Looking Forward to 2008

There is about 3 and 1/2 hours before a new year has begun. As i think about what is ahead for me I am excited and i want to be able to look to God get into such an intimate relationship with him. I want to serve people. i have such a desire for it i just want the courage to go with it. I know that there are going to be hard times and i know there are going to be good times. In 2008 i want to lean on God and make him my main focus.

Get over it

I have been learning how to make my friendships simple and not reading into everything people do. I wish others could learn that also. Last night i learned that there are alot of people that still have expectation for me and when i don't follow through i get a look from everyone that says " you are not accepted because you are failing my expectations." Well i am over that and i am not planning on meeting anyone expectations. I am tired of feeling like i have to do what others want me to do and the way i see it if they don't like that i talk on my cell then don't ask me to come over. Some people are not phone people and some people are and i am a phone person. i just had to vent a little on here because it really bothers me.

Home

I have been home for a couple days and since i have been home I have visit many people and saw some familiar places. I have been away from Indiana for about six months so i am glad that I was able to come back and see my family and friends. It didn't take long to relize that I don't belong here. Things haven't changed. The minute i walked through the door at my house i took on the same roll that made me want to leave. When i went to visit the church that i belonged too it hasn't changed at all. There is no growth or progression. Going to Warsaw to vist friends just wasn't a heart warming feeling. I love my family and friends here in Indiana but i don't get excited like i do when i think about traveling or going to florida. I have grown so much since i have been gone so coming back a different person to a place that hasn't changed it a litte hard.
Sunday as i was sitting in church I swear I have listen to that sermon every year around Christmas. I didn't really listen to it because it was just so blah. I can tell that this is not the place for me. It is just so interesting that the place that most of your loved ones live is the one place you don't want to be.

Light the DARK! as Servants

The other night my friend text me around 3 in the morning (East coast time). The text read " Light up the Darkness". She had just went and saw a movie with friends so i thought it came from there but i wasn't for sure. As I read it I was blown away with the magintude of clearity it had for me. I couldn't sleep for the rest of the night. Every time i closed my eyes all i could think about was how I needed to Light the dark. Thoughts and Ideas just flooded my mine and I laid awake thinking about it. This phrase as become a passion for me and i have so many ideas on how we can Light the dark so i thought i would share them. Here is one way and there will be more to come.

As Followers of Christ we have the light and we are the only ones that are able to past this light on to others. one way to past the light on is to serve people. Don't do something with the intend of getting something back. Have a mindset of serving because you are told to serve and are able to serve. There will be times where you feel like you are getting walked on and it starts eating at you because it just doesn't seem fair. Just ask yourself Was it fair for Jesus to die for the sins i commited? That question has helped put me back in a place of serving. There are many other ways that you can light the dark but lets learn to serve together. This week i encourge you to find ways to serve others. Don't pick certain people to serve just randomly serve them just because you can. It is a great gift just to be able to serve people. I love to serve others and I know serving is a gift i have because when i can't serve or others won't let me serve them I can feel how i change and i don't like it. So this week lets LIGHT THE DARK by serving others.

Its A Wonderful Life

Tonight I went with a group of people to watch the play Its A Wonderful Life. I do have to admit that they play was very low budget and low quality. However the message i liked. I thought about all the people that I have came in contact with and how we have been changed because of that person. or how others have been changed because you. When I think about this there is someone that comes to mind. Coming in contact with this person as totally impacted my life. If they were never born I probably would have never graduated college, probably would have became like my family and given up hoping all together. Because GOD brought this person into my life I have been challenged and encouraged. I have done stuff i never thought i would be able to so i thank God for a wonderful friend.

thought

I was talking to my boss the other day on the phone and she was telling me how it is good to be challenged and i am going to grow because of it. As i was doing my show today a thought hit me. Why do people think they always know whats best for me? What if i don't want to be challenged in certain areas in my life. I find myself in places where i am comfortable and i like being comfortable. i hang out with certain people and choose to work with them because i like working with them. i like the way they work and their work ethic. this might not make since here but it does in my head and and am done letting people put me in places that i don't what to be in. it doesn't help my life any

The morning after

This morning i woke up to my stomach hurting and having to go to the bathroom really bad. After sitting on the throne for about ten min i felt better. The first words that Chris said when he came out of his room was that he just finished throwing up. yeah it was the ribs! I don't think they were cooked all the way through plus there was alot of fat. whatever it was the ribs didn't like us as much as we liked them.

Brighter Day

After Work I Got A Chance To Have A Little Alone Time In The Condo. I Was Reading My Book And Thinking About Life. I Started Thinking About Things That Get Me In A Sad Mood. While I Was Reading My Room Mate Chris Came Home With Some Ribs. We Threw Them In The Oven And While The Were Cooking We Busted Out Some Christmas Music And And Christmas Decorations And Started Decorating The Condo. We Don't Have A Christmas Tree And Are To Cheap To Buy One So We Used His Surf Board As A Tree. It Really Brighten My Day And Showed Me That I Can Have Fun With Other People. I Really Enjoyed It.

My head

this is just a little blurp to say i need to stop hitting my head on things. i have hit it at least once every day. I just don't get it but i wonder how many holes or bumps that would show if i were to shave my head.

Sit back and watch?

Image someone that means alot to you getting beaten to death as you sit there and watch because that is all you can do.
As I read about how God got the front row seat to watch his son get beaten then hung on the cross and all he could do his sit back and watch. He was angry and upset and probably wanted to step in but He knew the out come of this so he let it happen. That amazes me. I hate seeing people hurt especially people i car about. I am always stepping up and helping others so they don't hurt and can be comfortable because i love them. But I wonder if I would just sit back and watch and let them hurt or be uncomfortable for a little while if we would get to see something better in the future which would even show my love more? What would happen if we would sit back and watch?

Baptism

Tonight I will be getting baptized and there are so many things going through my head. I might be making it a bigger deal then it is or I might be giving it the right amount of attention. Either way it is something big for me and there are so many people that i wish could be there to watch. There will be three or four people that i know that will be there but it just isn't the same. Yeah i am glad that they will be there but there are so many more people that i wish were there. Its not about people being there and I am not doing for people and i need to remember that the God will be watching and that is the most important thing:) All that said I am looking forward to tonight and am glad i decided to look baptism in the face and study about it on break. Also my coworker is the randomness person alive and wants me to Blog how he is the coolest tech partner ever. I would have to say local guy tech ever

Whats Your View

As I am reading through the book Search for Significance I have been learning alot. Today I have been wrestling with how i view God how my view of him dictates how i ultimately view myself and how i view others. There are times when I feel like a failure to someone because I made a mistake and that person didn't like it and let me know about it. I then start feeling like a failure and that my value has dropped. This all stems from my view of God. How do you view God? How do you view yourself and others?

His place

There is so much going on in my head and i am having a hard time getting it out of my head onto here. I am really frustrated with myself because i have been trying to force people to take the role of God and meet the needs that only He can meet. I am at the point in my life where i just don't get it life any more. I try and try to please the people in my life that i care about. I go out of my way to do things for them with the expectation that they might tell me that they care about me. I know these people care about me (even on the days that i questioned in)but i hava to fight the thoughts that go through my head that i am a failure and if is don't do certian things then i won't be accepted. I am tire of fighting them. i am tired of doing things for others just to feel accepted. i know that i am already loved and accepted. I really want life to flow by and i just go with it and not feel like everything has to be ok for me to be ok.

Would you? Could You?

As i was reading my bible today i starting thinking about what Jesus did for us. Jesus died for his enemies! As i started to put this into perspective i asked myself if i would take the death penalty for a person who killed one of my family members? Would I die for someone who raped me? Could i give my life so that someone who beat me and abused me could live on and on forever?

This is what Christ did when he died for us. We are those kind of people and yet he still said Even though you hurt me, abused me, beat me, lied to me, stole from me, assaulted me, raped me, and killed me i still love you and will give me life for YOU!

what about you? Could you do that? Would you do that?

I was made by HIM for HIM

"When God considers you, does He decieve Himself in some way or does He know who you truly are? If He know who we truly are, then why do we preface His understanding of us with phrases such as "in God's eyes we are righteous" or " forgiven" or "loved" or " pleased" and so on? Are we trying to say that God is not living in reality? That He is somehow involved in self-deception? Is He just some old grandparent type who wants to overlook the faults of his grandchildren? Either He really know who you are or He doesn't. Playing with words thes way keeps us from experiencing the reality of who we are. It also dishonors who God is."

" If you think of yourself differently than God thinks of you, who is mistaken, you or God? How often do we allow our minds to overrule what God says is true? Keep in mind, you were made by God and for God. He has placed within you needs that only He can meet. If we try to have these needs met by another person or persons, we will end up frustrated, angry, and unfulfilled."

"If we know who we are, we will not try to become someone else in order to have value and meaning in our lives. If we don't know who we are, we will try to become someone who someone else wants us to be"

These are three quotes from the book i am reading called "Search for Significance". As i was reading them they all rang true in my life. God does see me as who i am and yet he is pleased and he loves me. I don't think like that as much as i should. Instead i go around trying to get other people to be pleased with me and I try to get them to meet the needs that only God can meet. By doing this i slowly become the person they want me to be and i stop being the person God created me to be.

