Trust

I have been talking with a friend for a while and I have to admit that I look at God and thank him every time she says I trust you. I never thought i would hear those words come from her again. It is so amazing how much good God wants for us.

Take My Hand

Today my nephew and I went outside to play in the snow for a little bit (I could only handle it for like 10 min if that). As we were playing there were a couple times when he needed my assistance to get up or not fall. As he was getting out of the sled I told him that to take my hand and I will help him out. He did which was a good thing because he slipped and i was able to grab him before he fell. There have been other times when I told him to take my hand and he says " No, I can do it" so knowing that he was going to fall I let him do it and watch him fall.

I think we are like that with God at times. God is telling us to take a hold of his hand so we don't fall and we tell him that we can do it so he allows us to try. We try to live life on our own and we fall. Its not that God doesn't love us or He leaves us. It is that we want to be able to do it ourselves and we can't. God already knows that we can't be he has to let us see it for ourselves. One day we will learn and we will take his hand and let him help was. Until then we will just keep slipping and falling.

Thought from the Prince

I caught the end of the fresh prince this morning as I was watching my nephew play with his legos. It happened to be one of my favorite episodes. It is when Will's dad comes to visit and then leaves him again. It always makes me tear up. This time I was thinking about people leaving people and not just father's leaving their children.

Why are we always afraid of people leaving us? I know for a long time I hated it when people left me. They could care so much for me but if they moved away from me then they abadoned me. For a long time I had a hard time leaving others cause I didn't want to abandon them. I finally realized that I need to physically move but I wasn't abadoning of leaving them. I still care for them and it is such a more selfless care then before.

I look at my nephew and watch him build a tower. He is so adorable and I see how he is being raised without both of his parents and just like Will I can see him asking someday " why don't my parents want me?" He is going to wonder what he did that caused them to leave him. what am I going to say if he asks me that question?

As I thought about it this morning Why don't we care that God's wants us. We always want to be wanted by others but we never stop to think about the Creator of the World wanting us, loving us, and just wants to take us in his arm and spoil us.

The God that gave Jordan his talent. The God that gave Ravi Zachrias or Einstein there intellect. The God that gave Princess Diana and Patrick Swayze their looks. The God that created a big huge ball of fire to keep us warm. God loves us so much and wants to be a part of our lives and he will never leave us or abandon us. So when my nephew asks me why his parents don't want him. I will tell him that it doesn't matter about weather his parents want him or not because God wants him and that is all that matters.

It was hard for me to be content with that but then I realized that God created all the people that I wanted to be wanted by so he will know the needs I was trying to meet by them and he will be able to do a better job.

More songs

This is how I so view my friendships.

Songs for you

I heard these songs and I thought of you. you can do it. I have told you before you will impact this world in a great way

Leaning on God

I am learning to lean on God more and more . My counseling session got canceled again and i am a little frustrated with the whole thing. I know that things have came up on boths sides that has caused it to be canceled. I just want someone to talk to that is someone that I can trust. ever since I left florida I am learning that there aren't many people that I can trust. Coming back to Indiana and talking to people here I am disagreeing with what they are telling me. These people don't really know what has happened in the last couple of months. So it is hard to talk to them about my issues because they don't focus on my issue of dependence but they focus on the people in my life. Anyway since I haven't had counseling and I am tired of feeling like I can't talk to other people because they just keep telling me that i am lost and i can't see straight because i am so lost in my dependence which tha angers me. I am learning that I need to seek god and ask him. I need to start having relationship with him and talking to him about it. So as I was asked today a question that I have been stirring on for a while now I am starting to learn that It doesn't matter what people say or what they think it only matters on what God says and what he thinks. I am learning to lean on him and let him tell me what I need to do. When I do that I don't worry as much and I am ready to take on anyone.

