will hand it back because the don't want it."

" Love is a giving away of power"

"Love is a giving away"

"Love is giving up control"

Love is the biggest risk anyone can take.

Think about how God loves us therefore is gives us power to choose wheather we want to love him or not to love him. In the movie Bruce Almighty "God" tells bruce that he has power to do whatever he wants but he can not make someone love him.

Love is a risk and we can't force anyone to love us back all we can do is choose to love that person and let them choose what they want to do with it.

When we choose to give them the power to choose how they will respond we are taking a risk.

It is a big risk and God made it that way and he took that risk.

Why?

Because He knows what happens when we take that risks and the other person accepts it. Love is powerful and it conquers all.

Will you take that risk?

Apologies, Abortions and more

Have you ever gotten to the point where you feel like you Apologize so much that it doesn't seem to be enough anymore? No matter how much you mean it you still feel like you need to do something else to show just how much you mean it. I have been thinking about this recently. The same thing with "thank you". When i say that i am sorry for something I really am sorry for it. When i say thank you i really am thankful but lately it just seems to me that i need to do something more to show that i am truly sorry or how thankful i am. For me the words don't seem to cut it anymore. I just don't know what else i can add to it. People can't see the inside to see the depth of what i mean it when i say those words.

Today while I was at work I was talking to a co-worker and she was telling me how she felt sick and felt like she was going to throw up. She then told me how she hopes that she isn't pregnant. I asked her what she would do if she was pregnant and without a blink she said bye bye. With cnfusion i asked who would be bye bye her or the baby and she said "the baby, I would rather get rid of the baby then me." I didn't know what to say and I know at the point of time it was better not to say anything because it wouldn't came out like i wanted it to and it really did something to the inside of me. I was disgusted i really was. After my walk home and thinking about it I realized that the most powerful thing i can to is pray and give it to God.

Which leads me to the "more" part of this post. I am learning what exactly love is. What does it look like, How do we live it out? Is it ever painful to love? How do we know when we truly grasp it and have it down to where is naturally flows from us. I really want to love people. People that are close to me and people that I don't even know. I just want to love and I want everything i say i do to be said and done in love. I have been looking at how it is in the bible but i seem to be having a hard time truly understanding it and putting it into action.

God's gift

I have always believed that friends are a gift from God. I still do and always will. All friends are gifts and just like gifts we give to one another God gives us special gifts, gifts that are priceless. Not everyone is blessed with a friendship of gold. For some reason God blessed me with a friendship of Gold and I do not take it for granted. I use to thinking that i could do anything and she will always be there but God taught me a lesson.



Anyways, I am very thankful for this friendship and i thank God every night, even in the times i am mad and can't talk to God i make sure i thank him for giving me this friend because I know that it is a gift and a very special gift.



Don't take God's gifts for granted. There are people that come in and out of your life everyday and one of them could be a gift from God. If you are to wrapped up in other things you will miss it.

Prayer Request

I have been spending more and more time with God recently and I am starting to pray for others. Anyone from my enemies to my friends to a random person i see walking on the street. It is really cool to be praying for others. I thought i would invite people to send me prayer request so that i can be praying you also. You can give me as much or as little detail as you would like. If you just want to say hey i can use some prayer or you want to give me a book on details that is up to you. I just would love to pray for you whether i know you or not. I have seen God do amazing work in my prayer life. So if you read this and want prayer leave a comment and i will surley be praying for you.

One step forward ......

You know the saying one step forward and two steps back? Well I see that played out in alot ofp people's life, even mine. Recently its been more like one step forward turn around a walk back cause i have been really sliding. I got to a point where i couldn't look at the bible without gettng mad. I would try and pray and i couldn't do it cause of the sin i was living in. This past Monday I broke. I couldn't handle it any more and I broke. Now i am back in God's prescence and i don't ever want to leave him. I can feel a difference in me. i am working hard not to go down any of my " red zones" and continuely reading the bible. I am learning how the flesh is a very strong thing to over come and everday is a battle that we can not grow lazy one. I am realizing that God uses me even though i might not see it. I need to continuely be on guard and keep the flesh from rising up because i don't ever want to go back to where i was.

Now for me, my saying is one step at a time one foot in front of the other and never look back.

How about you? I encourage you to join me and keep on moving one step at a time.

Instant gratification

Have you ever had a time where someone was talking and they said something and things just clicked? Well that happened to me the other day. I was in a converstion with some people and this guy was talking and I don't even rememember what he was talking about but he mentioned the words Instant gratification and things inside me just started clicking together and I realized that I am a person that wants instant gratification. I can see it all over in my life. In my finances, my relationships, personal life, spiritual life. There is so many things I do just to instantly satisfy and want that i have.

Ever since this time I am able to say no to more and more things cause I am realizing that I will be ok without that want. Realizing this is helping me in so many areas of my life. It is just so unbelievable what simple little things can do.

A life time

What is life time? We are born, live a while, then die. This is a quote or the essence of a quote I heard off of a movie I eatched tonight. After it was quited I started to think about the middle part of it. We live a while. What are we doing while we live. Everyone is born and everyone dies but not everyone truly lives. We have one lifetime to live, to truly life, to fulfill a purpose. We have one lifetime to find our purpose and fulfill it. We have one lifetime to truly live life. I am starting to see the difference between living and truly living. In the last couple of weeks I have started to get such a passion burning inside me that i haven't had for really long time. I am starting to get my excitment back and i am starting to come alive and to truly live. I encourage you to do the same.

Kaylee Jade

I know the picture is a little blury but this is my new Niece!!! Welcome to the world Kaylee Jade!!

As I lay in the woods....

I was at a bible study tonight and i was listening to a homeless guy talk about his experience of homelessness. It was amazing!!! He has been homeless for a couple of weeks now and he was telling us about how he lost his job and didn't have any money and had to go to the woods.

He went on to say "As I lay in the woods and look up in the sky I prayed to God and asked him to take care of him" As I was listening to him he really made my passion for these people become more real. It also helped me see how blessed I am. I have a roof over my head and i am not sleeping on the ground outside with animals and bugs but i am in a house with a bed and air conditioning. I am in a "safe" place. I have walls and doors that protect me. It really gave me my passion back and helped me see that i do have a purpose down here and I am starting to see what it is.

Womanhood

Last week as I was on a plane to Florida I had a thought go through my mind about women and how precious they are. At first it was just a thought but the more i thought about it I started seeing how precious women are.

I have been continuing to think on this thought for a while now. For a long time I saw women as weak and below men. Because of this view i had of women I viewed men differently also.

This whole idea came from observing my nieces. Both of them are girly girls and they can't get dirty at all. Kyndra is the oldest of the two and her favorite songs is Stealing Cinderella by Chad Wicks. Everytime that the song comes on she just starts singing it. As I sat and listened to her the other day I started thinking about how precious she was to me which led me to think about women in genral.

Women aren't weak but they are precious. It is awesome how God is starting to show me this about myself and I am very honored and lucky to be a women. God does know what he is doing.

What do you want to have mattered?

"Sometimes when you are young you think nothing can hurt you its like being invisible. Your whole life is ahead of you and you have big plans. To find your perfect match, the one that completes you or the thing that completes you. But as you get older you realize its not always that easy.Its not until the end of your life where you realize the plans you made are simply plans. But then at the end when you are looking back instead of forward you want to believe you left something behind that is good. You want it all to have mattered"

At the end of one tree hill Lucas always says something. Tonight i was fortune enough to get what he said ( i think i missed a word or two).

As i was reading this again I started to think about this quote and how much i want my life to count. I want it to matter. I think about things i have done that isn't good. I think about it and realize that the time i have wasted for selfish pleasures that i could have used for good, use to encourage someone or to serve in some way but instead i used it to please myself. I want my life to matter. It isn't as easy as it looks but when i look back on my life or others look back i want people to be able to say that i fought hard to do what was good. i might have not always succeeded but i didn't give up easily.

How will it work out?

Today i am going to go search for jobs. I don't know if i will find any or not but i know that i plan on hitting every place in this town today. i am going to make a list of all my jobs and references and i am going to sit down and fill them in and turn them in and go to the next place. My plan is to do that all day today. As i was in the shower this morning i started thinking about how god might be teaching me humblness cause i don't want to work at a fast food resturaunt. i have a college degree for crying out loud I am better then that but then i started thinking about how i could see having me work at the exact place i don't want to work just to teach me a lesson. but as my friend says any job is better then no job. so lets see what happens.