Baptism and conviction

I just got off the phone with one of my friends. Lately i have been decided to ask my friends some hard questions and so i was asking the perticular friend some questions and she endedd up hanging up on me. I knew that she didn't like to hear what i had to say. After i got off the phone i started to think about how i have been looking into baptism and God does command it and by me choosing not to get baptized for whatever reason i am disobeying God. I think that in life we like to choose the answer that best suits us. We want to live an easy life and when someone stands up and says something hard and true we want to shy away from it. I know that i have always wanted to think of baptism as something we should do but it isn't a command. But i think it is a command and i need to obey the command and not worry about what people think about it but just do it because God commands it. the truth hurts sometime

I want to be just like......

Through reading and watching television today i started to think about how i have wanted and tried to be all kinds of different people. i rememember when elementary school when i wante to be just like Michael Jordan. When i got into high school i want to be just like Rudy Ruttiger. When i got to college i wanted to be just like my friends. i wanted to be smart and i wanted to like to read and get into the college thing. I still try to be or have the desire to be like other people. As i thought through all of this i realized that if God wanted me to be some one else he would have made me them but he didn't. He wanted me to be Dorothy Batta and he created me to have a relational side and made me who i am and i need to learn to want to be me. So i want to be just like Dorothy Batta because that is who God made me and i am the only one that can be me. :)

Substance

Does your relationships have any substance to them? i have had this question in my head for a while and i have been trying to avoid it and get it out of my head because i didn't want to answer it cause i knew i didn't want to me honest with myself. Today i finally gave in and looked that question in the eye and admitted that i don't have a single realationship with substance. When i asked my friend she said the same thing. But then a cool thing happened we decided to put substance in out friendship and i just want to say that God is so Good and so cool. HE KNOWS What he doing and its all way to cool what he has been showing me this past week.

I encourage you to ask the hard questions in life and you will be able to grow from them.

what i am thinking

Why do humans worry so much about what other people think about them? Why do we let other peoples actions and words dictate our thoughts and feelings about ourselves? i am really struggling with this myself lately. i have noticed how what other people say i take and create negative or postive thoughts about myself. It is so easy to do and the funny thing is it is harder to accept the truth and see myself as God sees me.

i heard a cool saying today and i am going to try and to remember it:

Watch your thoughts because they become your words
Watch your words because they become your actions
Watch your actions because they become your habits
Watch your habits because they become your character
Watch your character because it becomes your destiny

Dependency

God has really been showing alot with the last three weeks. i have been able to admit to i have a dependency issues. God has really opened my eyes and helped me to see that friendships are good and the ones i have he gave me as a gift. i just need to be able to let them be there own person and let me be my own person. We all have different personaliteis and we all like to do different stuff. I have noticed lately how i tend to get jealous, frustrated, and upset when things happen that make me insecure. i don't show them and i keep them inside because i know that they aren't healthy or a good thing so i jut push them way down inside and try to ignore them not let them be the base for my actions. i am really good at not always letting my feeling dictate my choices. i don't like it when these feeling start flooding in me and it makes me even more upset when they just sit in me and won't go away. I can just feel two consciouses going at it. I know that i don't need to be like this and everthing is going to be ok. i know at the end of the day the people i am afraid of leaving me will be there and will care for me. i know that they love me. i know all of that but the other part just keeps pounding into me that i am going to be alone that everyone is going leave me. the really cool part is i was able to talk to a friend and let her know that i do have this issue and i want to work on it and i don't know how. She just happens to be the one that i am dependent on and it is just so cool how she is really to help me work on it and give me people to talk to.
she is a really good friend and most people would probably say that you just need to drop them but i don't think that needs to happen i just need to be open and honest and work through it and things will get better. i know it is going to be hard but i know its going to be worth it all.

What makes us a women?

I just finished reading a book about women and their souls. as i was reading it yesterday while i was at a school that has six shows i was reading it outside and these two girls cames out. i am totally assuming this but i believe they were a couple. Anyways i started thinking about what makes us a women and i started thinking about my own struggle in life. We try to dress like a guy and some of us decided to live the lifestyle and date and some of us go as far as getting a sex change but by doing all of that does it change the core of who we really are? Does it give us different desires? Does it take the hurt and pain away? i couldn't help but think about how i was interwoven with my soul and no matter how i dress or the choices i make i am still me and i still have the desire to be loved and i still like romantic movies and i still like to cook and clean. We were all created to be women and no matter how "manly" we try to be we will always be a women and we will think like a women and we will have women qualities because we are women. i think you all should pick up the book that i read. it has helped me accept myself more for who i am. it is called Ruby Slippers by Jonalyn Fincher.

The "You better call your Parents" generation

Today i went with Chirs and Brian to the Verizon Store so Brian could get a new phone because his got broken last night. When we were in the store talking with the Verizon lady, brian mentioned how he was spending all of his money except for 15 dollars on an new phone and he will only have 15 dollars to last him the next two weeks. The first words out of the ladies mouth ( who was in her 20s) were you better be calling your parents. When she said that it hit me hard and i realized how our generation is all about calling our parents for money. Money doesn't grow on trees but our parents know where to get it and we know that we can get it from them. It is so true. So many friends that i have (including myself) go to there parents to get money and our parents give it to them. the most common way that we justify it is it can be a early christmas present or birthday present. who even said we get gifts this year. i was just amazed how our generation depends so much on our parents for money. What will we do when our parents are no longer with us?

Sad Day :(

Today chris, brian and I all headed down to Newport beach for the day. the two guys were looing forward to huge waves and alot of surfers. they were planning to had out bottles of water and moutain dews. I was looking forward to a nice Roly Poly wrap. When we got to the beach there were like 5 boogie boarders and they were all younger kids about middle school age and the waves her not that big at all. We staed there for a while and made it a fun time anyways then we headed off to got get lunch at Roly Poly and we get there to find them closed. i was sad. i went into the store next to them to see what their hours were and i find out they closed at 3pm. we got there at 4. we missed them by an hour. it was a sad day for me. But for the most part it was a cool time and we had fun. i did enjoy myself today although i don't think i will make this a habbit because hanging out with them was a little draining and i did come back and take a good nap which was good.

how many times does our mouth get us in trouble

Today i was at a school putting up the screens to get my show on the road and i had a couple of kids helping me. we were dong a camel which is where you fold the bottom part of the legs attach the screen and then pick the legs back up and latch them. i have been doing this for about a month now, anyways this teacher guy came up to me today and told me i was doing it wrong and that i needed to lay the screen down and attach the leg that way. i told him that i am doing it right but thanks for his help. All day i have been thinking about people who have no idea whats going on tend to think they know more then you on something. i thought about how many times have i done that and end up looking stupid at the end because i put my nose where it has no buisness being. i know i have done it plenty of times. At the end when i was tearng down the same guy came in and told us we had 30 min to tear down before pratice. i was like cool and got it done it like 15 20 min. he end up helping us a little bit at the end. before that he was talking to the janitor lady and i kept hearing the lady say i know that but here is where i am coming from. i wasn't really payinf much of attention so i could totally be wrong but it sounded like he seemed to be a know it all.

i won a bet today because someone try to tell me that Pennsylvania is 3 hours BEHIND California. Again they spoke to soon and they knew they did.

our mouth gets us in trouble so many times and some times it has bad consequences. i have been trying to think more before i speak and i have saved my butt alot by doing it

oooo SLAP!!!

Ok so i haven't been to church in quite sometime and its not that i am against it. i am just lazy and didn't feel like going and honestly i would rather hang with ashley then go to church. Well today Chris asked me to go to church and i told him no because 1. i need to do my bible study ( which i still need to do)
2. i want to read
3. i just don't feel like it
He was like bout time you be honest.

When tonight came around i was bored and wanted to do something and he was getting ready for church and so i decided that i would go. and it was amazing!!!

i walk in and it reminds me of a church i went to when i was at college. As i was sitting there i started thinking about people back in indiana that i miss. When the music started it was such a sweet sound to my ears. i kept thinking to myself wow i really need to be here tonight. i don't know but two people there but i realized tonight how much i need church. Just being there was so refreshing and it revived me.
and i haven't even got to the message yet

Tonight the guy talked about judging others and how we need to look at people through God's eye. it really hit me and made me think about the situation with a roomate and where i stand judging her and how much is me and how much is not. i know i struggle with people that haven't had a hard life. it gave me alot to think about and i am looking forward going tuesday and from there i will decide if i want to go on sundays or tuesdays. i am glad i went.

it was suppose to be relaxing

Wow two posts in one day i must be bored :)

there is so much on my mind i don't even know what to write or where to start. today has been a pretty exhausting day. i planned on just laying on the couch all day and relaxing and all i wanted to get done was my monthlys but that didn't happen because the boys end up comimg home from there concert and they wanted to watch 24 and falling asleep and so i decided to do my monthlys and i swear i was on my phone more today then i have been all week. if it was me calling someone to help with my monthlys it would be a friend that i haven't talked to in a long time so i would want to pick up and talk for a little bit but i couldn't talk for long cause i wanted to get my monthlys done. i finally got them done. then my roomate decided to tell me that she clogged the toliet and she would fix it later. then she came back in to inform me that she was going to go home because i won't let her into my life and wanted to know if i was offended and i told her i wasn't offended but she needs to fix the toliet before she left and i think i might have offended her because she looked a little mad. i know she wants to get to know me but honestly i told her about my struggle and that is huge that i told her that because i still have friends that don't even know about that so i told her the hugest thing in my life. Anyways she ended up going home and not fixing the toliet so now i will go in there and try to unclog it everyonce in a while but honestly it stinks so bad that i can't stay in there long. so now i am here all alone. it is kind of a good think but can also be a negative thing. well thats been my day.