Obedience

I was working on my character study on obedience and I came across this article so I thought i would post it .

http://www.allaboutfollowingjesus.org/obedience-to-god-faq.htm

Good

Have you ever had so many people trying to tell you what you need to do and and you know that is not what your heart says? However they just tell your being lied to and that you need to stop believing that because its not true and you are being decieved? SO i lay here in bed wondering and asking God to show me they truth because I know there has got to be some truth to what I am thinking and feeling and I can't just stop believing. I know there is good because there is good in all of us and I have seen the good and i can't deny it.

that person

Have you ever had that one person that you know you could go to for advice? Its that person that you trust with your life. What do you do when you can't go to them anymore for advice?

We are on the same team

This phrase has been in my head ever since its been told to me. Its been about two and a half weeks ago but I have kept thinking about it and it has been something that has helped me make so important decisions in my life. Anyways it came back to me yesterday when i was at church and then this morining after i recieved a email.

I really like the phrase because so many times we tend to want to fight and blame things on others and want to see who is more christlike. All we are doing is fighting with our teammates and we aren't getting anything accomplished and the other team is winning the battle. The email i got this morining really encouraged me because even though we might not be able to be close to or around certain people we are all on the same team and sometimes we might have to make a sacrifice for the team but its all good because our captain will never lead us astray. By making that choice i have seen growth in others and in me.

So before you decide to point fingers at another christian brother or sister or want to gossip and tear them down just remember that they are your teamate and instead of point the finger or bashing them how about coming along side them putting your arm around them and point them closer to our Captain.

Never Let Go

Okay, so I am not usually this vulnerable on here or I haven't been writing with the thought that a certain somebody would read this. ( its be really freeing being able to not worry or care who is reading this) but tonight I am honestly writing this and praying that someone is reading this. Yeah I could email them but even though it has to do with them its not completly about them.

I was hanging out with a friend today. we spent the day going to church and watching movies. All day today I had one friend in mind and everything I was doing I thought about them. While I was at church today I was talking to a lady there and she was telling about the kids that she picks ups and brings to church. They need guidance and people to love on them. I can do that.

When I was watching movies today I thought about my life and people in my life. I watch The guardian and The story of Ron Clark. As I watched the guardian I caught the ending song called Never let go. Through out the movies you see how people don't give up on people. You see how Kevin Costner takes Ashton under is wings and helps him through his struggle. As I sat in my friends room listening to this song I just thought how even though i am no longer around this person and people will never understand or get it but i will never let go completly. It goes beyond my dependence. I will admit it was not good for me to be there and I had to let go of some things for my own mental health and spritual health but there is still a part of me that really cares and will always care about my friend as a person and I will never let go. I will always be there whenever she needs me. Whether it be just a text to say hey or a phone call crying out for help I will be there. People always wonder why I can't just let go of friendships or friends. I think about it over and over and I don't have a great answer. the only thing I got is because deep down inside of me i know that they are worth it and i will never let go of something that has value. here is the song that I listened to hope you enjoy.....



YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!!!

Tougher then I thought

So I was thinking today how it seems so easy but when I finally settled down and am lying in my bed with nothing but me and God, I find myself hurting and doubting and missing my old life. I find myself wondering what she is doing or if she thinks about me. I wonder if we could ever have a healthy relationship. I wonder if I will ever be able to get a good job and a place of my own. I wonder what God has planned for me. When I was in my meeting yesterday I was told that it is going to be hard to get through this but with time things will get better. I was asked if I thought there would be a time in my life where I could completely out of my life. I don't think I could and honestly I really don't want to. Given I am still working through all of this, I know that I have a honest pure caring about her and I do want the best for her.

These past couple of nights though have been really hard for me and as strong as I try to be God knows that it is something very painful that I am going to have to go through but as long as I keep being honest with myself and others I will eventually get through this. I also know there are some things that I am going to just miss forever and it is ok to miss them because they were good things and when you hang out with someone for a long time you will experience some good memories and those are to be cherished. So even thought this adjusting thing is harder then I thought it would be it will only get easier.

Grace, Freedom... WOW!! Its amazing

Today was amazing!! The grace and freedom I have been experiencing today was just amazing. I finally got to go to Grace and visit with some people there and I really enjoyed it. I have told some of my friends that I would be up there on Friday cause I had a meeting and thought we could catch up for a little bit. Hanging out with and seeing how much grace people gave me was just so overwhelming.