Acceptance

I have been realizing how i have a hard time with acceptence. This quote is from The Big Book which is a book that people in AA read. It is my dad's life quote and I thought it was time to make it mine cause i have a hard time with acceptance. I wrestle with so many layers of it.


"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation-some fact of my life -unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake."

One tree hill lesson

Tonights episode had alot of different things that i came away with...

1. Everyone deserves a second chances.
Jamie is wondering why people keep getting mad at his grandpa dan. Given Dan shot his brother but he did turn himself in and i think he deserves a second chance and am hoping that he gets one.

2. Sometimes it good to be scared
Brooke gets to help kids from other countries that need some medical care. she is so excited but at the same time she is scared cause she doesn't know what she is getting herself in to . i have thought about how there are times that i am scared when big responsibilties come up in my life but it just goes to show that i need God to lean on.

3. The word Forever tends to scare some people

Brookes boyfriend O doesn't like the idea of a kid being a part of his and her's life so he decided not to come over to talk with brooke. A good friend tells her how forever sometimes scares people. I think sometimes we can image how long forever is.

4 Start doing what you enjoy.

Nathan and Haley have been told that they need to start doing what they enjoy so Haley is pursuing her music career and Nathan is going to start working on basketball again. I think that we need to do the stuff we enjoy was it is such a gift from God.

I really like watching this show cause i always walk away with something.

I can ... But you can't....

Have you ever noticed how many things that you do but then you don't like when someone else does it. I have noticed myself doing this alot lately so i thought i would list some.

I can live in sin but you can't
I can say no but you can't
I can decide not to grow to a better person but you can't
I can be selfish but you can't
I can not pay attention to you but you can't
I can be a hypocrit but you can't
I can climb up a slide the wrong way but you can't
I can yell at my nephew but you can't

I have noticed that I get mad or upset of frustrated or some other emotion when I see others doing doing one of these but when i look back at my pass and see when i did the same thing the first thing that wants to come out of my mouth is " THATS DIFFERENT" or some other excuse. But in all reality it isn't any different. alot of these things that i wrote are not good things and its not ok for anyone.

This is something that God has really been convicting me. I don't like being a hypocrit and ever since i had a disscussion with a good friend of mine all i notice is how hypocritical i am. I have seen alot of areas in my life that i need to change and realize if its not ok for you then its not ok for me.

If i don't like you living in sin then i should live in sin
If i want you to continue to grow to a better person then i should be growing into a better person
If i want you to pay attention then i should pay attention
If i don't like hypocrits then i shouldn't be one
If i don't want you to climb up a slide the wrong way then i shouldn't do it
If i don't like you yelling at my nephew then i shouldn't yell at him.

its just that simple.

quote

Find whatever that hangup is in your life preventing you from articulating the call of God on your life and overcome that hurdle. God has a plan for your life to change the world but it will only happen when you come to grips with it and begin moving forward."

My Wish

" think of a wish.. You have it? ... Now believe in it with all your heart and never let it go"

Have i said i love one tree hill? Because i do. I always walk away with something. Tonight i walked away with this quote. Has i was listening to the end of it i started thinking about what wish i would make. This might be messed up but this is what i thought of....

I thought about a friend of my and how i wish that she would get an undeserved blessing poured on her from God. I thought about how awesome it would me for my friend to get her dream job and how she would see God's hand at work even we she doesn't deserve it. I wish that my friend would get the job that she wants so bad.

You might ask why do i wish that?

This is why... cause my friend is one in a million. she is like no other and she is amazing when it comes to ministry. she can be down and you start talking to her about ministry you can see her start to light up. She belongs in ministry and I know its her calling in life. When you see her at work in a ministry setting she is on fire and there is no amount of water that will put her out. So my wish that i am going to belive in with all my heart and NEVER let go is to see my friend impact the world in a mighty way through ministry.

and i can't wait to see it happen.

I finally am realizing

I have been thinking alot about friends and who my friends really are. A couple of weeks ago I was going through some questions that i had and one of them was something about my friends. I was dialouging with a friend about the things that i want in a friend and just pretty much making it more complex then it had to be. I finally decided to take the simple route and say I will just stop making it so complex and just see where life takes me. So that is what i have been doing. i stopped doing alot of the pursuing and decided to just let them pursue me and if they pursue i just might pursue back.

This past week has been one of the most frustrating weeks in my life because i have seen with my own eyes how the group of my friends had selfish motives. yeah i know i am selfish and i am probably being just as selfish in this blog. But i thought these friends would like to know how i am doing, i figured after calling every saturday i would finally get a call back or a reply to my email. I thought my friends would encourge me in tough times or ask me the hard questions that i need to be ask. when i ask them those questions they tell me that is not what they want from me. Then they want to try and change my plans with other friends so they can have there time.

I am tired of it. i pursue and pursue and i get nothing back. i stop pursuing then they wonder why.

When i look at what a true friend is i see someone that truly cares and challenges. Someone that isn't afraid to ask the hard questions and is afraid to speak the truth. I see someone that cares more about me as a person then the friendship we have. i see someone that give to me as much as they take. I see someone that can be going through a hard time but the friendship is not threatened. If it wasn't for this friend that i am talking about i wouldn't have grown and been challenged, I wouldn't have been able to step up and be the friend to her like she has been to me.

For a long time i cared more about the friendships then the people. When i moved back up here i decided to change that and there are times that i still slip back into wanting the friendship more the wanting the health of the person. But i eventually get an eye opener and snap out of it.

I am not saying that you have to be perfect. We all mess up even me i am just saying that looking at all the people i call friends i am not realizing that some of them aren't as much of friends as i realize.

Gender goes deeper then our parts

I saw a little bit of Oprah today. It was about a man who is pregnant. While i was standing in the living room watching it he said that he doesn't believe that it is neither a man or women desire to be pregnant but a human desire. After asking my mom a couple question to catch me up on what is going on i come to find out the this guy was a girl and got a sex change and now has a desire to get pregant.

As i thought about the comment that he made about it is a human desire to be pregnant i kind of laughed inside cause it reminded me of something i once heard Sy Rogers say about how we can change the physical parts of out bodies as much as we want and it will never change who God made us. In other words i can get a sex change and look like a man but i am still a female and i will still have female desires and my DNA is female.

This person so proving his point cause it isn't a human desire to become pregnant it is human desire to have kids but it is a female's desire to be pregnant. God put that desire in women and by this guy having the desire to get pregnant it is showing that he still is female and has female desires.

I don't know if this makes sense at all but i just want people to realize that God doesn't mess up. He made us all female and male for a reason and we can't change our sex just by changing our physical apperance.

Jesus had help carrying his cross

Jesus had someone helping him carrying his cross.

Shouldn't we allow others to help carry our cross also?

You Are Being USED!!!

Have you ever wondered why humans go through the things they do? Why does God allow people to be abused? Why does God allow people to be raped? Why does God allow us to have same sex attractions? Have you ever wondered why God won't take certain thing away from you? Why does he allow certain images to run through our heads? Why does he allow things to happen even though we beg and plead for them to stop.

These are the kind of questions that i had been asking myself. I just didn't understand it. I didn't get why God wouldn't take away something that he doesn't like? I remember growing up and laying in bed at night crying out to God pleading with him to take away these thoughts and feelings that i had. I didn't like that and still don't. After a while i would go through a list of things i knew. I knew that he loved me. I knew that he didn't approve of same sex relationships. I knew that i didn't want to have one either. What i didn't get though was why do i have the desire inside of me? Why does it seem so natural to me? And the biggest question of all why won't God just take it away?

Well I recently was shown something that helped put these questions to ease.
It was around easter and so i started to think about Christ and the cross. I started thinking about how Christ beg and pleaded with God to take this suffering away from him but God chose not to. The journey from the garden to the cross Jesus was tortured and God allowed it to happen. After all the whippings he was nailed to the cross and God allowed it to happen. God allowed his son to go through one of the most painful, humilating deaths in history. Why? Why didn't God take it away? God didn't like it. I am sure he didn't want it to happen.

But God knew something we didn't know and don't know. God knows the future! God knew what was going to come from allowing his son to die on the cross and go through all that pain and torture. Just like God knows what came from the cross he also knows what will come from my struggles of ssa and he knows what will come from your life.