Why can't i just hang with the people i want to hang with

i was coming home yesterday after a long day of doing 7 shows at a school and my co worker starting to ask me questions and talk a bout how she doesn't feel wanted because i would rather hang out with just ashley. Now i have to say that this really frustrated me and i kept most of my emotions inside because i knew i could have gone hay wire on her. here is the deal i can understand more when my friends that i have been friends for a long time come up to me and say something along those lines but i don't even really know this girl and honestly i don't really want to get to know her but that is besides the point. when she says that she is pretty much jealous of ashley or our friendship or whatever it is that is not my problem and i am not going to stop being ashley's friend to make her feel wanted. she told me that she had a friendship before like i have with ashley and it didn't work out. well i am sorry it happened that way but that is your life not mine and i am fine just hanging out with ashley while i am at camfel. that doesn't mean i won't hang or talk to anyone else here i just prefer chillin with ashley because i know i don't have to jump through hoops to please her or she doesn't spring some surprise on me that she doesn't feel wanted because i have weekly telephone dates with my other friends back home. why can't i just chill with the people i want to chill with.

Side note: i do not like MACs

i apreciate the little things in life.

Life is so weird at times. Since i have been in California i have been learning so much and growing so much especially in the last couple of days. Ashley went up north for a couple of weeks and since she has been gone i have realized how much i appreciate her. We haven't been away from each other for this long in a while but i have notice just small things that i miss and i really appreciate about her.
here are a couple:

1. her presence- just her being around makes life more relaxing
2. her honesty and bluntness- i am tired of having to try and read between the lines.
3 how she likes to grab food and take it back to the hotel or condo
4.her encouragement.
5. her logic-its so much simpler then some peoples
6. her taste of food
7. the fact that she likes to just relax.

there are just some and i have taken a lot of them for granted but i am thankful for them and hope that i have able to let her know that i appreciate those things about her because i am being stretched a lot and will be stretched for the next 2 and a half weeks. i can't wait till then

thoughts from the road

i have been traveling around the country ( mainly california for now) and i have the privilege of watching the same show over and over again. it has been making me think about how much middle and high school gets don't know and how they do have a lot of growing up to do. as i go into the schools to give them the presentation and when ashley and i get up to speak you can just see on their face that they think they know more than anyone else and i just wish it would click into their heads that they s

Errors

Last night as I was reading through some of my blog entries I realized that I have a lot of errors because I don't proof read after I am done writing. I thought I would write a blog today error free and that is including using capital letters. :)

As I was lying in bed last night trying to go to sleep all I could do was think about Jacob and what he would be doing if he were still with us. I know that it isn't true but one thing I wrestle with is, if God would have brought him back to us if I would have prayed and requested it. I am not saying that I am special in any way but if anyone would have requested it would it have happened. I think I am about the only one that has this thought numerous times and I keep telling myself that it is an error that I made and will learn from. Whether or not it is, I just wish I could get that one thought out of my head.

OK so I am going to stop and re-read what I wrote to make sure I did everything correctly.

Straight UP

So my friend blogged about accountability and i responded back to it and it led me to a question about myself. Why does it bother me so much when she gets upset? i don't understand why i get that way. When my friend Zito calls me up and starts talking about her problems to me i tell her straight up what i am thinking and i don't care if i offend her or upset her in anyway. i tell her like it is and sometimes it is something that she needs to work on and sometimes it is not. Same thing with my friend bekah i tell her straight up also but why can't i be straight up with the one friend that i would consider to be my best friend. here are some reason that i thought about and maybe i can find ways to get over it and stop being scared and start being straight up

1. I am afraid that she will stop being my friend.
I haven't figured out why i am so worried about that. Lately i have been thinking about it and it finally clicked that if i focused on God like i have foucused on my friend and our friendship then i would be doing great. i realized that i need to foucus on God and by doing that i won't care if she gets upset when i am honest with her and she gets upset. ( that last statement was the hardest thing for me to write)

2. I feel like i am waisting my time.
there are times when i tell her something and i get the impression that she can't really care less what i am saying to her. i don't know if that is true or not but that is what i percieve. now that could be true or it could be me and how i am percieving it. i need to realize that whether she care or not i still need to be straight up and honest with her because i am called to do that as one of her friends. How she responds to it is in her court and up to her.

Those are the only two i can think about right now maybe you can think of some. If i consider her to be my best friend then she should be the one that i am the most honest and straight with.

Domestic Partnership Affidavit

I recieved my insurance stuff in the mail today and i was totally confused. As i read through the papers i still didn't get what was going on so i called them up and asked them what these papers meant. i said" Hello i have these two papers in front of me and i was wondering what i am supposed to do with them. One say my Dorothy's benefits summary and the other say Domestic Partnership Affidavit". the guys relpies " the first one is just your summary and it is for your records and the second one is for you partner to fill out" i reply back a little confused " i am not gay" . This lead him to laughing which made me laugh becuase he could tell that i was really confused with that paper and he apologized and said that they probably put it in their on accident. i know reading this isn't as humorus has being there but it was funning to here that guy laughing because i was confused.

Panera thoughts

When i am at work there isn't alot of time that i am able to think about random stuff but i got that privilege the last two days while i was working. here is what i thought about.

1. As i was sitting down eating and enjoying my break i saw this lady that reminded me of my grandma. i spent my whole break watching her with her friends and thinking about my grandma. i started to wonder if my grandma knew i moved to florida, if she wish she could have saw me graduate, if she even knew i graduated, what was she up to. all these thoughts took me back to when i was younger and we got to spend the night with her and how we would play games with us. when it was time for bed she would either rub my feet or my back to put me to sleep. i really miss my grandma and i wish i would have visited her more often when i was in Indiana.

2. today as i was doing prep with tim we started talking about how people would steal meat. It eventually lead to talking about the cameras that they have in there. Jackie (the manager) was telling us how corporate can see what we were doing at this exact time. Here is a litte note for everyone that didn't know this The Corporate Office is in St. Louis. Which means that there is alot of technology and people that i have never met could be watching me. All this led to me thinking about how many cameras are out in our society watching us and we don't even know that they are there. So the next time you think no one is watching because no one is around think again :)

First place

i was reading my devotion journal this morning and i think God finally got through to me. As i was reading it i was also thinking about i feel like i try so hard to engage with people and show them that i truly care for them and i get nothing back. i don't know how many emails i have sent out that people just don't reply back to for one reason or another or phone calls that people haven't returned. Yesterday after i found out that my dad hasn't been keeping is word and hasn't been paying my college bill like he said he would, i just had all i could take. i feel like i am always trying and never getting the results that i want to get. so as i was reading this is what i learned
1. it sucks when you aren't in controll
2. Everyone that i want to love me God created them.
3. If i just put my time learning about and loving God the way that i learn about and love people them maybe i won't always feel like i am worthless and go unnoticed.
4. i need to put God back where he belongs. Back in first place

Yesterday

Yesterday, Ashley made this comment " we can pick up the movie because we will be going up there yesterday" she really meant to say tomorrow which would be today.
Yesterday that quote was funnier
Yesterday i wanted to blog about it but my computer was being stupid
Yesterday i got stupider because of listening to Ashley's brother at dinner ( ie funnier? stupider?)
Yesterday is now past and so now it is the day after yesterday and We are back to normal

Free

Is there anything that you like to do that give you the sense that you are free? What does being free feel like to you? I am asking these questions because I just finished watching Flicka and at the end of the movie Katie says that when she is riding Flicka it makes her feel free. I started thinking about what makes me feel free and with out a doubt it is when I am rollerblading. Especially going down a huge hill and you don’t know if there will be a car coming towards you and you can’t stop. Being Free is totally when you take everything out of your control and give it to God . When I am skating down a hill and I know that I am not able to stop and I am giving God all the control that I have . I spread my arms out and tell god Hear I am. Free as a bird take me and do with me as you please. My flesh is as scared as can be but my soul the part that God has complete control over is so calm and free. So I ask you what is something you do that gives you that sense of complete freedom.

Nadine hug

Today as i was walking into the bedroom i got the sense of how i crave a nadine hug. My freshmen year of college there was this girl on my hall who always gave th ebest hugs ever. After breaks when i would see her i would alway go up to her and get a hug from her and it really showed me that i was loved. we don't talk a whole lot anymore. i don't talk to alot of my friends anymore. i don't like it and it hurts but i will get use to it. to be honest i really wish it didn't turn out this way but life is life and that is the direction that it is going. we all grow up and grow differently. anyways this blog is for nadine. thanks for all those hugs that you gave me.