All I kept thinking was the choice that I made in life I would take a second look at me but not these people. They were just so encouraging and came with arms wide open. I think all of them kept telling me how glad they were to have me back. All I kept thinking was all the things I regretted and they would look at me and be like don't regret it, God had you there for a reason and he used you. It like at times when I think i messed up and screwed up God shows me that we all have issues and that is why there is Grace. Grace is so amazing!!!!

As I was talking to everyone I didn't bother looking at my phone. It was such a freedom to set my phone aside and to be able to look in my friends' eyes and really care about them. Such a freedom to be able to make my own choices and not worry about what other people would think. ( sidenote... It is so interesting how we tend to think that we know what other people are thinking. I mean I really struggled with that and I am sure if I would asked her what she was thinking at that time she would totally be thinking about something completely different. but i so thought i knew and it held me back).

It was so amazing to me the conversations I had with my friends. I was able to be open and honest with one of them. I could bring up things and admit things without feeling akward or judgemental. She then opened up to me and started telling me about her life and we both knew that we have issues and sooner or later our sin does catch up with us and it did with the both of us.

The coolest thing about today was being able to protect others. That was one thing that I was so scared about today was that people would start talking and I would start talking but it wasn't like that at all. I was able to be open and honest but yet protect and change the subject or let people know that I still care about her and I am not going to go there and they were accepting of that.

God really showed me how awesome and blessed I really am to have friends that still let me be apart of there life even after I have continued to screw them over . I just couldn't stop thinking about it and I still can't. I am so thankful for them and the encouragment that it has given me.

Expectations, Motives, and More

I got a email the other day that asked me what i was expecting from them and what my motives were. That led me to think about that last night. It made me realize how free I am now that I moved back home. Once I gave up trying to get people to care about me or love me and just accepted that they will either love and care about me or they won't I gave myself a sense of freedom. I no longer have expectations or motvies. Before I spend most of my day wondering what I could do to get someone to show me that they would accept me. It was tiring and most of the time it didn't work for me. By doing that it build lies in my head that made me to keep doing things because I was afraid if i stopped then our friendship will stop. Now I don't have that worry anymore. I am now able to love freely. It is so much better and i am not living my life in bondage anymore and i can start being me and doing things I want to do. Let me tell you it feels so amazing. Its like tons just came off of my back and I am able to truly love and care for people.

I am still trying to get use to this weather. I just got back and I already caught me a cold. I really haven't been outside since i came back from my sister's house. I did go hang out with a friend Monday night. But other then that I have been enjoying the inside of my house.

I have to say that I love my nieces and nephews so much. they are so cute and i don't really have a favorite anymore. They are all my favorite and I can't wait to be able to see Brody bowl and hang out with Kyndra. DJ has been such a help around the house and he is so cute that you just have to laugh when he tries to help do a job that is bigger then him. I haven't got to see much of Makayla but I am sure that will change.

I woke up to an email this morning that Resetter Printer commented on my blog. It was a reall comment but it is weird that a printer company is commenting on my blog. i can't complain though they really like my blog but I just found it a little akward that it came from a company

I was talking to a friend the other day and was telling her how i am experiencing something that I have never experience before. I am living in a freedom and peace but yet I am hurting. That is the best way that i can explain but it is so weird.

K I am going to go hang out with Dj for a little bit.

2008 is going to be a great year

I am sick and so I have been laying around spending time thinking about life. I have been thinking about the past, present and future. I thought about a story that a friend told me about how he was dumped by his finace because he didn't have money and how she is now on welfare. I thought about how sometimes the greatest sacrifice is letting go. I have thought about how much I have lost out on because of the one thing I kept trying to gain. There is so much that I have thought about today. The one thing that has been on my mind is how many people that I have in my life that truly do care about me and love me. For a long time I kept telling myself that there was only one person who truly cares for me and now I am see that there are so many people that really care about me. There are people in this world that I will always love and care for and they will always have a piece of my heart. There are people out there that I have hurt and they have hurt me. Some of the people have gone on and went down a road of destruction and other have grown in tremoudous ways. God is showing me that I belong to him and this is going to be a season where I get to really know him and his greatness. On another blog that I write on I remember reading that 2008 is going to be a great year. Its only Feburary and so much has happened where i could say that this year has been ruined but I think that isn't true. I really think that this year is going to be a great year, a year of change.

