I finally am realizing

I have been thinking alot about friends and who my friends really are. A couple of weeks ago I was going through some questions that i had and one of them was something about my friends. I was dialouging with a friend about the things that i want in a friend and just pretty much making it more complex then it had to be. I finally decided to take the simple route and say I will just stop making it so complex and just see where life takes me. So that is what i have been doing. i stopped doing alot of the pursuing and decided to just let them pursue me and if they pursue i just might pursue back.

This past week has been one of the most frustrating weeks in my life because i have seen with my own eyes how the group of my friends had selfish motives. yeah i know i am selfish and i am probably being just as selfish in this blog. But i thought these friends would like to know how i am doing, i figured after calling every saturday i would finally get a call back or a reply to my email. I thought my friends would encourge me in tough times or ask me the hard questions that i need to be ask. when i ask them those questions they tell me that is not what they want from me. Then they want to try and change my plans with other friends so they can have there time.

I am tired of it. i pursue and pursue and i get nothing back. i stop pursuing then they wonder why.

When i look at what a true friend is i see someone that truly cares and challenges. Someone that isn't afraid to ask the hard questions and is afraid to speak the truth. I see someone that cares more about me as a person then the friendship we have. i see someone that give to me as much as they take. I see someone that can be going through a hard time but the friendship is not threatened. If it wasn't for this friend that i am talking about i wouldn't have grown and been challenged, I wouldn't have been able to step up and be the friend to her like she has been to me.

For a long time i cared more about the friendships then the people. When i moved back up here i decided to change that and there are times that i still slip back into wanting the friendship more the wanting the health of the person. But i eventually get an eye opener and snap out of it.

I am not saying that you have to be perfect. We all mess up even me i am just saying that looking at all the people i call friends i am not realizing that some of them aren't as much of friends as i realize.