Maybe i was wrong

i have been in florida for about a month now and the one thing that i have realized more and more is that people only care about you when it is convient for them. i am learning what it is like to become a true friend and how a true friend sticks with you when you are the most unpleasent person to be around. True friends are ther with you through the good and the bad.

Last night i went to church to see some people and talk to them and i was really disappointed by the reaction i got. Now i know it isn't all about me and i don't want it to be but i would like to at least get a hi and talk a little to them. i also wouldn't like to get interrupted every freaken time i tried to speak. One of the main reason i went besides the fact that Ashley told me i was going because i couldn't make up my mind was because i wanted to get a book from keith and because keith told me to tell ashley that she has to go. So pretty much it was to see keith and he didn't even say one word to us. it gets frustrating.

It gets even more frustrating when your so called friends back home don't even seem to have time for you anymore. i understand that people get busy and i am not the one thing on their mind but why make a big deal about me or anyone calling or hanging out if they don't want to talk or do anything.

i know i haven't been a great friend to them the last year and a half and I have chose to choose to hang out with ashley most of my time that i have but in all honesty i am starting to think that i made a good choice.

all in all it just isn't something i am use to and i thought i had a better group of friends. anyways i am done talking.

Oberservations of the bible

Like i stated in my previous post i am reading through the bible. i am still in genesis and if i would have my computer right beside me as i was reading it i would have so many things to say because i have noticed a whole bunch of stuff that just makes me stop and ponder on it. i am going to try to remember some of the things that i wanted to write on here and that i thought about.

First of all Abraham totally says that Racheal is sister TWICE!. i could see him doing it once but he totally does it again. then his son does it also. i just laughed when i read that this morning. it is amazing how we don't learn from our mistakes.

Secondly i have found myself asking If God was only on Abraham's side? I ask this because that is the linage (sp?) that he used for Jesus and he says that he was but what about other people. does God love him better than the rest of his creation? Also if Abraham knew God was on his side why would he have to go and lie about racheal being his sister. i mean he has got the Creator of the world and everything in the world backing him up.

i don't know it just makes me think about so many things that i have to stop reading and just think about it.

Another thing is that God knew the Jacob was going to rule over Esau. Would you say that it was wrong of Jacob on how he went about getting the birth right? Wonder what God thought about that? these are the kind of things that confuse me because God knew it was going to happen and Jacob bribed Esau and even with rebekah and how she fooled Issac. Which i would think would be wrong and yet i feel like in God's mind it was all ok and that was the plan on how to get Jacob to rule over his brother. i don't know but it really confusing to me and just makes me think about it more and more.

k well i think i am done for now. i will blog more after i read some more.

just like us

So I have decided to read my bible all the way through because it is something that I have never done and thought now would be a good time to start. I am just reading it and not doing a lot of thinking with it but some things still jump out at me. Tonight when I was reading it I was reading about Abraham and Sarah and I have noticed more and more how they are just like us. I think that a lot of people including me think that the people of the bible are better then us and really they are not. They are just humans like all of us and they do and think that same old stupid stuff that we think. That is something that has struck me while I have been reading the bible. It has been good so far and I am enjoying reading it which is amazing because before I wasn’t enjoying it when I read it. I felt like I had to do it just because it is something I should and not because it was something I wanted to do. Now it is something that I want to do and I am enjoying reading the bible.

pay it forward

i got up this moring to go to the bathroom around 1ish and after that i had a restless sleep. i kept waking up because i could not get a thought out of my mind. i watched the movie pay it forward before i went to bed and for some reason i thought about how cool it would be to actually implement it in my own life. so my mind started flowing and i thought about how i could talk to dr manahan (Grace college president) and see if he would talk to dane miller( big shot at zimmer) and tell them both of my idea and see if dane miller would give my sister a job there along with her boyfriend so they can move to warsaw and start over. i even thought about telling dane how my sister smokes pot and ask him to give her a month to get it out of her system and also go and extra stretch and find her a place to live. pretty much give her a begining of a new life so she can start over and make better choices. it worked out pretty good in my mind but i quickly came back to reality and realized that people aren't like this and things don't go as perfect as i dream about them in my head. It would be really cool if things would go like that and we could do stuff for others that could truly change their life. if it were possible i would be so busy because i have so many people that i would want to help change their circumstances. hopefully they might pay it forward but i just wish i could actually do the things i think and dream about doing to make people's life easier for them.

Hold Please.

Recently i have been doing alot more reading then i have been when i was in school. i just finished reading " In the Presence of my enemies" which was a really good book. i really enjoyed it. The book i am reading now is called" On a hill too far away" by John fischer. Ashley chose it for me because she wanted to choose my next book so i told her she could and so she did. At first i didn't like it but now it is growing on me and i am starting to like it. it is forcing me to open my mind up and actually think about the cross. this book puts the cross right in your face and anytime i look at a cross i just think about what fischer is saying and my minds starts to go. The funny thing about is that i have gotten back into making the crosses that my dad taught me how to make. So i think about what the book is saying as i am making them.
I have recently been thinking about my relationship with Christ and how i tend to cheat him alot. the other day i was thinking about how if it wasn't for him i wouldn't be able to be where i am now. i was riding in the car coming back from somewhere how i treat him. Even today i was thinking about it. take my friend ashley for instants. i tend to stop doing anything when she wants my attention. if i am on the phone i will tell the person to hold on, if i am reading i will stop reading, if i am hanging out with someone else and ashley calls i answer it, if i am watching tv i will stop focusing on it and see what she wants. i will even tell god to hold on if she is trying to tell me something.Why do i do this? because that relationship is important to me and i care about her . Now if you were to ask me if i do that with chirst? yeah lets just not go there. sadly i just pretty much tell him later. i will do my devotions later. i will read the bible later or after i am done with this ( then i tend to still not do it). Also alot of times when i do my devotions i do them just to get it finished and i don't like it when other people do stuff just to do it and get it out of the way. So this is what this book as gotten me to think about lately and i really want to changed that. i want to tell the person of the phone to hold on a min because god is talking to me or shut off the tv because god is speaking. Now i do this with my other friends too i just happened to use her for and example because i live with her so i can see it happen more frequently then i can with others. this book has been hard to read but it has been convicting me alot also and that is something that i need.

An Update

i went to the beach today and i got to see dolphins which was really cool because i have never got to see them before and it was cool seeing them in the wild. i found alot of shark teeth also. i got sunburned too. i also saw a sea slug. as far as the beach that is all the fun i had there.

other then that i am still looking for a job. all i really do is sleep read watch movies and talk to ashouiqa.

Something that i have notices since i have moved down here is that i have lost contact with the rest of my friends. i am getting to the point where i just don't car anymore. they are always complaing to me that people never call them and yet they do the same thing. i think i am starting to accept the fact that they don't call and i am starting to get use to it. it seems like people want to keep in contact but they don't want to do the work they want the other person to do it. in a way it bothers me but i know before long i will have a job and i will have new friends to hang out with. i am glad that i chose to hang with the one friend i know i can count on to be there for me.

other then all of this i am not doing much.

Would you still be my Friend?

Lately Ashley has been asking me if i would still be her friend if she then she would fill in the blank with some outrageous thing. Some of her examples were things like ...if i went to the bathroom on your face, if i cut off your arm, if i pierced your abdomen with a knife, if i killed your family and other random things like that. My answer to all of them were pretty much yes you would be. given i would have alot to get over and she might not be my closest friend but she would still be my friend. One time i even asked her if she would be a friend if she did any of that.
All that to say i have been doing alot of thinking about friendships and how in a sense my loyalty to me friendships is like Christ's loyalty to us.
Once we accept christ he is in us and with us FOREVER and will NEVER leave us. this is something that we has humans just cannot fathom. We just don't get the fact that there is nothing we can do that will change Christ's decision on weather or not he would leave us. He said we are his and we will always remain his no matter what we do.
I have noticed how i treat my friendships the same way. There is only one thing that one of my friends can do that will not be there friend and that is simply ask me not to be their friend. that doesn't mean that i won't forever care about them but if that is what they truly want then that is what i will give them.
So in my own little way i know what Christ means when we are his forever and always.

Love bugs and more

I don't know how many people know yet but I moved to florida last week and I am enjoying it except for being jobless and these bugs called love bugs. They are annoying and are out by the thousands. One amazing thing about them is that they can have sex and fly at the same time. that is impressive. Other then that they are annoying because they won't leave you alone. The other day some flew into Ashley's hair. I guess they were on there honey moon and decided to spend their first night together in her hair. Ashley however wasn't to happy. She didn't appreciate them doing the you know in her hair so she took care of that and just killed them and took care of that problem.