One tree hill

I love to watch one tree hill because there is so much stuff i like to ponder. Tonight Peyton decided to do the hardest thing she would ever do. She let Lucas go. Given that is a different relationship than what i have been dealing with but have you ever had to let someone go? I was so with Peyton tonight. I can't say goodbye to people it is so hard for me to let friends go but sometimes in life that is the best thing that you can do. Loving someone doesn't mean that you get to be there with them or share in their life sometime it means that you need to leave there life because it is the best thing you can do. For me i think it was the best thing i could have done. This doesn't mean that you can't be there for them if they need you or come back to you but it does mean that you need to paint your own story and know that they will paint theres and the we need to be ok if we aren't in there story anymore. Anyways there is a song that reminds me of this so i added it on here. It is a song that mean alot to me. It is a very special songs

40 years in the wilderness

Have you ever felt like you were the Israelites and you have been wondering around in a wilderness for 40 years? Well it hasn't been 40 years for me but while i was looking for some pictures of my brother i came across a journal from my sucess class i had to take my freshmen year in college. I was looking through it and i didn't really like what i read in there. I had these big hopes and dreams for my life after college. I wasn't suppose to be living at home. i was suppose to be out changing peoples life, traveling the world and loving life. I noticed how some things in that i read in there are still the same and that wasn't cool to see it because things that i knew were true then I accepted and didn't bother changing. Now I am 24 years old living at home, back at start wondering what i want to do and knowing that this time I am going to do it God's way because doing things my way caused me to lose things in my life that meant so much to me. Things i would probably still have if i would have followed God. So it hasn't taken me 40 years but it has taken me 24 and I am glad that i can start getting out of this wilderness and starting to live a God fulfilled life.

God blesses and more

I can't believe that it took me this long to listen and obey what God was telling me. I have fought him for a long time. I finally give up and listen and I see how lives have been changed and people seem so much happier and content. It has been hard for me to be at home but I have to admit that I have a peace that I haven't had for a long time. I know this is where i am suppose to be. Moving back here was a hard thing for me to do but God blessed me with encouragement and strength from a couple of friends. when i have a hard time i know i can call up one of two friends and all i have to say is i need some encouragement cause i am really struggling right now and they will let me know that things will be all right. The other day I was talking with someone and I was telling her that I know this is what God wants me to do and the hardest part is that people don't know everything that i was dealing with inside me or they just don't get it and they think I made descisions based on them. this friend told me that sometime God is the only one that understands and that is ok. I am glad that when no other human being gets what is going on inside us that God does. It is amazing to be able to go to him and let him know the how you hurt because of things that you said or did that you wish you could take back or how much you wish other people would understand. Or how you he gets you when people just don't get you. I am so glad i can just share my struggles and thoughts with him or i can just cry to him and he is there to let us know that things will be ok. I am learning how amazing God is. Sometime he has us do things that make no sense to us so we can't explain them to someone else when we don't even understand it but he understands it and that is all that matters. I am seeing alot of good things happening and I am looking forward to more.