As i started to think about it in a new light it showed me that i can keep fighting and keep going cause God does love me and he wants the best for me and from me. God knows ours sins and sruggles, He knows our hurts and pains, and in some way i believe he is going to use them! so if you are reading this i encourage you to stay strong look forward and keep going cause you will be used by god

I have been sitting here tonight thinking of my life and how much of my life rubs off onto other people. I have thought of all the people that have influenced me in one way or another. As i sit here and think about people i don't even know but have just seen as i live my day to day life and how they have influenced the decisions i make in my life. You come into contact with so many people in a day and they influence it one way or another. I thought about all the people i have influenced in some way. People i don't even know could have been influenced by me just by something i did. I am influenced by alot of people.
As i live with my nephew dj and he watches me and how i act to certain things he is being influenced by my life. it makes me think about what kind of life i want to live and need to live. We aren't here for ourselves to do as we please. we have responsibilities to others as well as to God. We need to stop being selfish and live our lifes like God would want us to.
I think about how many selfish things i choose everyday. i would rather play on the computer or text my friends then play with my nephew. I get mad when people interrupt me when i am talking to my friends. when it come to my friends i can become a monster when that is taken away from me. I am being selfish and telling my nephew that he comes second.

Can't buy me love

Today reminded me of my childhood when my mom and I would watch movies together. Since we are the only ones home we are able to relax and watch TV. My mom was watching the movie "Can't buy me love". Since i was upstairs laying on the couch i ended up watching it too.

I really liked the moral of the story and what the dude said at the end rang true in my life. Ronald Miller paid a girl 1000 dollars to act like they were dating. He was a nerd and wanted to become a jock but at the end of the movie he realizes that he can't buy love and he needs to be himself. He realizes that is hard enough trying to be who he is why make it harder trying to be someone he isn't.

I have tried to "buy" peoples love so many times. I am so afraid that if i didnt work for it then i wouldn't get it so i would do crazy things to get accepted. Like make sure i captilized all my i's everytime i wrote a blog when i really can personally care less if they are captilized or not. I finally realized that i am working so hard to keep my friends that i got tired of it and realized that if this is what i have to do then i don't want friends so I quit...


BUT

I then realized that i was doing it all for nothing cause it was driving them nuts too and the loved me and accepted me for who i was and i was doing all this stuff because i didn't know who i was. Now i am on a journey to figure out who i am and i have one of the coolest people in my life that accepts me just the way i am. I am so glad i can relax and be myself and she will accept it and yet help me grow more towards God. Love is one thing that we need to stop trying to gain because it is one thing that only can be given not bought.

The Journey

These past couple of weeks I have been asking myself a couple of questions. Pretty much I was wondering why God would want me to go through things that he doesn't approve of and he says so in his word. I have been discussing it with a friend of mine. I really haven't shared it with alot of people because ever since moving back home I have been going through a period in my life where I want to get to know me and who I am. I don't want other people's thoughts and beliefs to interfere with my time of questioning.

Last Night as I was laying in bed thinking of life and things i have been going through. I started to think about Jesus and his life. God sent Jesus to die on the cross but if you look before the he was on the cross. Did God have to send Jesus through all of that torture and pain? Jesus had to die in order for God's creation to be saved. Did it matter how he died? Could Jesus just have been beheaded? As i was thinking about Jeus and his journey to the cross I realized that Jesus really suffered alot and he didn't do anything to deserve it.

I have asked myself often why do I have this struggle in my life and all i want is for it to vanish cause i don't want to struggle with it anymore. I didn't do anything to deserve it. I didn't ask for you or bring it upon me. Its not I took a puff of a cigerette and now i am hooked or drank a beer and now i can't stop. Its not like that. I just lived my life and one day i started having feeling and thoughts about others.

We all have different journeys in life and we come into struggles that we bring upon ourself and struggles that we have no idea where they came from. As i have been looking at Jesus and his journey to the cross. It was a hard, painful, torturing journey that he didn't deserve but that journey was lead him to fullfill his purpose.

I want to encourage you to keep on fighting to follow Jesus and times will get rough and we have a painful and hard journey also but just like Jesus' journey, our journey will lead us to fulfill our purpose in life.

Keep your eyes on what lies ahead and know that with Christ we can do it.

Thanks

This is so true. It takes the words right out of my mouth. thanks for everything :)

Simon

I am not a huge fan of american idol but a friend had me watch it with her and her family last week and i decided to watch it again this week. One thing that i like on this show is Simon. Not many people like him but if you watch the contestants they react to Simon's opinion. After they finish there song they know that Randy will give his opinion and he will surgar coat everything and Paula does the same thing but Simon he is just blunt and honest. Yes he might be a little overboard at times but all the contestant want to know what Simon as to say more then the other two. I had to ask myself why is that ? This is why..

They know that unlike paula and randy who always are positive Simon will tell them the truth so when he says it is good they know it was really good. Where as paula and simon always say something not to hurt the singers feelings but simon doesn't care he says the truth and even though he says things that might be harsh but true when he says the positive things they know he really means it.

I have a friend like that and that is something that i absolutly love about her because i know she means what she says and she is not one to just say it to make you feel good about yourself.

-

Have you ever looked at a tombstone and all the stuff they put on it? There are so many things that you can decorate it with. It has the date you were born and the date you died. If you ever look in between the two dates you see the same thing you see in the title box. You see a dash. That dash resembles the life you lived. its only about an inch or two long but it resembles years. The bible tells us that are life is short. What do you want people to remember when they look at that dash on your tombstone. you have one dash and its not that long just like you have one life that isn't that long. live it well

question

If you had one chance to have a do over in your life what would you change?

I heard this question on a movie tonight and i have been thinking about it.

What is underneath your clothes

I really like one tree hill. Something always hits home to me when i watch it and i just start thinking. Tonight and for a couple weeks the bartender and Brooke have been talking. He is trying to get brooke to see that her passion is being smothered by her mom. He keeps asking her what is underneath her clothes? Brooke owns her own clothing company and so when he asks her that question he wants to know what is in her heart. If the company was no more what is her passion. If you observe brooke any you will see that she loves her friends and would do anything for them. She is not greedy with her money and loves to help out her friends. However she is letting her mom keep her from doing what she is passionate about.

What is underneath your clothes? What are you passionate about? What are you allowing to get in your way to go after your passion?

thank you

This past two weeks so much has happened with me that I don't even know where to start. God has truly blessed me with so much and as I spent time with him today i was reminded of that. As I am continuing to learn to keep him first in my life and trust him I find myself coming to him to keep giving him stuff that I take back. The Lord is awesome and I just think of the things that i have that i don't deserve and How he has proven himself over and over. As I continuew to go through my workbook and continure to learn and grow i continue finding myself thanking God for my life.

Trust

I have been talking with a friend for a while and I have to admit that I look at God and thank him every time she says I trust you. I never thought i would hear those words come from her again. It is so amazing how much good God wants for us.

Take My Hand

Today my nephew and I went outside to play in the snow for a little bit (I could only handle it for like 10 min if that). As we were playing there were a couple times when he needed my assistance to get up or not fall. As he was getting out of the sled I told him that to take my hand and I will help him out. He did which was a good thing because he slipped and i was able to grab him before he fell. There have been other times when I told him to take my hand and he says " No, I can do it" so knowing that he was going to fall I let him do it and watch him fall.

I think we are like that with God at times. God is telling us to take a hold of his hand so we don't fall and we tell him that we can do it so he allows us to try. We try to live life on our own and we fall. Its not that God doesn't love us or He leaves us. It is that we want to be able to do it ourselves and we can't. God already knows that we can't be he has to let us see it for ourselves. One day we will learn and we will take his hand and let him help was. Until then we will just keep slipping and falling.

Thought from the Prince

I caught the end of the fresh prince this morning as I was watching my nephew play with his legos. It happened to be one of my favorite episodes. It is when Will's dad comes to visit and then leaves him again. It always makes me tear up. This time I was thinking about people leaving people and not just father's leaving their children.

Why are we always afraid of people leaving us? I know for a long time I hated it when people left me. They could care so much for me but if they moved away from me then they abadoned me. For a long time I had a hard time leaving others cause I didn't want to abandon them. I finally realized that I need to physically move but I wasn't abadoning of leaving them. I still care for them and it is such a more selfless care then before.