Note: i just want to have it written down that ashley's wound that she gave herself is infected really bad and her mom just put gauze on it. she blamed the wound on me but she was the silly one that jumped in the pool with all her clothes on and got me soaking wet. :) i just wanted to blog about it before she did. she is now starring at me trying to get me to laugh and she suceeded.

k all that said i am finishied

what the future may bring

when i was in high school my friends and i would talk about what we were going to do after we got out of high school and moved on with our lifes. i had a friend in high school named jenny and we were best friends. i really truly cared for her and loved her. anyways she grew up in a family where she had to do all the house work and pretty much be the mom of the family. i always thought that she would make a good mother and a good wife. i told her that the man that marries her will be one lucky person. back then we talked about the furture or today as i am writing this and what i thought that future would bring is not what the furture brought. instead of being a good mom and a wonderful wife she is writing bad checks and sleeping with another guy. the way life turns out for people is just amazing.
i think back on life for me and i never thought i would actually live in another state but i am and even though trials may come and there will be rough spots in life i know that i am right where i am suppose to be. so now what ever the furture may bring i am going to just ride with it and know that all i can do is my best.

restlessness

i was hanging out with a friend last night and i asked her a question with led into a night of restlessness. i asked her Why is it that people can choose a family member or other people and they can choose a boyfriend over other people but choosing a friend over other people is forbidden? i have been wrestling with this question for a long time because it makes no sense to me why there are only certain people that are allowed to be a prioty in ones life. it just makes not sense to me and i was up all night thinking about it and if i agreed with her answer.

Mother's Day

As mother's day approaches i am finding myself full of hurt and frustration towards my mom. i work at a bookstore and i see gifts for mothers and i read the mother's day cards and after i read them i think how my mom was never like that. i am not sure what is going on inside me but i honestly say that my mom was there for me when i needed her most. i don't have that bond with that i am suppose to have. This is just so weird to me because i can't wait for father's day to get here because i have so many ideas on what gifts i can get my dad. i feel like they kind of have switched places in my life. the only think bothering me with my mom is my loyalty factor. i don't know what it is but i can really care less if i get her anything for mother's day. at the same time i am sad because i feel this way and i want so bad to keep on denying how i feel but i can't. Everytime i pick up the phone to call her and she gets on it and i hear her tone it upsets me. right now i am just being pulled two directions. part of me wants to say screw her and just let go on her and part of me knows i would feel bad for doing that and wants to defend her. so i think this mother's day i am just going to try to make it through by facing the truth and be honest with her. i just wish that she would try and get help so that she could truly love us and not have it be just another task that she has to complete for the day.

Amazing people.

i woke up upset the other day and i couldn't fall back to sleep. i just had alot of thinks on my mind that i was thinking about. i spent time talking to God and telling him about my frustration and how i don't want to live at home. Anyways i knew i was going to be hanging out with Ashley later on that day and i was looking forward to it. Well i was full of anger and frustration until i saw ashley's car pull up where we were meeting at. i don't know why and i have said this before but i am totally at peace when i am around her. it is like i can relax and not worry about things. after encounter i didn't want to go home yet( i never want to) so i asked her if we can hang out a little longer and she said yes so we grabbed a treat from dairy queen and went to a church and chilled there. after we were done she dropped me off and like always it takes all the power i have to force myself out of her car and into my own. this time though she told me not to worry that we will see each other soon and for some reason it those words hit me hard and i felt tears building up so i just went to my car and left. on the way home i was thinking how is it that i do everything even pray for these anger, frustration, scared feelings to go away and i eventually just have to let them sit inside because they won't go away until the minute i see ashley's car they disappear. i just don't understand it. It is just so amazing to me how it works like that but its cool. Anyways, i am glad that she is my friend.
After i got home i went down i talked to my brother's girlfriend to see how he is doing ( my brother is in jail) what started out as she a question ended up into a hour and a half conversation about my brother. i learned that him and i have alot in common we just choose to deal with things differently. I think this my teach him and he will learn his lesson. i also am glad that i decided to change my perspective of him and see that there is good in him and that he just needs the good influence there to support him. i am glad that he is my brother.

Analyze that

yesterday i was hanging out with my friend jess and we decided to watch The Truman Show. we have both seen it before so as we were watching that and she was packing she was explaining some stuff to me about the show that i never caught before. it was interesting to see all the hidden meaning behind that movie. she was telling me how her and a bunch of people analyzed the movie when it came out.
then last night i get home and catey and drew were watching Everbody Loves Raymond. they paused it to chat with me for a little bit and we started to analyze that show. i guess i don't really look for a deepere meaning behind most movies. i just watch them. speaking of watching tv i think that is what i want to do is just sit back and relax and watch television. i haven't done that is like forever. i tried reading but it made my headache worse. i think i just need to give my eyes a break.

letting it all escape

i don't know what to write so i am just writing.
life is just so weird at times. i feel like my mood is sometimes like indiana weather. i can be happy and content and then the next thing i know there is this sharp pain inside me and i noticed that i am frustrated which is making me angry.
i went and hung out with ashley yesterday and i had fun. i really enjoy handing out with her. anyway on my way home my mind started to run. i tried to slow it down by shutting off the radio which helped tremendously. then my cousin called to tell me he gets to go to my graduation. anyways i came home and sat on the counch to collect myself and then i felt a little frustrated and i didn't know why. i am in this phase where i am trying to be completely honest with myself. so i was trying to think of why i was frustrated and kept telling myself i am going to be honest and not deny it. i don't know if this is it or not but i think i am frustrated because i really don't want to move home and i really want my own apartment and i feel like people are screwing with my plans on how to get that apartment and it is ticking me off. my church took up a graduation collection for me and i was planning on using that money towards the apartment. but the secretary wrote the check out to GRACE COLLEGE and that frustrates me. i don't understand why she did that. i think that this is exactly what is bothering me because i am starting to feel better as i am writing. i just want an apartment or i don't want to move home. why don't i want to move home? because i will be trapped and i don't want to be trapped. i want to BE ON MY OWN! and learn to struggle through life on my own and not having my parents there to support me. and i also don't want to carry their burdens that i will if i move back home.
it is getting down to the wire as to where i am going to live and i hope that if i live at home for a little bit then i will be able to leave.

To whom it may concern

To whom it may concern:

I have a friend and she is probably one of my Best Friends and i enjoy hanging out with her. when i am with her i am at peace with life. i know that she truly cares about me as a person and wants the best for me. Even though we spend alot of time together i don't know everything she thinks feels or does. i am tired of you asking me about her and her life. she is a type of person that if she wants you to know then she will tell you and if she doesn't then i guess she doesn't want you to know. i feel like i am constantly defending our friendship and i am tired of it. she is my friend and i made that choice and if you don't like it well too bad you don't have to be her friend. so i am letting you know to stop talking to me about her because what you say to me will not change my opinion of her. She has been there for me when no one else was and she is a great person. i just wish you would stop condemming her and worring about our friendship and take the time to get to know her on a personal level because then and only then will you see the reasons i choose to hang with her. you will see the amazing heart that God gave her and the incredible mind that she has. if you only take the time to look deeper then the service you will see my true friend, my loyal friend, the person that i thank God for every night before i fall asleep. you will see the true lovable Ashley and you will not regret doing so.
Dottie

ash
thanks for everything your amazing. i am so glad that your my friend and i will always have your back.

Whats the problem with just talking

so i spent the day with my friend yesterday. i got up early and went to church with her roommate then we met up with her at taco bell and grabbed lunch. after that we came back and i went rollerblading for a little bit then went back to my friends apartment and hung out with her til i went home. on the way to taco bell her roomate was complaining to me about how she has to work and my friend doesn't have to work and that she should. she was also saying how she doesn't get how my friend's parents don't make her work. while she kept venting i just sat there and listened and told her that maybe she shouls talk to my friend about it.
Later on in the day when i was hanging out with my friend she starts telling me about how her roomate complains all the time about how she has to work and how my friend doesn't and then my friend decided to vent all her frustration out about the exact same thing. i had to laugh because it was funny to me that both of them are upset about something that is totally a personal choice that they made. i told my friend to talk about it but she also said no.
My Thoughts?
first of all they have a choice weather or not they choose to work or not work, safe or not safe, Money is a personal choice and they need to stop getting upset because of what the other chosses. it was ridiculous. Secondly why couldn't they just talk about it. it is evident that they both have a different perspective on it and they both are justifiable so why not just learn the other person's perspective instead of getting upset over it.
thirdly, as i was just writing this i wonder if i have ever gotten upset over something stupid like this?
k i got to go return my books and see if i can make any money so i can go to encounter tommorrow.