Fri to sun

So much has happened since friday. I woke up friday morning in florida and went to sleep in Indiana. Since I sat down at the airport I haven't stop asking God why do I need to be at home. I don't want to be here and its been hard being here. I know I needed to leave Florida but I don't know why God wanted me to come home. I am slowly starting to see that i need to invest in my family and spend time with them. This is hard for me right now because I don't really want to be bothered by them. When i was at my sisters this weekend I noticed that I have a hard road to walk. I didn't realize how bad my dependence was until I went into Krogers to grab a frozen pizza and My eyes went straight for jack's pizza. i could not take my eyes off of it. It is good pizza but it reminded me of a friend and once that happen i started getting sad and wonderng what in the hell am I doing. Wondering if i did the right thing. Wondering who is going to be my source of encourgement. Who will be the one that will accept me for me. Who will I watch movies with? Who will i be able to laugh with and joke with? Going on with the weekend reading emails and getting upset at things that were happening. Going out to eat and seeing a huge thing of mac and cheese and having these thoughts flood my mind again. It hit me that there are alot of things that i am going to have to accept. There are somethings I am going to have to change. The thing that hit me hard was how much I already miss my florida and everything down there. It hit me how much i care about her and really want the best for her. I know we weren't helping each other grow towards God while i was down there so I knew it would be better if I left and God has been telling me that I needed to come home. I have questioned it and wonder if it was really God because why would he want me at a place that i don't want to be. I finally listened and I came. Like I said alot has happened and I don't know why I am here but I know this is where i am suppose to be and I know God is with us and has us in his hands and I need to allow him to work in all of our lives. Its just been three days but it has been a hard three days. A friend told me today that the is the hardest it will be it will only get easier from here on.

I just like these

Here is another one that made me think about things and i just like puttings these on my blog so enjoy.

I'll Be

I have made some decisions in my life that are going to change alot of things . I have been thinking about them and the people in my life that have made a huge impact on me. Seasons come and seasons go and so do friendships. Anyway I have been thinking about my friend and wondering where things are going to go and so i thought of this song and wanted to put it on here for her. Thanks for being there when i needed you.

Gracia Burnham

I was looking at the chapel schedule at Grace College and I notice that Gracia Burnham is coming to speak there in March. That is so exciting. I am so there. After reading her story it is cool that i will be able to meet her. It is even cooler because it is on a wednesday and I have to go up there anyways so maybe i can just spend the day up there. Hopefully i will have some sort of transportation by then.

Could God be talking....

Have you ever felt like you were suppose to do something and you kept trying to forget about it and move on and it just wouldn't go away? Was it something that you never thought you would do and you just don't get why you feel like that is the right thing to do? Is it also a hard thing to do? Could that silent little voice that doesn't let you push it away or forget about it be God? Could God be trying to give you instructions on what he wants you to do? I have been wondering that lately.

The Body of Christ

I have been learning so much lately. It is so cool how God can take on inccident and teach you so many things from it.

One thing that has been on my mind and I have been learning is how we all put into other people's lives for different reasons. omk* (O my knowledge). Just like we are all different parts of the body of Christ we are all different parts of people's lives. God puts us in each other's lives to carry out certain deeds. Some of us are used to help each other grow to be better people, some of us are used to show people to have fun, (*other higher elephants than dumbo.) others are used to challenge us and others are used to just to listen to us. We are have a different purpose in each others lifes and we need to be content with that.

I am slowly learning this lesson and I will admit, some days its hard to be content with it but God made us uniquely for a purpose and He knows best.

*Friendly vistor wanted to write

Tolerance vs loved

Tolerance says, “You must approve of what I do.” Love responds, “I must do something harder;
I will love you, even when your behavior offends me.”

Tolerance says, “You must agree with me.” Love responds, “I must do something harder; I will
tell you the truth because I am convinced ‘the truth will set you free.’”

Tolerance says, “You must allow me to have my way.” Love responds, “I must do something
harder; I will plead with you to follow the right way, because I believe you are worth the risk.

Tolerance seeks to be inoffensive; love takes risks.

Tolerance glorifies division; love seeks
unity.

Tolerance costs nothing; love costs everything.

Will you tolerate or will you do something harder and Love

I just want to "fix" it

Have you ever had that earning to "fix" things? You see something is not right or its broken and you want to "fix" it.

I am like that and I have learned a great lesson trying to "fix" things. I am always wanting to "fix" people and relationships. Tonight as i was watching a show the mom just wanted to "fix" things for her son. Afterall she is his mom and she was suppose to be able to "fix" things.
Growing up I have I saw my mom act the same way with us. She was always wanting to "fix" things that we did.