I look at my nephew and watch him build a tower. He is so adorable and I see how he is being raised without both of his parents and just like Will I can see him asking someday " why don't my parents want me?" He is going to wonder what he did that caused them to leave him. what am I going to say if he asks me that question?

As I thought about it this morning Why don't we care that God's wants us. We always want to be wanted by others but we never stop to think about the Creator of the World wanting us, loving us, and just wants to take us in his arm and spoil us.

The God that gave Jordan his talent. The God that gave Ravi Zachrias or Einstein there intellect. The God that gave Princess Diana and Patrick Swayze their looks. The God that created a big huge ball of fire to keep us warm. God loves us so much and wants to be a part of our lives and he will never leave us or abandon us. So when my nephew asks me why his parents don't want him. I will tell him that it doesn't matter about weather his parents want him or not because God wants him and that is all that matters.

It was hard for me to be content with that but then I realized that God created all the people that I wanted to be wanted by so he will know the needs I was trying to meet by them and he will be able to do a better job.

More songs

This is how I so view my friendships.

Songs for you

I heard these songs and I thought of you. you can do it. I have told you before you will impact this world in a great way

Leaning on God

I am learning to lean on God more and more . My counseling session got canceled again and i am a little frustrated with the whole thing. I know that things have came up on boths sides that has caused it to be canceled. I just want someone to talk to that is someone that I can trust. ever since I left florida I am learning that there aren't many people that I can trust. Coming back to Indiana and talking to people here I am disagreeing with what they are telling me. These people don't really know what has happened in the last couple of months. So it is hard to talk to them about my issues because they don't focus on my issue of dependence but they focus on the people in my life. Anyway since I haven't had counseling and I am tired of feeling like I can't talk to other people because they just keep telling me that i am lost and i can't see straight because i am so lost in my dependence which tha angers me. I am learning that I need to seek god and ask him. I need to start having relationship with him and talking to him about it. So as I was asked today a question that I have been stirring on for a while now I am starting to learn that It doesn't matter what people say or what they think it only matters on what God says and what he thinks. I am learning to lean on him and let him tell me what I need to do. When I do that I don't worry as much and I am ready to take on anyone.

Obedience

I was working on my character study on obedience and I came across this article so I thought i would post it .

http://www.allaboutfollowingjesus.org/obedience-to-god-faq.htm

Good

Have you ever had so many people trying to tell you what you need to do and and you know that is not what your heart says? However they just tell your being lied to and that you need to stop believing that because its not true and you are being decieved? SO i lay here in bed wondering and asking God to show me they truth because I know there has got to be some truth to what I am thinking and feeling and I can't just stop believing. I know there is good because there is good in all of us and I have seen the good and i can't deny it.

that person

Have you ever had that one person that you know you could go to for advice? Its that person that you trust with your life. What do you do when you can't go to them anymore for advice?

We are on the same team

This phrase has been in my head ever since its been told to me. Its been about two and a half weeks ago but I have kept thinking about it and it has been something that has helped me make so important decisions in my life. Anyways it came back to me yesterday when i was at church and then this morining after i recieved a email.

I really like the phrase because so many times we tend to want to fight and blame things on others and want to see who is more christlike. All we are doing is fighting with our teammates and we aren't getting anything accomplished and the other team is winning the battle. The email i got this morining really encouraged me because even though we might not be able to be close to or around certain people we are all on the same team and sometimes we might have to make a sacrifice for the team but its all good because our captain will never lead us astray. By making that choice i have seen growth in others and in me.

So before you decide to point fingers at another christian brother or sister or want to gossip and tear them down just remember that they are your teamate and instead of point the finger or bashing them how about coming along side them putting your arm around them and point them closer to our Captain.

Never Let Go

Okay, so I am not usually this vulnerable on here or I haven't been writing with the thought that a certain somebody would read this. ( its be really freeing being able to not worry or care who is reading this) but tonight I am honestly writing this and praying that someone is reading this. Yeah I could email them but even though it has to do with them its not completly about them.

I was hanging out with a friend today. we spent the day going to church and watching movies. All day today I had one friend in mind and everything I was doing I thought about them. While I was at church today I was talking to a lady there and she was telling about the kids that she picks ups and brings to church. They need guidance and people to love on them. I can do that.

When I was watching movies today I thought about my life and people in my life. I watch The guardian and The story of Ron Clark. As I watched the guardian I caught the ending song called Never let go. Through out the movies you see how people don't give up on people. You see how Kevin Costner takes Ashton under is wings and helps him through his struggle. As I sat in my friends room listening to this song I just thought how even though i am no longer around this person and people will never understand or get it but i will never let go completly. It goes beyond my dependence. I will admit it was not good for me to be there and I had to let go of some things for my own mental health and spritual health but there is still a part of me that really cares and will always care about my friend as a person and I will never let go. I will always be there whenever she needs me. Whether it be just a text to say hey or a phone call crying out for help I will be there. People always wonder why I can't just let go of friendships or friends. I think about it over and over and I don't have a great answer. the only thing I got is because deep down inside of me i know that they are worth it and i will never let go of something that has value. here is the song that I listened to hope you enjoy.....



YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!!!

Tougher then I thought

So I was thinking today how it seems so easy but when I finally settled down and am lying in my bed with nothing but me and God, I find myself hurting and doubting and missing my old life. I find myself wondering what she is doing or if she thinks about me. I wonder if we could ever have a healthy relationship. I wonder if I will ever be able to get a good job and a place of my own. I wonder what God has planned for me. When I was in my meeting yesterday I was told that it is going to be hard to get through this but with time things will get better. I was asked if I thought there would be a time in my life where I could completely out of my life. I don't think I could and honestly I really don't want to. Given I am still working through all of this, I know that I have a honest pure caring about her and I do want the best for her.

These past couple of nights though have been really hard for me and as strong as I try to be God knows that it is something very painful that I am going to have to go through but as long as I keep being honest with myself and others I will eventually get through this. I also know there are some things that I am going to just miss forever and it is ok to miss them because they were good things and when you hang out with someone for a long time you will experience some good memories and those are to be cherished. So even thought this adjusting thing is harder then I thought it would be it will only get easier.

Grace, Freedom... WOW!! Its amazing

Today was amazing!! The grace and freedom I have been experiencing today was just amazing. I finally got to go to Grace and visit with some people there and I really enjoyed it. I have told some of my friends that I would be up there on Friday cause I had a meeting and thought we could catch up for a little bit. Hanging out with and seeing how much grace people gave me was just so overwhelming.

All I kept thinking was the choice that I made in life I would take a second look at me but not these people. They were just so encouraging and came with arms wide open. I think all of them kept telling me how glad they were to have me back. All I kept thinking was all the things I regretted and they would look at me and be like don't regret it, God had you there for a reason and he used you. It like at times when I think i messed up and screwed up God shows me that we all have issues and that is why there is Grace. Grace is so amazing!!!!

As I was talking to everyone I didn't bother looking at my phone. It was such a freedom to set my phone aside and to be able to look in my friends' eyes and really care about them. Such a freedom to be able to make my own choices and not worry about what other people would think. ( sidenote... It is so interesting how we tend to think that we know what other people are thinking. I mean I really struggled with that and I am sure if I would asked her what she was thinking at that time she would totally be thinking about something completely different. but i so thought i knew and it held me back).

It was so amazing to me the conversations I had with my friends. I was able to be open and honest with one of them. I could bring up things and admit things without feeling akward or judgemental. She then opened up to me and started telling me about her life and we both knew that we have issues and sooner or later our sin does catch up with us and it did with the both of us.

The coolest thing about today was being able to protect others. That was one thing that I was so scared about today was that people would start talking and I would start talking but it wasn't like that at all. I was able to be open and honest but yet protect and change the subject or let people know that I still care about her and I am not going to go there and they were accepting of that.

God really showed me how awesome and blessed I really am to have friends that still let me be apart of there life even after I have continued to screw them over . I just couldn't stop thinking about it and I still can't. I am so thankful for them and the encouragment that it has given me.