Work

So i have been here since noon today and i have had alot of stuff i wanted to say. first of all i don't get why chrisitans can't be creative enough to create their own toys and games. they always have to take the secular version of something and change it. for example we have a christian version of DDR. how do you dance to christian music? Secondly i decided to let phil ( the guy i work with) to work in the cafe because i hate working in the cafe and only want to because you get tips back there so we are going to split the work and the tips. this is me starting to be less selfless. thirdly we are having a jazz band play here tonight. i don't know how they will do but i hope it brings us some people because i don't want it to be dead like it is now. i did bring a book to read though just in case:)

I might get it.

i posted the other day about Encounter and how i love going to it but it drives me nuts. my friend told me that i need to research the emergent church so as i was looking at it i think i might get why it drives me nuts.
They are always talking about a journey that they are on and with the emergent church and how they go about with their way of teaching they will never be able to come to some time of certainity. i am ok with be uncertain about some things but in order to believe you have to have a basic certanity. For me i know that God exist and i know that he wants the best for me. given there are time in my life i feel like it isn't true i know at the end of the day it is true. it is my basic level of certainity and with that i can come back to it and know it is true. this gives me the freedom to question other things and "journey" down other roads. With the emergent church who knows was it true and what isn't. that is what bothers me because it is too full of unknowns for my comfortable level.
What do i like about the emergent church or at least encounter. i like the acceptance aspect of it. i like the community part of it. i like the questions that they ask and i like looking at it from others perspective. i just really don't like the attitude that your on your own journey and it is ok to be where you are at because sometimes we need someone to pull us onto the right path of life. and if we are all on our own journey then how can we be a true community.

WOW!!

so i feel like i have so much to say that i don't know if i want to write it all down but i will try to keep going and write it all down.

yesterday was a very thought provoking day for me. In chapel as people were singing worship songs i decided to join in and see if i would get start to enjoy it again because everytime i stand up there to sing i just feel like i am being a hypocrit because i don't get some of the songs. My chaplaing had stated something about worship is when you give God the the glory whether you feel like it or not. i want to give him the glory and i am tired of being selfish so i just kept singing even though everything inside of me said to sit down.
After chapel i did usual stuff and then went home a took a nap.
then i went to encounter and this is where the WOW comes into play.
i LOVE going there but at the same time the place gets on my nerves. i feel like it is a christian rave because everyone is accepted and loved which is good but there is no accountability. it is more like a buffet and you can pick what is right for you. in a sense there is no truth to set up structure. there is no accountability and that doesn't set right with me.
on my way home i was thinking about how we do things that helps us out and how we want to percieve them. it is like we change God to fit our standards. God isn't suppose to change.
i am at a place in life that i don't like because God is disciplining me and he is showing me love.
So i am intrigued by going to encounter because i think they have something going for them i think it is just a bit on the whereever your at its ok extreme.
After going to encounter my friend ashley and i went to get a bite to eat and as she was driving i kept thinking about how my attitude changes when i am around her. i don't feel so stressed. i can't explain it but i like hanging out with her because of the peace that i have. i hate leaving. it is actually of the the hardest things for me to do.
i got home and another friend called me and she asked me my plans for friday and saturday during graduation and i told her that i am not 100% sure and i am not commiting to anything with her because i want to hang out with ashley ans see her family and i don't know what there palns are. My friend got upset and even though she didn't say she was upset i knew she was. and it is ok that she is because i am ok with being who i am and what i want to do. so it was a long day yesterday.

Selfish Son of a Bitch

so i am have been doing alot of thinking about myself lately and how i treat others and view others . i was thinking about how i am so selfish and i hate it. Given i don't know what is going on inside other people's head when they do a good deed for someone but le me tell you what goes on inside of mine. At first i do it out of love then while i stir on doing something nice i start to think about how it is going to better me and i lose complete focus on why i wanted to do it in the first place. Here are some examples ( its ok if you decide that you don't want to hang out with me after you read this)
Example#1 So a guy that i work with was going on a mission trip and needed someone to cover his hours so i told him yes. my intiall thought was i like him and i don't mind helping him out. my next thought was man look at all the money i am going to get.
Example#2 A friend asks me to be in a wedding and i say yes. My first thought was she deserves to have me in her wedding after all the crap i put her through. my second thought i will be attracting so many people because i will be in a dress.
Example#3 A friend is comes to visit me and another friend wants to visit her so i decide not to go to work because i know she will hang with me and not with her. Yes that was yesterday.

See what i mean! i hate it. i didn't even have a thought to change in the third example and there are more alot more. i want to be less self fish/ i know i cannot become completly selfless but i know i can come more then what i am. it seems like in every situation i find my motive of doing something more of what it is going to get me in the end. i don't like that. i really don't.

i was telling my friend that was here yesterday about it and i called myself a selfish son of a bitch and that is what i am. i am not trying to put myself down i am just being honest. i want to be able to do things for people and share things without thinking about myself.

my friend asked me this question and it might help if i answer it. What is the underlying feeling?
i would have to say fear. especially with my friends. i know its not true and i am still trying to work through it but i am scared that people close to me are going to leave me and i will be alone. given with some of my friends it has been proven true BUT i am still surving and i am ok. and with the others ( really just one other) it is a false assumption that i am waiting to happen and i will probably be waiting for a while cause i don't think it will happen anytime in the next century or so:)

So now that i and you know that part of my selfishness stems from fear i am know a Selfish Scared Son of a bitch. Maybe you help me by giving me ideas to just become a little more selfless in life and be ok with sharing and doing good things for the other person and not for myself.

who ever came up with the idea to work

i don't get it. i know that i am not the best or close to the best worker and i am not saying that i am but it drives me nuts when people are working but not working. i was at work today and there was another person working with me and for most of the time she was talking to her friends. now i don't have a problem with people talking to their friends. the problem comes when there is stuff to be done ( like taking care of customers) when it bothers me when they are talking to their friends. i finally looked down at my phone to see what time it was and it said 4:40 so i decided to leave because if it is that dead then their only needs to be one person there so i happily volunteered myself to leave.
also today my boss frustrated me because she can't make up her mind with a question that i asked her and apparently it is ok for some people that work their decide if they when they can work even when they are scheduled to work.

No phone!

i have been doing alot better than i thought i would without my phone. i do have to say that i honestly am having a hard time not being able to text my friend and i think that i will not take it for granted when i get to have my phone back. hopefully i will be geting one on friday. i didn't pay my phone bill because i was irresponsible and i want to go to another carrier. anyways it has not been easy. i have found myself all alone with my thoughts and i can't just pull out my phone and text people stuff as i think of it. like today on the way down to chapel a kids chain came off as he was riding down rody hill and he about wrecked it was funny and i wanted to share it with my friend but couldn't. so hopefully i will be able to stay calm and collective for two more days.

last night

ok so can i just say I COULD NOT SLEEP LAST NIGHT!! i went home after i went for my walk because there was really nothing else that i could of done. i got home and brian and brandy were there so i decided to get my book and read it because it is getting enticing. i read three chapters and decided to go to bed around 9 so i got everything ready for this morning and layed down and tried to fall asleep but the one thing that usually wakes me up when i do start drifting asleep kept me up. MY PHONE! i am used to it vibrating or ringing a couple of times but it didn't because i don't have service so it was quiet extremely quiet in my room and i didn't like it. i tried just closing my eyes and thinking about my breathing and each time i took a breath and let it out i tried to picture myself falling deeper into sleep world but it didn't work. i tried a whole sort of methods the last one that i thought of was closing my eyes and coming up with a dream and force myself to have a dream. so that is what i did and i fell asleep but woke up like every 2 or 3 hours. it sucks.

I just don't know what to do

So i am at the computer lab and was just finshing up on some odds and ends of homework and i am kind of tired doing homework so i decided to take a break but i don't know what to do now. i don't want to go home because the people i am living with are having company over and i don't really like them so i don't want to go there. i could go see my friend in Kent but she is still upset with me as far as i know and i don't want to make her uncomfortable so i can't really fo there. so i decided to write one here and realize that i don't have a whole lot of stuff to do. i wouldn't mind going rollerblading but again my blades are at my friend's apartment which takes me back to the above statement as to why i can't go there. i could go to the tree but i don't know who is working besides adam and katie and i don't want to go there considering i work there and that is enough for me to go there. so i am bored because i don't know what i want to do. i could stop writing on here and do some more homework but i don't have much left and if i do it all now i won't have anything to keep me busy for the rest of this week. So this just occured to me but it is so weird to me that i can have alot to do and be bored yet yesterday i had nothing to do and i sat behind indy dorm in my friends car for most of the day and i was just fine. that is strange to me. well maybe i will go for a walk and then come back and maybe do some homework or find something to do until i can go home and go to bed.

poems

the other night i was lying in bed and some thoughts for new poems started flowing through my head so i wrote them down. this is just the rough draft but let me know what you think

this first one is a non christian talking to God about they way he views christians

God,
Is it true?
Is it true what they say?
They tell me all i need to do
is bring it to you.
They say you will forgive me
and that you died for me.
They talk about how they follow you
and strive to be just like you.
But the things the say
and the things they do?