Lately I have been learning that this world is a broken world and we weren't made to "fix" it. It is not our job and when we try to "fix" we could just be making things worse. So lets let God do his job and we can relax and trust in him.

Humility

Wanting to become the person that I have always thought about being I thought that I would look at different characteristic traits and see what they look like. One characteristic that i would love to have is humility.

So many times we want to live out something that we don't even know what it really is or what it looks like so before i applied it to my life i decided to check it out. With a help of a friend we decided to take a week and learn about humility this is what we have learned.

"Humility does not mean you think less of yourself. It means you think of yourself less."

Humility: The quality or condition of being humble (Dictionary.com)Humility: A prominent Christian grace. It is a state of mind well pleasing to God; it preserves the soul in tranquility and makes us patient under trials. Christ has set us an example of humility. We should be lead thereto by a remembrance of our sins and by the thought that it is the way to honor and that the greatest promises are made to the humble. It is a "great paradox in Christianity that makes humility the avenue to glory." (BibleDictionary.com)

Humility & PrideProverbs is direct and forceful in rejecting pride. The proud attitude heads the list of seven things God hates (6:16-17). The harmful results of pride are constantly contrasted with humility and benefits.

** Proverbs 11:2 "When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom

There are so many times in our lifes that we want to safe ourselves. We want to be known and heard. At the end of the day it is natural to think about ourselves. When trouble hits we want to safe ourselves. When words fly and people say some not so nice things we naturally want to strike back and defend ourselves. Why?

Because we have pride and we don't want to some one to think less of us. We don't like to be looked down upon.

1 Peter 2:23 says that when they hurled their insults He did not relatiate, when he suffered he made no threats, instead he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. I really like this verse because i am just the oppisite. I am constanlty defending myself, so desperatly wanting people to know who i am. As i read this verse Jesus didn't care what they did or what they said because he knew that God was the Judge and he will bring justice. It allows me to relax and know that i don't need to defend myself when people want to say thing or think things. They might be right and they might be wrong. God already knows and that is all that matters. If they want to know what my thougths are they will ask.

Humility, something that is so hard to live with these days but something that is so liberating to have.

I am so excited to learn about perserverance this coming week.

God knows..

This is a continuation of yesterday's thought...


Do you have those people in your life that you wish they would see you? They are the ones that you want to be encouraged by or you would love for them to acknowledge the things you do. They are the people in your life that you would die for but they just don't seem to notice you. Yeah they see you in physical form and they talk to you and might even be your friend or relative but they don't see anything past that.

We are so desperate for them to see us sometime we do things out of our norm just to get there attention.

I was watching a show and there was a girl that hurt another girl because she wanted a guy to notice her and not watch the girl her had his eye on. We know it stupid and wrong to do things like that but we are so desperate for there attention and love that we do things like that.

Or we will do anything to try and meet there approval and we get so upset and frustrated when we don't meet there expectations that we put on them.

I have noticed this alot these past couple of weeks. As i am looking around at my friends and just everyday normal people I see how we go and do something for someone hoping they will see us and when they don't do what we hope for we get hurt. We cook dinner or clean the house hoping our mom will come home and see how well of a job we do. Instead she comes home and starts wondering who made the house such a mess. We spend so much time wondering what we can do so we are seen by them and then we try it and it never works. We are always invisible to them. We can't give them what they want or what they are looking for. They are too busy wanting someone else's approval that they don't stop to see us.

I have been in both spots and because of it i have missed out on some great things. I wanted certain people to see me so badly i wanted them to acknowledge me and while i was so busy trying to get them to see me i was not seeing other people who were saying "Dottie, look at me I am here for you, I care about you. I want to know you. I was so busy trying to get certain people to see me that i even looked right past God. I didn't have him and many others on my radar screen because they weren't the people i wanted to be noticed by. ( besides i already knew they cared about me so i knew i didn't have to try).

So many time we wear ourselves thin trying to become visible to people and we lose out on other people in our lifes and we lose our focus. We do do do to get get get and when we don't get we get frustrated. I have learned that we are not invisible to God and we need to just do because we care and don't expect back. God knows our hearts and that is all that matters.

