Three steps forward one step back. Thats how I see my life. I think everything is good and going well and then BAM!!! it hits me like a brick and instantly i start missing her and her children. I start missing the talks we had and the fun we had. I miss the good times. It makes me want to go back to Florida. My family doesn't help much when i feel like I am just in the way and they would be happier if i wasn't here. I know my nieces and nephews love having me around but sometimes i just want to give up and leave again.
Thats the one step back but the three steps forward is when i am focused on God. When i focus on him i feel unstopable and no one can stop me. I still miss them but I can handle it better. I just want to feel loved and i know that she loves me or what i choose to believe anyways. Not in a romantic way but in a pure way. Anyhow when i look at her or think about her I learned through my sin and God loves me and he shows me everyday maybe that is why i can handle being at home. When God was telling me to go home I fought with him for a long time and still wonder why he brought me back to this place cause i don't like being here and don't want to e here. I do however want to be obedient to God cause one thing i do know is he is the only one i can trust and He is the onle one that i know will never fail me.
i know i have a long way to go and I know i will have the one step back but I also know with the lord i will continue to get stronger. I have come to accept the truth. The truth about who I am and the truth about God. I love Melissa I truly so. Some days i still long for that intimacy with her but I also know that it is just a twisted way of getting what God has in store for me. I know one day that will go away and the pure friendship love with still be there.
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