They say that you love the whole earth
Yet they love just a select few
The say you walked with the outcast
Yet they turn them away
They tell about how you always prayed to your father
Yet they gossip about each other

God, Do you see what i am trying to say
If they won't truly strive to follow you
Why should i when i don't even believe


this next is about the way the church doesn't love

Love Thy Neighbor
Love me
Can you follow that command
Is it just that simple
Well lets just see

Let me tell you about me
I am a drug addict
I am a sex offender
I am gay
I am fallen

I am a deadbeat dad
I am an alcohlic
I am a pedophile
I am human

I am homeless
I am a drug dealer
I am a prostittute
I am a sinner

I am the person sitting across the pew
I am that guy that raped your daughter
I am that women that took your husband from you
I am forgiven
I am your neighbor
I am loved by jesus
Am i still loved by you

let me know your thoughts

can a square fit in a triangle shaped hole

Has anyone sucessfully been able to put a sqare shape object in a triangle shape hole of the same size? Recently ( i might have talked about this before) i have been realizing how so many people try to put their ways of doing things on other people. I know i have probably done it myself and the more i see other people doing it the more i am learning that it is ok if others do things differently then you. i think it is hard for people to know that their are different ways of doing things and i have gotten alot of people telling me how i should do things but never telling me why i should do it that way. For example i was eating breakfast with someone this morning and she brought up an inccident that happen a couple weeks ago and started telling me how i should see where other people are coming from and there point of view and how i should change my way of doing things for them. i don't expect them to change things for me and i won't change things for them especially if they don't have a valid reasoning behind it. this process of being who i am and being able to own it is freeing. i have been able to accept alot of things about myself and been able to be more honest with my friends with who i am.
This thought continued on during chapel when the speaker read a verse from the bible: 33For John the Baptist came neither eating bread nor drinking wine, and you say, 'He has a demon.' 34The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and you say, 'Here is a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and "sinners." As i was thinking about this verse i quickly realized no matter what choice i would have made they will find something i could have done different so it is best just to do want i think is best for me. people aren't going to like it but they will deal with it
and move on.

what other choice is there

so there are times in my life that i will talk to god and spend time with him but i find myself going to him when i am all out of answers and am desperate. why do i do that i don't know but i have been asking myself if i chose not to go to God what other choice is there to do? given that is all i know to do is talk to him but even when i do talk to him i still stay upset with myself but when things just seem way to much what else can i do but go to him. maybe i should go to him before it gets like this. anyways i have to go to work so i need to eat and take a shower. let me know if you have any thoughts or encouraging words for me given i put myself in this mess.

Top 10

so i was talking to my friend on the phone and was telling her how if there was such a thing i could be the doctor of friendships and i would make a pretty good living in that field. then she told me i should write a book. i decided to write down the top 10 things never to do in a friendship

10) don't date your best friends crush
9) don't hang out with your best friends friends without them
8)don't lie

what i have been learning

i have been learning how sometimes the right thing hurts. the other day i was talking to my friend and she has a choice to make so she asked me what should she do. i honestly wanted to tell her that she needed to make tha choice that involved getting to hang out with me but i knew that wasn't the one that she needed to hear or the right answer. i knew she needs to to the other choice. in all honestly i didn't want to tell her that because i wanted to be selfish but i have been learning that sometimes life isn't about me and that it is ok. i also have learned that i like to control things and i can't always do that either. i find myself wanting to freak out and start saying stuff but i don't and i see how it works out to be nothing at all and how God has is hand in life.
i have also realized that in order to be me i have to admit that i really do love God and i want to get to know him better. i have been missing that part of my life. i am me and God made me me and i am glad that i am me. the more comfortable i am with me being me i have notice the things i hold dear to my heart are purer and closer also.

To be one of the Three!

so graduation is coming up and i have been thinking alot about college and the five years that i spent here at grace. i have been doing alot of thinking about the one thing that i love most in life. F-R-I-E-N-D-S. Yep thats right Friends. i would have to honestly say that i wouldn't be walking in 30 days if it wasn't for my friends. i came back to school every year because i wanted to be around my friends. i will actually be graduating because of a friend that has helped me keep going when i wanted to quit. i have have many friends in my time at college that have helped me along the way. i started to think about friends and what it would be like to have Jesus as a friend. To have actually hung out with him and chatted with him. To be able to ask him questions, to joke with him, to play games with him, to have sleep overs with him. to actually be his friend just like the friends you do all those things with. Wonder what is was like to talk to him as he was walking by your house. Wonder if he had time for everyone that wanted to hang with him. Wonder if he brushed people to the side because he had things to do? I think of someone famous signing all these autographs and some people don't get one because the star just didn't have time to sign their autograph. was Jesus like that? to hang out with God that would be awesome! then to actually be one of his three best friends that would be just cool! wonder if jesus ever talked to them about all the pressure that was put on him or thoughts that he had. to be best friends with God that is just amazing to to that. to be one of the three that is just too cool

Be yourself, Be a witness

As i was sitting at the air port today waiting for a friends flight to come in i was looking around and observing people. i have heard alot of airport stories and how people have witnessed to peolpe in and airport or on a plane so that started to flood my mind. i started to think about how could i witness to someone? seeing all different people around me i started to ask myself wonder if people would say that i was a christian just by my apperance? i decided that there are some people that i would make a great witness to but there are others that i wouldn't even be on there radar screen of being a christian. so i ended up with this question. If we are suppose to be a good witness to people and we will never be a good witness to everyone who do we target? thinking through that question more as the day has went on. I beleive that god made me to me a good witness to people and i can be myself. i am not saying that there aren't stretching times and that i shouldn't be open. i know that i should but i beleive that i should also just be me and by being me i will be witnessing to the people that God wants me to witness to.

Who i am

so i am still asking myself the question Who am i? the other day i was thinking about how i have tried so hard to "fix" myself so i can become perfect but it isn't working and it seems like there is always something to work on or something i could change. i have gotten myself so far into this that i forgot who i was and what i like to do. So as i was sitting in class yeasterday i told my friend that i am tired of trying to "fix" my problems because i am not enjoying life doing it and things pass me by and i miss out on them. So as i started to think about this i realized that i like wearing my hat and i like hanging with the people i hang with. i like talking the way i do and i enjoy sharing my heart. i love the lord and i like serving other people. i like sleeping and i love to eat. these things i like to do. i also like wearing the clothes that i wear.
Others tend to want me to wear different clothes and act a certain way. i have recently realized thanks to my dad that i only get be me and that is what i am good at doing so that is what i am going to do even if that means pissing other people off.
this week i realized quickly that some people just have this interpertation that there is the right way to act and a wrong way to act but as far as i am concerned i am just going to act like me because i am simply me and am no one else other then me

Truly happy journey

i am still thinking about what makes me truly happy. like i said in the previous post i don't think i can ulimately be truly happy until I am with God but on earth what makes me happy. Today i have be thinking about friends. i have noticed that i that a happy when i am around all my friends but the level of happiness varies with them. i was thinking about why is it that when i am with some friends i am happy and content but depending who it is the level of happiness changes.
here are some of my thoughts on why.
could it be that there are three kinds of friendships
1. those that talks and listens equally
2. those that talk but never listen
3. those that listen but never talk.

i have examples of these three friendships.

i have a friend that lets me know what she is going through and asks for advice. she spends time telling me about her day and what is going on. i do the same. we contribute equally.

i have another friend that does all the talking and i listen to her. i have gotten to the point where i don't even bother telling her anything after she is finished because i am wore out.

i have many friends where i feel like i have to do all the talking otherwise nothing would be said. i ask them how they are doing and the say ok and you and then start asking me questions.

those are the three kinds of friendships that i have noticed that i have with my friends. i don't know what my friends think about it and i would love to hear there side because maybe they see me as a #3 friend. i would like all my frienships to be equall because i like hanging out with those that talk and let me in on their life as much as i let them in on my life.

let me know what your thoughts are.

in order to truly be happy...

these words have been on my mind since saturday night. my dad told me " In order to be truly happy i have to be me because that is all i can be". when he told me this i couldn't help but ask the questions Who am I? What do i like? What makes me truly happy? the thing that gets me the most is the context that my dad said this in.
we were talking and he asked me what is my passion in life? what is the one thing i would love to do? i told him i would love to work with youth that struggle with SSA (same sex attraction). he asked me why and i told him because it is something that i have struggled with and i want to help others that deal with it. He then told me a story about himself and then those famous words were said. i didn't know what he was trying to say.
anyways that got me to thinking about who i really am and what will truly make me happy. i also started thinking about Could someone be truly happy and living a sinfull life? how would i know if i was truly happy? For example i could say that i am truly happy right now but maybe i will be happier if i stopped fighting my struggles and gave into them. i will never know if that will make me truly happy until i did that. i can only be as happy as i know how to be and i believe that i will never be truly happy til i get to heaven ( i would like to blame ashley for that rabbit trail. as i was typing i was like she is rubbing off on me :))
so back to the point though what would make me truly happy? maybe i first need to find out who i am because i think that i have allowed people to pull and push me to liking the things they like or doing the things they do and now i don't even know what i truly like or who i really am. i have been starting to ask myself if i like this or that and if the answer is no then i get rid of it. somes examples are blogs. my friend introduced them to me and she has alot. i didn't know that i liked them until she told me about them. at first i started to read all the ones she liked but i realized quickly that i am not one to read all of those so i realized i liked reading blogs but not that much so i then realized i LOVE reading Perry Nobles blog so i kept his and a few others that i like to skim through but i deleted the rest. there are some things that i don't know that i like because i did't even know the exist and once i am introduced to them ( usually by someone that likes it themselves) like Roly Poly :) then i realize that i like that.
i also need to figure out what i believe also. that is another thing that i allow people to tell me to believe so i have to think through things like that. i need to start to become myself and find out who i am then i will be able to find what makes me truly happy or at least as happy as i know how to be because all i know right now is i am happy when i am around my friends that let me be me the best i know how to be. ( thanks pal)

What a Day

So i am up at 8 am on a saturday cause i get the privelege to work all day til 6 tonight. i cannot beleive that i said i would do this because i hate getting up early. especially on a saturday! Guess what i am gong to do when i get home tonight? well even thought this is short i wanted to post because i haven't posted in a while so i thought i would write something about how i don't like getting up this early.

wow

the last couple of days have been very thoughtful. i have done alot of processing things that have been going on in my life so i thought i would share some of the things that i have been thinking about:

First of all i like having a friend that can discuss why we are friends and it not be a threatening thing. If most of my friends ask me why we were friends i would freak out because that was a sign that our friendship was done. i like being at a level with someone that i can trust them enough to not freak out and just be honest and talk about that very good question.