I am slowly learning this and its not easy but I am learning it is so renewing and liberating when we can just give from our hearts and know that we care and love them and we don't expect back.
They might not see it or notice us but it is ok because we aren't looking for that any more. God sees us and we can just love them for who they are.

Church In the Park

Today at church in the park and on the way home i had some thoughts running through my head so i thought i would post them.

The pastor that spoke today said that sometimes we just need a friend to face our fears with us. When he said that I thought how I wish I could be that friend to some people. After thinking about that I thought how i would like certain people to be that friend to me. I wondered who would let me be that friend and would they allow me to be that friend to them.

Then as I was talking and waiting to go I started thinking about how there are people in this world that we see everyday and we see them hurting and in a need of something and you want to help them and be there friend but they don't want that from you. Wonder how many people have tried to help me and be there for me and I said no because i didn't think they could help or they weren't the person that i wanted. Its like they can help you but you can't help them. Why is this?

This is something that got me thinking today and just is something i am going to have to watch to make sure i am not doing it any more and as far as others something i am just going to have to accept.

This is where i am at in my life.

Wine into Water

Monday my Dad will have been sober for two years. this song is a song i can see my dad singing

My Dad

This is a song for my Dad, I am so proud of the man that he has became. No one thought that he would ever change. When he decided to make a change in his life and give up drinking he had no one behind him but he still decided to stop and it has been two years so this is for my dad.
This song is one of my Dad's favorite songs . Keep listening to that voice

I am proud of my DAD

I just learned how to put videos on here and I am so excited!

I am so excited for my Dad also because this year he will have been sober for 2 YEARS!!!

There were many people out there that kept telling me that he wouldn't last and he has tried before and he will eventually go back to drinking. Over these past two years my dad has taught me alot. One thing that I have learned from him is to never give up or give in. I have seen my dad from having nothing to having his life back and it is amazing to me.

I am not who I was

A friend told me that this song reminded him of my previous post. I listened to it and I would have to agree. It reminds of another friend of mine looking back 10 years from now

The kind of person

Yesterday I went up to Sarasota to talk to someone about an inccident that has been going on for a couple of weeks now. When Iwent up there I had a completely different picture of what was going to happen then what did happen.
As I was coming back I had a chance to talk to my friend and as Ihave been thinking about what kind of person i am I have realized I am not the person I want to be. I always thought that I had this friendship thing mastered and I knew how to be a friend but yesterday changed all of that. I have learned that there are things that I do that isn't respectful to my friends. I also learned that my friends protect me.
So I got home yesterday and I started writing down some questions and thoughts and decided that I am going to work on changing who i am to the kind of person I want to be.

This is the kind of person I want to be:

• I want to be honest. I want to live my life so everything I do and say is something I won't be ashamed of or tempted to hide from anyone in my life.
• I want to be simple with my words. I am one that talks too much. I have learned that when I talk I tend to talk to much. After I am done talking i don't even know what i said because I said so much.
• I want to think before I speak.
• I want to depend more on God. Something this past couple of weeks has taught me is that i go to my phone more then I go to God. I want to be ok sitting in trials and knowing that God is right there with me.
• I want to fear God. I have learned that I fear man more then I fear God.
• I want to love people for the simple fact of who they are.
• I want to be patient. I have been learning that some people take longer to do things then I do. I want to respect that and be ok when something can't be "fixed" right away.

These are things that I have been thinking about and how I am going to work on them. I know that this will be a process and I will need accountability for them. I am glad that I am learning more about myself and I can't wait to see how different I am in a year.

things I have learned

Today i learned that I am a savior. I am always wanting to help the people i care about and don't like it when they help me. I learned that i never tend to my own needs whether it be me tending to them or anyone else.
I learned that i really don't trust God because if i did then i would let hime take care of his people instead of always butting in and trying to make someone better or help someone stop hurting.
I learned that I am not vulnerable with people. Yeah i share some things but i don't share the scary things.
I learned that i am scared to be honest with people because if i am honest then i will be abandoned.