Expectations, Motives, and More

I got a email the other day that asked me what i was expecting from them and what my motives were. That led me to think about that last night. It made me realize how free I am now that I moved back home. Once I gave up trying to get people to care about me or love me and just accepted that they will either love and care about me or they won't I gave myself a sense of freedom. I no longer have expectations or motvies. Before I spend most of my day wondering what I could do to get someone to show me that they would accept me. It was tiring and most of the time it didn't work for me. By doing that it build lies in my head that made me to keep doing things because I was afraid if i stopped then our friendship will stop. Now I don't have that worry anymore. I am now able to love freely. It is so much better and i am not living my life in bondage anymore and i can start being me and doing things I want to do. Let me tell you it feels so amazing. Its like tons just came off of my back and I am able to truly love and care for people.

I am still trying to get use to this weather. I just got back and I already caught me a cold. I really haven't been outside since i came back from my sister's house. I did go hang out with a friend Monday night. But other then that I have been enjoying the inside of my house.

I have to say that I love my nieces and nephews so much. they are so cute and i don't really have a favorite anymore. They are all my favorite and I can't wait to be able to see Brody bowl and hang out with Kyndra. DJ has been such a help around the house and he is so cute that you just have to laugh when he tries to help do a job that is bigger then him. I haven't got to see much of Makayla but I am sure that will change.

I woke up to an email this morning that Resetter Printer commented on my blog. It was a reall comment but it is weird that a printer company is commenting on my blog. i can't complain though they really like my blog but I just found it a little akward that it came from a company

I was talking to a friend the other day and was telling her how i am experiencing something that I have never experience before. I am living in a freedom and peace but yet I am hurting. That is the best way that i can explain but it is so weird.

K I am going to go hang out with Dj for a little bit.

2008 is going to be a great year

I am sick and so I have been laying around spending time thinking about life. I have been thinking about the past, present and future. I thought about a story that a friend told me about how he was dumped by his finace because he didn't have money and how she is now on welfare. I thought about how sometimes the greatest sacrifice is letting go. I have thought about how much I have lost out on because of the one thing I kept trying to gain. There is so much that I have thought about today. The one thing that has been on my mind is how many people that I have in my life that truly do care about me and love me. For a long time I kept telling myself that there was only one person who truly cares for me and now I am see that there are so many people that really care about me. There are people in this world that I will always love and care for and they will always have a piece of my heart. There are people out there that I have hurt and they have hurt me. Some of the people have gone on and went down a road of destruction and other have grown in tremoudous ways. God is showing me that I belong to him and this is going to be a season where I get to really know him and his greatness. On another blog that I write on I remember reading that 2008 is going to be a great year. Its only Feburary and so much has happened where i could say that this year has been ruined but I think that isn't true. I really think that this year is going to be a great year, a year of change.

One tree hill

I love to watch one tree hill because there is so much stuff i like to ponder. Tonight Peyton decided to do the hardest thing she would ever do. She let Lucas go. Given that is a different relationship than what i have been dealing with but have you ever had to let someone go? I was so with Peyton tonight. I can't say goodbye to people it is so hard for me to let friends go but sometimes in life that is the best thing that you can do. Loving someone doesn't mean that you get to be there with them or share in their life sometime it means that you need to leave there life because it is the best thing you can do. For me i think it was the best thing i could have done. This doesn't mean that you can't be there for them if they need you or come back to you but it does mean that you need to paint your own story and know that they will paint theres and the we need to be ok if we aren't in there story anymore. Anyways there is a song that reminds me of this so i added it on here. It is a song that mean alot to me. It is a very special songs

40 years in the wilderness

Have you ever felt like you were the Israelites and you have been wondering around in a wilderness for 40 years? Well it hasn't been 40 years for me but while i was looking for some pictures of my brother i came across a journal from my sucess class i had to take my freshmen year in college. I was looking through it and i didn't really like what i read in there. I had these big hopes and dreams for my life after college. I wasn't suppose to be living at home. i was suppose to be out changing peoples life, traveling the world and loving life. I noticed how some things in that i read in there are still the same and that wasn't cool to see it because things that i knew were true then I accepted and didn't bother changing. Now I am 24 years old living at home, back at start wondering what i want to do and knowing that this time I am going to do it God's way because doing things my way caused me to lose things in my life that meant so much to me. Things i would probably still have if i would have followed God. So it hasn't taken me 40 years but it has taken me 24 and I am glad that i can start getting out of this wilderness and starting to live a God fulfilled life.

God blesses and more

I can't believe that it took me this long to listen and obey what God was telling me. I have fought him for a long time. I finally give up and listen and I see how lives have been changed and people seem so much happier and content. It has been hard for me to be at home but I have to admit that I have a peace that I haven't had for a long time. I know this is where i am suppose to be. Moving back here was a hard thing for me to do but God blessed me with encouragement and strength from a couple of friends. when i have a hard time i know i can call up one of two friends and all i have to say is i need some encouragement cause i am really struggling right now and they will let me know that things will be all right. The other day I was talking with someone and I was telling her that I know this is what God wants me to do and the hardest part is that people don't know everything that i was dealing with inside me or they just don't get it and they think I made descisions based on them. this friend told me that sometime God is the only one that understands and that is ok. I am glad that when no other human being gets what is going on inside us that God does. It is amazing to be able to go to him and let him know the how you hurt because of things that you said or did that you wish you could take back or how much you wish other people would understand. Or how you he gets you when people just don't get you. I am so glad i can just share my struggles and thoughts with him or i can just cry to him and he is there to let us know that things will be ok. I am learning how amazing God is. Sometime he has us do things that make no sense to us so we can't explain them to someone else when we don't even understand it but he understands it and that is all that matters. I am seeing alot of good things happening and I am looking forward to more.

Fri to sun

So much has happened since friday. I woke up friday morning in florida and went to sleep in Indiana. Since I sat down at the airport I haven't stop asking God why do I need to be at home. I don't want to be here and its been hard being here. I know I needed to leave Florida but I don't know why God wanted me to come home. I am slowly starting to see that i need to invest in my family and spend time with them. This is hard for me right now because I don't really want to be bothered by them. When i was at my sisters this weekend I noticed that I have a hard road to walk. I didn't realize how bad my dependence was until I went into Krogers to grab a frozen pizza and My eyes went straight for jack's pizza. i could not take my eyes off of it. It is good pizza but it reminded me of a friend and once that happen i started getting sad and wonderng what in the hell am I doing. Wondering if i did the right thing. Wondering who is going to be my source of encourgement. Who will be the one that will accept me for me. Who will I watch movies with? Who will i be able to laugh with and joke with? Going on with the weekend reading emails and getting upset at things that were happening. Going out to eat and seeing a huge thing of mac and cheese and having these thoughts flood my mind again. It hit me that there are alot of things that i am going to have to accept. There are somethings I am going to have to change. The thing that hit me hard was how much I already miss my florida and everything down there. It hit me how much i care about her and really want the best for her. I know we weren't helping each other grow towards God while i was down there so I knew it would be better if I left and God has been telling me that I needed to come home. I have questioned it and wonder if it was really God because why would he want me at a place that i don't want to be. I finally listened and I came. Like I said alot has happened and I don't know why I am here but I know this is where i am suppose to be and I know God is with us and has us in his hands and I need to allow him to work in all of our lives. Its just been three days but it has been a hard three days. A friend told me today that the is the hardest it will be it will only get easier from here on.

I just like these

Here is another one that made me think about things and i just like puttings these on my blog so enjoy.

I'll Be

I have made some decisions in my life that are going to change alot of things . I have been thinking about them and the people in my life that have made a huge impact on me. Seasons come and seasons go and so do friendships. Anyway I have been thinking about my friend and wondering where things are going to go and so i thought of this song and wanted to put it on here for her. Thanks for being there when i needed you.

Gracia Burnham

I was looking at the chapel schedule at Grace College and I notice that Gracia Burnham is coming to speak there in March. That is so exciting. I am so there. After reading her story it is cool that i will be able to meet her. It is even cooler because it is on a wednesday and I have to go up there anyways so maybe i can just spend the day up there. Hopefully i will have some sort of transportation by then.

Could God be talking....

Have you ever felt like you were suppose to do something and you kept trying to forget about it and move on and it just wouldn't go away? Was it something that you never thought you would do and you just don't get why you feel like that is the right thing to do? Is it also a hard thing to do? Could that silent little voice that doesn't let you push it away or forget about it be God? Could God be trying to give you instructions on what he wants you to do? I have been wondering that lately.

The Body of Christ

I have been learning so much lately. It is so cool how God can take on inccident and teach you so many things from it.