Secondly i went to a bible study tonight and i told ashley how sad it was that our table put down a "christian response". i couldn't believe it. it is one thing to say how you want to help the needy and witness to people if they are just words but what if that is actually your heart?

Thirdly i met this couple at the bible study who don't attend church because they don't feel welcomed. they feel like they are an outcast because they live together. that got me thinking about if some people are as far away from the box as others are in the box. i know that some people just think everything is suppose to be happy go lucky once you become a christian and they say what they are suppose to say but what about all the others that just claim to be christians and are to far out. Like one guy said at the bible study that there are two things jesus commands Love God and love others. is that all though? Does the bible even say that we aren't allowed to live together?

Fourth thing is i was thinking about my testimony and if my life circumstances really led me to God. i was telling my Ashley that i don't think they do. i have always wanted to serve God as long as i can remember but i am not sure why that is so i am in the process of really looking into my testimony and seeing what led me to god

so i think that is all as of right now.

Something worth blogging about.

I know i just posted like 5 minutes ago but this is actually worth posting about. Everymorning i get up and get online to see who in on, check my email, check my facebook, read my blogs, ( or at least the ones that i find interesting to read), then i might put a puzzle together or even blog but after it is all finished and i have no real reason why i should be on the computer, i find myself staring at my inbox trying to think of something that i forgot to check because i just know that i forgot to check it and if i check it i will have a message there waiting for me but i can't think of anyplace that would be. Just like everyday it happened again today but this time when i looked up i saw my bible sitting on my VCR so i remember the talk i had with God last night so i grabbed it and started to read it. i flipped to a page that was marked and started reading for a couple of lines then i turn the pages and came to the beattitudes (sp?) except in my bible it is called You're blessed.
As i read these they sank into my heart because i knew i was not alone anymore. i felt God speaking to me. i want to share some of them with you.

You're Blessed when you are at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule
You're Blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you
You're Blessed when you're content with just who you are-no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.

These were the first three that i read and when i read them they spoke to me because right now i feel like i am at the end of my rope with somethings. i just am at the point where i don't like caring about things. i don't like having hopes and dreams. i am at the point where i just want to live my life and be done. as i read these i thought about how it is God telling me Dottie it is time to come back to me and be who you are. i know that i am not being someone i am not or being fake because i don't like when people are fake. but there are times when i am being myself and others will think different. i need to let that go and know that its there problem if that is what they want to think then they just don't know me like they thought because i owe no explanation to anyone except God.
finally the middle one has been the one that i have been hit the hardest with because i feel like not just the one person but everyone that i hold dear i am losing. i know that i am not but it feels like it and i feel like i have fought a battle against Golaith to keep a grip on them but i need to be me and let them be them and if them and me don't stay close then we don't stay close. i gotta have faith that God will take care of them whether they are with him or in prison or out on the streets. God will teach them the way he whats to be taught.

felt like writing

Today is that start of the last half of the last semester of college. i am so excited in a very non caring way. really i don't care if i graduate anymore. if i do i will be excited but if i don't well then i don't. i have fought so hard to finish school and i am tired of fighting so i am done fighting. i am just going to go to class everyday and try to get my homework done and if i am not able to graduate because i haven't paid the last two thousand dollars then i can't graduate and that is about it.
All that to say i don't have class today but i still have to get up and go to school so i can eat lunch with a friend and meet with my mentor. i am looking forward to it. i haven't eaten with my freind in a long time or met with my mentor in a long time either. so i am looking forward to hanging out with them.
well i just felt like writing on here so i did.

sometime you just do

so i watched Sweet Home Alabama tonight with a friend. When we were watching it she asked me why i like to watch that movie because i watch it alot. Really i have no idea why i like to watch it for but something about it i like. Tonight while i was watching it i started to think about graduating and what i really want to do after college. I started thinking about how she moved away to "better" herself . Why do we always think that we need to move away to have a better life? i do. i think about how i can't wait to leave my family and all i know and move somewhere to start all over. but are we really starting over? it isn't like we get to wipe the slate clean. As i continue to think about the movie and why i like it so much and can't think of a good reason why except the fact that i just do

Bond us Together

i attend this small little church out in the country every sunday when i am at home ( i go to college). i have been going to this church for a while now. Anyways i was laying here thinking about it and the people there. i see much potential there ONCE they get over some things. i really want to tell them about it and so this post is mostly for me so i can remember what i was thinking about. here are the top 6 things that i think my church needs to hear. ( there is more but we will take small steps).

Every sunday the last thing we do is get in a circle,hold hands and sing bond us together. everytime i sing that i picture god wrapping yarn around our hands and i sing it as a true prayer asking that God will bond us together. i have seen some things in this church that are keeping us of bonding with one another. i also see things that does bond us and i want to talk about 3 things that i think keep us from bonding and 3 things that bond us.
1. Accountabilty- the bible tells us how we need to be accountable to other people when we are sinning. i would like to see my church keep one another accountable doing in a loving way.we always need to help others grow. sometimes that means telling them what they don't want to hear but need to and sometimes that is encouraging them.
2.and 3. Judging and Gossip - we need to stop judging one another and we need to stop gossiping. i have seen alot of judging of one another and alot of gossiping of one another. we all have different talents and purposes in life. We need to do what gifts God has given us to help out the church. Whether it be going to new orleans and preaching the word to lost people or it is being the church secreatary or take care of the kids during church or taking food to people, or playing the piano at church. we are all not wired the same and we are all not called to do the same thing. God gave us that talents and are they are all different but we need to know that God gets all the glory in the end. with us gossiping and judging one another in the church we are doing more harm then good. We need to put a stop to it and start loving one another. if we have a problem with some one go to them and talk to them. don't go talking to others about it. lets start building people up and telling one another how thankful we are for them using there talents to help make the place better.
4. we do an awesome job at greeting people. that is one reason why i like this church. i know every sunday that i attend that there will be someone right inside the door when i open it. that is a highlight of coming to church.
5. this church is full of very giving people. i have never seen a church give like this church does. it is amazing.
6. Pastor Bob- without him i think this church would be gone. he is the backbone of this church and he is one of the people that i will always admire. we all like him and i think that is one reason why i keep coming back.
so with these things i challenge to do something. here are just a couple of ideas.
- get an accountabilty partner that isn't a family member .
- ask someone that you don't usally talk to at church how there day is going.
-sit with different people instead of sitting with the same people all the time
-send out thank yous to people in the church telling them how wonderful of a job they are doing
if we take some small steps we can have 6 things that bonds us instead of just 3. just think how stronger the bond will be.
i want to give this sermon someday to my little country church. so pray for me because i get nervouse when i think about it.

Curt and Snow

So with yesterday not being a good day i actually enjoyed work for the most part. i really like talking to the customers. My favorite last night were these two guys that came in. they came in together so in my mind i thought there order was together. so i asked them what can i get you gentlemen tonight ( that just flowed out of my mouth.. why i said gentlemen i don't know because i never use that term. i usually would say you tonight or you guys but the gentlemen. after it came out i felt polite for once) . so one of that guys said two carmel lattes please. i got out two cup sleeve to write the order down and then i asked him his name and he replies Curt. so i write that down and then turn to the next guy and ask him his name and Curt replies Joanna. i was taken a back and was thinking who in the world would name there son Joanna so i look back at Curt and he explains that Joanna his is wife and he was ordering for him and his wife. they two guys just knew each other. that settle that and i felt alot better or so i thought.
i finish with Curt's order and the his friend steps up and i ask him what he would like he tells me he would like a coke and a spiced chai. so i write that down on the cup sleeve and the proceed to ask him is name glad to know it wasn't Joanna and he says Snow and ask him again because i thought he was making fun of the previous incident and he spells it S-N-O-W. so i wrote that down thinking well it probably a nickname that his buddy gave him or something. He paid with his debt card and it is definitly Snow. i guess that is better then naming your son Joanna and i will admit it is original. He was pretty cool he watched me make Curt's two drinks and his chai and asked me questions on how i make them so i liked that. i just wish i would have asked him why his parents named him snow but i didn't so i will try to do that the next time i see him.