There was alot of stuff i learned about myself and one thing that i learned was i need to start to focus on myself and get my needs met. I need to bask in God's love and let other people love me. I also need to let go of trying to make other people stop hurting and trust that God will take care of their needs. Afterall he did create them and he knows them better then anyone else.

SO WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH THIS KNOWLEDGE:

I am going to embrace lives opportunities and start accomplishing what i want to do.

I am going to let God show me his wonderful love

I am going to allow others to meet my needs

And the hardest one of all, I am going to give God his place back and start trusting him that he will help and love those that I deeply care about and just want the best for them.

After all there is only one true Savior and I am not him

Relational Masks Quotes

" Real love isn't syrupy; its scary"

" The stronghold in our lives are irrational and inconsistant,but we are committed to them none the less"

"Christians cannot live a life that pleases God unless the develop a passionate sense of hate"

Looking Back

I decided to go back to my site that I had before I got this one. I was reading over my life and things that went on. It was good to read some of the entries that i wrote because they gave me encouragement for who I am and what things is life i am passionate about.

I saw lessons I learned that i totally forgot about. One of the entries that i wrote was why people always want to run away. It reminded me of how we like to make messes in our lives and then skip out on them and not clean them up. There is so many times i want things to be over with but I stuck them out and i am glad I did.

Another one reminded me of what true friendship is.

I even read about how my brother got picked up for dealing drugs. Its been about a year since that happened.

Others i read reminded me of th fun i had or things i was scared of.

Looking back and seeing where i came from encourages me to keep going. I can see God's hand at work and helps me to have hope and face another day. Lets me be able to say Maybe today is the day every day til that day comes. that will be such a glorious day:)

Realization

Have you ever thought you knew something then you realize that you didn't know as much as you think you did. That happened to me last night. Iam messing around on my computer cleaning things up ( old emails, documents etc.) and as I was doing that I was reading through them. As I was reading them it hit me hard exactly what I did to my friend when I lied to her.

To me I lied and I confessed, I knew I needed help and I thought that she would forgive me and help me with my problem. But as time kept going on and she hasn't wanted anything to do with me I now see why or at least I think I do, i could and might be completely wrong.

I was someone that she let into her quality world, she trusted me and I was some one that she was close to. She doesn't let many people into this part of her life because when she has before she has gotten hurt by them. Well when I confessed that I had lied to her. I confessed to her that i comitted the number 1 thing she can not stand or tolerate.

By doing this I cause alot of damage in her life,
1. reaffirmed that people she gets close to hurt her
2. cause her to doubt all other relationships
3. made it so she started putting up walls and not trusting people

As I kept thinking about this I could feel my heart get tighter and tighter and it just hurt so bad. I never thought I would ever hurt a human being as much as i hurt her.

This morning I was laying here in bed thinking what happen to me to make me do this. I knew all of this. We talked about how she doesn't like liars before, and how she has a hard time letting people in cause she doesn't want to get hurt. I told myself that i would never do that to her and I tried to play God for her. I was on a mission to show her that i truly do care and I will never hurt her. While i was doing this i was stretching myself thin because even though i think i can play god I can't because i am not him, I am just Dottie and all I can be is a screwed up human being in need of a savior just like everyone else. I started becoming selfish and the friendship aspect started to become more to me the the actual person. Thats when that lies started to happen.

So as i think and wonder why can't she just give me a second chance. I am willing to bet that it isn't that she doesn't want to, it is that she can't because of the fear that I might hurt her again. If i am capable of doing it once the i am capable of doing it again. That thought keeps her from risking it.

All of this going through my head makes perfect sense to me why she hasn't talked to me and why she wants nothing to do with me. It hurts me even more to know what i did. But it even helps me to hang out and wait it out because I truly believe that one day she will take that risk and walk out on the branch and I want to be there when she is ready for our friendship.

Until then I am continuing to change and become a better person. I am contiuing to grow and realize that i am not God nor will i ever be him.