One thing that has been on my mind and I have been learning is how we all put into other people's lives for different reasons. omk* (O my knowledge). Just like we are all different parts of the body of Christ we are all different parts of people's lives. God puts us in each other's lives to carry out certain deeds. Some of us are used to help each other grow to be better people, some of us are used to show people to have fun, (*other higher elephants than dumbo.) others are used to challenge us and others are used to just to listen to us. We are have a different purpose in each others lifes and we need to be content with that.

I am slowly learning this lesson and I will admit, some days its hard to be content with it but God made us uniquely for a purpose and He knows best.

*Friendly vistor wanted to write

Tolerance vs loved

Tolerance says, “You must approve of what I do.” Love responds, “I must do something harder;
I will love you, even when your behavior offends me.”

Tolerance says, “You must agree with me.” Love responds, “I must do something harder; I will
tell you the truth because I am convinced ‘the truth will set you free.’”

Tolerance says, “You must allow me to have my way.” Love responds, “I must do something
harder; I will plead with you to follow the right way, because I believe you are worth the risk.

Tolerance seeks to be inoffensive; love takes risks.

Tolerance glorifies division; love seeks
unity.

Tolerance costs nothing; love costs everything.

Will you tolerate or will you do something harder and Love

I just want to "fix" it

Have you ever had that earning to "fix" things? You see something is not right or its broken and you want to "fix" it.

I am like that and I have learned a great lesson trying to "fix" things. I am always wanting to "fix" people and relationships. Tonight as i was watching a show the mom just wanted to "fix" things for her son. Afterall she is his mom and she was suppose to be able to "fix" things.
Growing up I have I saw my mom act the same way with us. She was always wanting to "fix" things that we did.

Lately I have been learning that this world is a broken world and we weren't made to "fix" it. It is not our job and when we try to "fix" we could just be making things worse. So lets let God do his job and we can relax and trust in him.

Humility

Wanting to become the person that I have always thought about being I thought that I would look at different characteristic traits and see what they look like. One characteristic that i would love to have is humility.

So many times we want to live out something that we don't even know what it really is or what it looks like so before i applied it to my life i decided to check it out. With a help of a friend we decided to take a week and learn about humility this is what we have learned.

"Humility does not mean you think less of yourself. It means you think of yourself less."

Humility: The quality or condition of being humble (Dictionary.com)Humility: A prominent Christian grace. It is a state of mind well pleasing to God; it preserves the soul in tranquility and makes us patient under trials. Christ has set us an example of humility. We should be lead thereto by a remembrance of our sins and by the thought that it is the way to honor and that the greatest promises are made to the humble. It is a "great paradox in Christianity that makes humility the avenue to glory." (BibleDictionary.com)

Humility & PrideProverbs is direct and forceful in rejecting pride. The proud attitude heads the list of seven things God hates (6:16-17). The harmful results of pride are constantly contrasted with humility and benefits.

** Proverbs 11:2 "When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom

There are so many times in our lifes that we want to safe ourselves. We want to be known and heard. At the end of the day it is natural to think about ourselves. When trouble hits we want to safe ourselves. When words fly and people say some not so nice things we naturally want to strike back and defend ourselves. Why?

Because we have pride and we don't want to some one to think less of us. We don't like to be looked down upon.

1 Peter 2:23 says that when they hurled their insults He did not relatiate, when he suffered he made no threats, instead he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. I really like this verse because i am just the oppisite. I am constanlty defending myself, so desperatly wanting people to know who i am. As i read this verse Jesus didn't care what they did or what they said because he knew that God was the Judge and he will bring justice. It allows me to relax and know that i don't need to defend myself when people want to say thing or think things. They might be right and they might be wrong. God already knows and that is all that matters. If they want to know what my thougths are they will ask.

Humility, something that is so hard to live with these days but something that is so liberating to have.

I am so excited to learn about perserverance this coming week.

God knows..

This is a continuation of yesterday's thought...


Do you have those people in your life that you wish they would see you? They are the ones that you want to be encouraged by or you would love for them to acknowledge the things you do. They are the people in your life that you would die for but they just don't seem to notice you. Yeah they see you in physical form and they talk to you and might even be your friend or relative but they don't see anything past that.

We are so desperate for them to see us sometime we do things out of our norm just to get there attention.

I was watching a show and there was a girl that hurt another girl because she wanted a guy to notice her and not watch the girl her had his eye on. We know it stupid and wrong to do things like that but we are so desperate for there attention and love that we do things like that.

Or we will do anything to try and meet there approval and we get so upset and frustrated when we don't meet there expectations that we put on them.

I have noticed this alot these past couple of weeks. As i am looking around at my friends and just everyday normal people I see how we go and do something for someone hoping they will see us and when they don't do what we hope for we get hurt. We cook dinner or clean the house hoping our mom will come home and see how well of a job we do. Instead she comes home and starts wondering who made the house such a mess. We spend so much time wondering what we can do so we are seen by them and then we try it and it never works. We are always invisible to them. We can't give them what they want or what they are looking for. They are too busy wanting someone else's approval that they don't stop to see us.

I have been in both spots and because of it i have missed out on some great things. I wanted certain people to see me so badly i wanted them to acknowledge me and while i was so busy trying to get them to see me i was not seeing other people who were saying "Dottie, look at me I am here for you, I care about you. I want to know you. I was so busy trying to get certain people to see me that i even looked right past God. I didn't have him and many others on my radar screen because they weren't the people i wanted to be noticed by. ( besides i already knew they cared about me so i knew i didn't have to try).

So many time we wear ourselves thin trying to become visible to people and we lose out on other people in our lifes and we lose our focus. We do do do to get get get and when we don't get we get frustrated. I have learned that we are not invisible to God and we need to just do because we care and don't expect back. God knows our hearts and that is all that matters.

I am slowly learning this and its not easy but I am learning it is so renewing and liberating when we can just give from our hearts and know that we care and love them and we don't expect back.
They might not see it or notice us but it is ok because we aren't looking for that any more. God sees us and we can just love them for who they are.

Church In the Park

Today at church in the park and on the way home i had some thoughts running through my head so i thought i would post them.

The pastor that spoke today said that sometimes we just need a friend to face our fears with us. When he said that I thought how I wish I could be that friend to some people. After thinking about that I thought how i would like certain people to be that friend to me. I wondered who would let me be that friend and would they allow me to be that friend to them.

Then as I was talking and waiting to go I started thinking about how there are people in this world that we see everyday and we see them hurting and in a need of something and you want to help them and be there friend but they don't want that from you. Wonder how many people have tried to help me and be there for me and I said no because i didn't think they could help or they weren't the person that i wanted. Its like they can help you but you can't help them. Why is this?

This is something that got me thinking today and just is something i am going to have to watch to make sure i am not doing it any more and as far as others something i am just going to have to accept.

This is where i am at in my life.

Wine into Water

Monday my Dad will have been sober for two years. this song is a song i can see my dad singing

My Dad

This is a song for my Dad, I am so proud of the man that he has became. No one thought that he would ever change. When he decided to make a change in his life and give up drinking he had no one behind him but he still decided to stop and it has been two years so this is for my dad.
This song is one of my Dad's favorite songs . Keep listening to that voice

I am proud of my DAD

I just learned how to put videos on here and I am so excited!

I am so excited for my Dad also because this year he will have been sober for 2 YEARS!!!

There were many people out there that kept telling me that he wouldn't last and he has tried before and he will eventually go back to drinking. Over these past two years my dad has taught me alot. One thing that I have learned from him is to never give up or give in. I have seen my dad from having nothing to having his life back and it is amazing to me.

I am not who I was

A friend told me that this song reminded him of my previous post. I listened to it and I would have to agree. It reminds of another friend of mine looking back 10 years from now

The kind of person

Yesterday I went up to Sarasota to talk to someone about an inccident that has been going on for a couple of weeks now. When Iwent up there I had a completely different picture of what was going to happen then what did happen.
As I was coming back I had a chance to talk to my friend and as Ihave been thinking about what kind of person i am I have realized I am not the person I want to be. I always thought that I had this friendship thing mastered and I knew how to be a friend but yesterday changed all of that. I have learned that there are things that I do that isn't respectful to my friends. I also learned that my friends protect me.
So I got home yesterday and I started writing down some questions and thoughts and decided that I am going to work on changing who i am to the kind of person I want to be.

