Realization

Have you ever thought you knew something then you realize that you didn't know as much as you think you did. That happened to me last night. Iam messing around on my computer cleaning things up ( old emails, documents etc.) and as I was doing that I was reading through them. As I was reading them it hit me hard exactly what I did to my friend when I lied to her.

To me I lied and I confessed, I knew I needed help and I thought that she would forgive me and help me with my problem. But as time kept going on and she hasn't wanted anything to do with me I now see why or at least I think I do, i could and might be completely wrong.

I was someone that she let into her quality world, she trusted me and I was some one that she was close to. She doesn't let many people into this part of her life because when she has before she has gotten hurt by them. Well when I confessed that I had lied to her. I confessed to her that i comitted the number 1 thing she can not stand or tolerate.

By doing this I cause alot of damage in her life,
1. reaffirmed that people she gets close to hurt her
2. cause her to doubt all other relationships
3. made it so she started putting up walls and not trusting people

As I kept thinking about this I could feel my heart get tighter and tighter and it just hurt so bad. I never thought I would ever hurt a human being as much as i hurt her.

This morning I was laying here in bed thinking what happen to me to make me do this. I knew all of this. We talked about how she doesn't like liars before, and how she has a hard time letting people in cause she doesn't want to get hurt. I told myself that i would never do that to her and I tried to play God for her. I was on a mission to show her that i truly do care and I will never hurt her. While i was doing this i was stretching myself thin because even though i think i can play god I can't because i am not him, I am just Dottie and all I can be is a screwed up human being in need of a savior just like everyone else. I started becoming selfish and the friendship aspect started to become more to me the the actual person. Thats when that lies started to happen.

So as i think and wonder why can't she just give me a second chance. I am willing to bet that it isn't that she doesn't want to, it is that she can't because of the fear that I might hurt her again. If i am capable of doing it once the i am capable of doing it again. That thought keeps her from risking it.

All of this going through my head makes perfect sense to me why she hasn't talked to me and why she wants nothing to do with me. It hurts me even more to know what i did. But it even helps me to hang out and wait it out because I truly believe that one day she will take that risk and walk out on the branch and I want to be there when she is ready for our friendship.

Until then I am continuing to change and become a better person. I am contiuing to grow and realize that i am not God nor will i ever be him.