This is the kind of person I want to be:

• I want to be honest. I want to live my life so everything I do and say is something I won't be ashamed of or tempted to hide from anyone in my life.
• I want to be simple with my words. I am one that talks too much. I have learned that when I talk I tend to talk to much. After I am done talking i don't even know what i said because I said so much.
• I want to think before I speak.
• I want to depend more on God. Something this past couple of weeks has taught me is that i go to my phone more then I go to God. I want to be ok sitting in trials and knowing that God is right there with me.
• I want to fear God. I have learned that I fear man more then I fear God.
• I want to love people for the simple fact of who they are.
• I want to be patient. I have been learning that some people take longer to do things then I do. I want to respect that and be ok when something can't be "fixed" right away.

These are things that I have been thinking about and how I am going to work on them. I know that this will be a process and I will need accountability for them. I am glad that I am learning more about myself and I can't wait to see how different I am in a year.

things I have learned

Today i learned that I am a savior. I am always wanting to help the people i care about and don't like it when they help me. I learned that i never tend to my own needs whether it be me tending to them or anyone else.
I learned that i really don't trust God because if i did then i would let hime take care of his people instead of always butting in and trying to make someone better or help someone stop hurting.
I learned that I am not vulnerable with people. Yeah i share some things but i don't share the scary things.
I learned that i am scared to be honest with people because if i am honest then i will be abandoned.

There was alot of stuff i learned about myself and one thing that i learned was i need to start to focus on myself and get my needs met. I need to bask in God's love and let other people love me. I also need to let go of trying to make other people stop hurting and trust that God will take care of their needs. Afterall he did create them and he knows them better then anyone else.

SO WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH THIS KNOWLEDGE:

I am going to embrace lives opportunities and start accomplishing what i want to do.

I am going to let God show me his wonderful love

I am going to allow others to meet my needs

And the hardest one of all, I am going to give God his place back and start trusting him that he will help and love those that I deeply care about and just want the best for them.

After all there is only one true Savior and I am not him

Relational Masks Quotes

" Real love isn't syrupy; its scary"

" The stronghold in our lives are irrational and inconsistant,but we are committed to them none the less"

"Christians cannot live a life that pleases God unless the develop a passionate sense of hate"

Looking Back

I decided to go back to my site that I had before I got this one. I was reading over my life and things that went on. It was good to read some of the entries that i wrote because they gave me encouragement for who I am and what things is life i am passionate about.

I saw lessons I learned that i totally forgot about. One of the entries that i wrote was why people always want to run away. It reminded me of how we like to make messes in our lives and then skip out on them and not clean them up. There is so many times i want things to be over with but I stuck them out and i am glad I did.

Another one reminded me of what true friendship is.

I even read about how my brother got picked up for dealing drugs. Its been about a year since that happened.

Others i read reminded me of th fun i had or things i was scared of.

Looking back and seeing where i came from encourages me to keep going. I can see God's hand at work and helps me to have hope and face another day. Lets me be able to say Maybe today is the day every day til that day comes. that will be such a glorious day:)

Realization

Have you ever thought you knew something then you realize that you didn't know as much as you think you did. That happened to me last night. Iam messing around on my computer cleaning things up ( old emails, documents etc.) and as I was doing that I was reading through them. As I was reading them it hit me hard exactly what I did to my friend when I lied to her.

To me I lied and I confessed, I knew I needed help and I thought that she would forgive me and help me with my problem. But as time kept going on and she hasn't wanted anything to do with me I now see why or at least I think I do, i could and might be completely wrong.

I was someone that she let into her quality world, she trusted me and I was some one that she was close to. She doesn't let many people into this part of her life because when she has before she has gotten hurt by them. Well when I confessed that I had lied to her. I confessed to her that i comitted the number 1 thing she can not stand or tolerate.

By doing this I cause alot of damage in her life,
1. reaffirmed that people she gets close to hurt her
2. cause her to doubt all other relationships
3. made it so she started putting up walls and not trusting people

As I kept thinking about this I could feel my heart get tighter and tighter and it just hurt so bad. I never thought I would ever hurt a human being as much as i hurt her.

This morning I was laying here in bed thinking what happen to me to make me do this. I knew all of this. We talked about how she doesn't like liars before, and how she has a hard time letting people in cause she doesn't want to get hurt. I told myself that i would never do that to her and I tried to play God for her. I was on a mission to show her that i truly do care and I will never hurt her. While i was doing this i was stretching myself thin because even though i think i can play god I can't because i am not him, I am just Dottie and all I can be is a screwed up human being in need of a savior just like everyone else. I started becoming selfish and the friendship aspect started to become more to me the the actual person. Thats when that lies started to happen.

So as i think and wonder why can't she just give me a second chance. I am willing to bet that it isn't that she doesn't want to, it is that she can't because of the fear that I might hurt her again. If i am capable of doing it once the i am capable of doing it again. That thought keeps her from risking it.

All of this going through my head makes perfect sense to me why she hasn't talked to me and why she wants nothing to do with me. It hurts me even more to know what i did. But it even helps me to hang out and wait it out because I truly believe that one day she will take that risk and walk out on the branch and I want to be there when she is ready for our friendship.

Until then I am continuing to change and become a better person. I am contiuing to grow and realize that i am not God nor will i ever be him.

Brainwashed

As I have been reading books, talking to people I have come to think about how brainwashed humans are. It is just so fascinating how we are so messed up because of the fall that we can't even comprehend what truth is.

We are costantly questioning God and after he reveals the answer we still aren't sure if that is him or satan. This past couple weeks I have been able to get a sense of how screwed up we are which has given me so much more thankfulness for Jesus.

We as messed up people are tryin to mentor or minister to other people and it just starts the ball rolling. We will never get out of this cycle we will just keep spinning and spinning into these lies that we have been told since we were young.

I have came to realize how people can get so mixed up in there thoughts that they don't know what is true and what is not.

Personally I have people, all who care for me (or at least I chose to believe they do) giving me advice on what i should do with my life. Some agree with me and some don't. This is where i try to see what God wants and I don't know what he wants.

Life song

I just learned how to put videos on my blog so I am redoing this and putting the video on my blog:)

This is my life song at the moment in my life

Hard Questions

I am not one to ask hard questions. I don't really know why? I just don't like answering them i guess. There are other people out there that don't mind them. They ask them and wrestle with them. I can't do that. I think another reason is because i already know that answer to them and i don't want to hear it.

Today i had some hard questions asked to me. They keep going through my mind and i have decided to face them and wrestle with them . I think it is time to admit the truth to myself and move forward with it. It has been a hard day for me. I am asking myself these questions and as I wrestle through them I am going to seek the answer whether i want to or not. it will be hard but its time that i do face it.

thoughts

Have you ever done something that sorry could not make better? Its so weird to me but i was thinking how we think the word sorry will make our wrongs disappear and make the pain leave the person that you hurt. Last week I hurt the one person in my life that truly meant something to me. I want to make things better and I want for them to stop hurting. I didn't want to hurt them but I wasn't thinking of them at the time. Instead I was thinking of myself. After i told them the truth all i could think of saying was "I am sorry" but that didn't help this time. "Sorry" was just another word to them and it didn't make their pain go away.

These last couple of days i have come to learn that i am starting to care more about them as a person then the friendship that I hid behind. I have lost alot of credit for what i did and i deserve it. It hurts that i don't get to be in there life and all my trust is gone and "sorry" isn't going to make it better. i have been doing alot of thinking about this and this has shown me how my actions do affect others and how thinking before acting does one good.

today i decided that i didn't really want to talk to anyone and so i didn't. At least when i don't talk i don't do something i will later regret. My mom told me that one day my mouth would get me into trouble but i never expected it would be like this.

No Way Out

Everywhere I turn, I hurt someone

But there’s nothing I can say to change the things I’ve done

I’d do anything within my power, I’d give everything I’ve got

But the path I seek is hidden from me now

Friend, I let you down

You trusted me, believed in me,

And I let you down

Of all the things I hid from you,

I cannot hide the shame.

And I pray someone... something will come,

To take away the pain.

There’s no way out of this dark place,

No hope, no future.

I know I can’t be free,

But I can’t see another way,

I can’t face another day.

This is one of my favorite songs from Brother Bear. I never thought i would be able to apply it to my life.

questions

" Is the Creator a Lamb or a Lion"?

"Some would say that the Creator is a lamb. Some would say he's a lion. Some would say both. The fact is, he is neither a lamb nor a lion. These are fiction. Metaphors. Yet the Creator is both a lamb and a lion. These are both truths."

"Neither changes the Creator, only the way we look at him."


" How is it that God can allow evil to exist?"

"Because evil provides his creation with a choice and without it, there could be no love."

"Love is dependent on evil?"

"Did I say that? How can there be love without a true choice? Would you suggest that man be stripped of the capacity to love?

This was the Great Romance. To love at any cost.

These were in a book I am reading and they caught my eye and wanted to blog about them.

Lesson from the Buttercreamers

Last night i was laying in bed thinking about life and friendships. I like to think about the past the how things were back then. I know we all change and things will never be like that again but it makes me smile when i can't smile now. Anyways as i was thinking i remembered a movie i watched when i was younger called the buttercream gang. It came to my mind because there is a part in there where Scott challenges his friend Pete to hang out with him for one day and have fun just like they did before things changed.
I woke up this morning and watched a couple clips on youtube because i wanted to see that particular clip but i couldn't find it but i found another clip where the dad tells Scott that he just simply needs to love Pete right where he is at.
I started to think about that and realize that i need to do the same. I want things to be better in my life and i want people to change for the better. but i need to accept them for who the are and love them no matter what. Now that doesn't mean that i let them walk all over me and get away with things but it does mean that I need to see that they too are human and that they too go through rough times in life. I need to understand and realize that people are going through things that i might not even know about. I just need to Love them right where they are at and know that Love wins out in the end.
Now how do i love? that i don't know. I am sure i can start with prayer then move from there. Maybe i can show love just by accepting there wishes. I could show love by being patient with them. So i will keep looking further into this but i know that i just need to love them. Its a good reminder for me.

What I Have Learned

I finally finished my bible study. I was going to finish it yesterday but i just wasn't in the mood so i relaxed and thought about things. I got up this morning and finished it and this is what i came to learn through it.

• God commands us not to lie ( Lev 19:11) -There is a reason that He commmands us not to lie, He wants the best for us and he knows what lying can do to relationships.
• However we are all Liars (Rom 3:4)- We have all lied and sin. it only takes one lie to become a liar and one sin to become a sinner
• We need to confess and repent. ( 1 John 1:9)
• Jesus also tells us to forgive our brother (Mat 18:21-35) - I am still wondering what forgiving looks like because i have seen it played out in many ways. Maybe i will do a study on that some day.
• Friends love at all time ( Proverbs 17:17)

With this i need to realize that i not only wronged a friend but i also wronged God. I need to confess and repent and change from my wrongdoing. It is not up to me to change the heart or thoughts of other people and i can't keep begging them to give me a second chance. What is done is done i did what i needed to do and know all i can do is wait and love and accept others where they are at. The biggest thing that has come out of this is that i have become so thankful that i am in the hands of God and not of humans because humans are harsh.

Here are some verses that really stuck out to me as i was studying, Some of them was hard for me to face but others i was again glad that God loeves me as much as he does.

• Proverb 18:24
• Proverbs 19:5
• Proverbs 19:22
• Proverbs 12:17
• Psalms 34:12-14
• Romans 1:25
• Col 3:9
• Proverbs 27:10
• Proverbs 27:6

God will always come through and God can mend things that seem beyond repair so I am giving this to God and trusting him to do as he wills

Bible study

I have been looking up scripture dealing with lying and telling the truth. I haven't even read through most of them and i am quickly seeing Why it is one of the ten commandments. When we lie to people we think that it won't hurt anyone. that it just a simple little lie just so we can save ourself. (With me it was because i was scared that my friend would get mad at me and not want to be my friend anymore. ) Ever since i confessed to my friend what i had done i have been thinking about all the little simple lies that i said to protect myself. I can see how each one slowly has been burning away are friendship. To us in the moment they seem like something that isn't going to harm anything until the truth comes out and then those little sparks of lies turn into one big giant fire that only God will be able to put out. Its all i have been thinking about.
You can lose alot of things and be ok but once you lose trust it is almost impossible to gain it back. I have thought over and over how can i prove that i can be trustworthy again. How can i show people that i care about that i am an honest person and that i am done lying. How can someone gain trust once they lost it. So far all i can find is to keep praying, stay trustworthy, and be patient. It isn't going to happen over night but if God wants it to be then it will be. I keep thinking about how me lying has caught me to hurt and i am sure the person that gets lied to hurts so much more . Well i am going to continue on to doing this study maybe i will learn so much more then i already have

Romans

I read all of Romans today. There was a passage in Romans that really stuck out to me and it probably true for most people. I know that it is a well known passage but it never hit me like it did today when i read it

We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

As i read this i thought to myself how true it was. I just emailed a friend the other day and pretty much told her this exact same thing. I am so tired of sinning and yet i keep on sinning. I want to do good but i don't. It is very frustrating to me and angers me at time. I hurt people that i care about because of my own selfish desires. I hurt myself because of my own selfish desires. I just don't get it but i realize how powerful sin is and it isn't something to play around with. I also realized just how strong we have to be to beat sin. I won't give up though because I know who lives in me and who loves me and one day i will do what i was and not what i want.

Confession

Have you ever confessed to someone that you wronged them? How does it feel afterwards? I did something wrong this past week and it has been eating me alive. I haven't been the same person. I was distant from this person. All week i just wanted to avoid them cause i knew i wronged them. I wrestled with it because what i did was out of my character to do and i never thought i would do this.

As the week progressed i tried to push in behind me and not focus on it but every time i went to read my bible or do my study there it was staring me in the face. I would push it away and try to keep reading telling myself it will be ok i will forget all about it.

Today as i was reading i couldn't get past it. I couldn't let it go. I had to get it off my chest and i had to confess. So i did. By confessing off came the mask. when i confessed i also lied because i was asked before if i ever had done it and i said no. By confessing i admitted that i had wronged them and i lied to them.

They are already past it and over it but i am not because I hurt them and i don't like hurting my friends. i know that i am forgiven and i feel a lot lighter but I don't like what i did.

Remember that blog that i posted about how hard it would be to live for a year without lying well it is because i failed that to.

Alone

" We are all alone, every single one of us. We are all alone" -Paul Ryan.

I was watching a show today and one of the characters on there said this quote and as he said it, it hit me hard because it is so true. We go through life wanting people to be a part of our life and wanting to be apart of their lives. We try so hard to show people that we truly care for them. We want to belong to something and be accepted by someone. We want to accept others.

BUT

When things happen that are too hard or we aren't passionate about or when we are getting from people what we want. When times get hard we leave, we abandoned each other. We are so scared of what might happen if we let down our guard and let some one in. What would happen if someone truly accepted me. If i truly belonged. Because of that fear we sit outside of relationships. We sit alone. Every single one of us sit outside alone.

My little bro

The other day i talked to my mom and she told me that my brother was sent off to prison. He has been in the county jail for a while now and they called his number so it was his turn to get sent away. When i heard my moms voice, i knew that she wasn't taking it very well. Ever since then he has been on my mind and my heart. Bad things happen in prison and i don't want my brother to be experiencing that stuff. I agree he needed a wake up call but i wouldn't want any one to have to go through some things that happen in prison.

I know that some people might say that he deserves all of it but thinking back on our childhood all i can say is that I am a very lucky child to end up the way that i did. My family wasn't horrible but I can totally see how he would have chosen that road.

Growing up with a twin brother and having everyone tell you how great you are and giving him a big head. Putting expectations on him that he didn't want or couldn't achieve. While all he really wanted was a relationship with his dad. He wanted to be accepted the way he was and his friends would do that.

Seeiing his mom and other siblings smoking pot and being told that it was the "cool" thing to do. later on in life seeing how much money one can make by selling drugs. Listening to his dad always talking about money. My brother isn't a dumb kid. He listens to all of these things around him and puts two and two together thinking it will buy him accpetance and love and all it does is gets him further away from his dad and eventually lands him in jail.

Watching my brother go in a downward spiral after i had my eyes opened up by a friends i realize i was just as guilty as the rest of my family. I miss my brother alot and i have realized how the thing i say to him might seem to go through one ear and out the other but i also know that there are somethings that stick with him and i hope one of those things is God.

I ask that while he is in prison and only 19 years old that God will protect him and that he will learn how he can become a better man and a better father for his children.